What I didn't know didn't hurt me?

[happygolucky2017]

Here goes.. I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it.

Been dating a guy for 7 months now, no label on it yet but to me we're pretty much together. Tonight he fell asleep and I've gone through his phone without him knowing (call me a pyscho haha) because I had a feeling there was something he was hiding. Long story short, he's been messaging a fair few other girls (some quite explicit). I'm absolutely head over heals for this man. He also admitted there were feelings on his side too recently. My question is to my fellow mumsnetters how on earth do I check where I stand or what we are without him knowing I've totally invaded is privacy??

Honestly if you have reason to check his phone after only seven months then I would just walk away now, you know where you stand already

"I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it."...great advice, do this :)

Why would you not just walk away?

I'm sorry you've had to find this out, your thread title says what you didn't know didn't hurt you - but you had a hunch, followed it, and now you do know.
I'm at the end of that cycle. I ignored my hunches and gut feelings, and I'm paying for it.
You said that there's 'no label' but is there an expectation that you are exclusive? If there is then you have given yourself the best advice.
If not then work into a conversation about other people, if he lies then unfortunately he'll probably continue what he's doing and continue to lie about it.
If you want to see how that pans out read my thread on here.
Do it now, yes it will hurt but less than finding out you've been cheated on and lied to for months/years.
Good luck OP - I know how hard this is.

You don't love him because you don't trust him.

It turns out you are right not to.

So you don't trust him.
He doesn't respect you.
Deceit on both sides.

What have you got? Not much tbh.

It's time to cut and run! It's so so so very hard, when you've lost your heart to someone, but you'll be saving yourself a lot of trouble and more pain if you do it now.

Do you have any good friends who can support you? Get them onside to take you out or watch a movie or go away for a few days or something. You need to make a complete break for it to stick.

You want this to happen again when you are married to him, with kids?

Thought not...'cause it will.

7 months is a relationship in my mind, you don't need a talk if you are adults.

He's definitely not as into it as you are so I'd walk away now.

I don't understand this American dating thing. I would assume after seven months that we were exclusive.

He's not the man you thought he was I'm afraid.

He's sending explicit messages to a number of other women? Why would you want to stay with him?

You know where you stand, so why do you need to ask him?

Dump him. Firstly because he is a dick and you can do better and secondly because players hate getting dumped so that is a nice victory for you over a total dickhead.

So he has never said he us only seeing you?

Yes you definitely need to move on. You don't need to tell him the real reason.

Also get an sti check up.

Been there, done that.. I too got to the stage I was looking down his phone but saw stuff that wasn't as bad as you have, just conversations with lots of female work colleagues, nothing explicit but friendly banter but different to how he was with me plus never talked about these women ever so was shocked he had secret friendships. This was just Making funny jokes, making lots of effort that wasn't directed at me so feels so horrible and feel so sorry you're caught in this predicament. If that was me I would just work it into a conversation and ask whether he's seeing anyone else and go by his reaction. With my situation I blurted out .. who's Penny pretending that i saw her name pop up in his phone. It turned out he was having an affair but I told myself at the time why would he string me along , sex was good, we did nice stuff , booking holidays etc but some men like to have a mix of different situations going on.

Think about how you feel now, and ask yourself how you'd feel when for example all postnatal, a different shape, suddenly a lot more dependant on him and wondering if he's still texting other women. I'm pretty sure you already know the answer here. If he's fun, let him be fun. But don't try to build anything on it.

I know I should just walk away, not explain myself to him. I know if I do that, there will be a load what ifs on my part. There will be no closure for me and it'll chew me up more than it is already.

He puts a lot of effort into what we have, I can't deny him that. We're supposed to be going away this weekend somewhere he promised he would take me from day one.

I only checked the phone out of curiosity as I'd seen a girls name pop up when he opened his phone and he said she was a mate then started to hide his phone, I thought it would only confirm what he said, oops.

We've been through the "I'm not dating anyone else" conversation and we've agreed we're on the same page although, messaging people isn't dating them is it! HA!

I think I'll try and catch him out today, but need to think of the words to use.

Closure isn't really a thing when you already know the other party will lie and deny all the way through. By telling you that he wasn't seeing other peopl, he knew exactly what he's was doing then lied about it and he's already lying to you about his 'friend', therefore I have great doubts you'll get any honest answers from him.
Be thankful you found out so early on and give him the boot.

If he's messaging girls when you're supposed to be in the first flush of love at only 7 months, then he's not into you. He may like you and fancy you but that's it. Don't waste anymore time on him. You don't need more proof or answers.

WAIt. I missed the last bit. Why do you need to 'try and catch him out'?! You already know what you neeed to know.

OP the only closure you'll get is lies and possibly anger/blame directed at you for snooping.

You're going to let him talk his way out of it aren't you. Please don't. Just dump him and get on with your life.

If you've had the 'we're not dating anyone else' chat then he knows you are expecting him to be faithful. This isn't a miscommunication over your relationship status, this is him showing you that he's a liar and a cheat. Bin before you get in any deeper - his behaviour will only get worse and you'll only get more hurt.

By what you've described he'll lie to you about it, get angry at you for snooping (when in fact he's angry at being caught) and then he'll probably attempt some sort of manipulation to get you to either think you're the one in the wrong and you're crazy, or project on to you. When he's got you there he'll then 'forgive you'. Don't be a mug. He's messaging other women whilst in a committed relationship.

What just breaking said.

Oh, I know you are all so right.

Why am I being so stupid? This is why I love this site, makes you think twice about your actions and everyone talks so much sense. He doesn't think much of me clearly, and underestimates my intelligence thinking I wouldn't find out.

Haven't spoken yet today, he will probably message around lunch time asking how I am. Do I just ignore him?

Well he's outdone himself this morning on timing, he's messaged already!

Argh!