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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What I didn't know didn't hurt me?

168 replies

happygolucky2017 · 22/05/2017 01:15

Here goes.. I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it. Sad

Been dating a guy for 7 months now, no label on it yet but to me we're pretty much together. Tonight he fell asleep and I've gone through his phone without him knowing (call me a pyscho haha) because I had a feeling there was something he was hiding. Long story short, he's been messaging a fair few other girls (some quite explicit). I'm absolutely head over heals for this man. He also admitted there were feelings on his side too recently. My question is to my fellow mumsnetters how on earth do I check where I stand or what we are without him knowing I've totally invaded is privacy??

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 23/05/2017 06:33

She doesn't seem to want to end it and would certainly prefer to listen to your advice such as "I honestly think he really likes you" rather than hearing that a guy secretly sniffing around loads of women is NOT a great boyfriend.
Ah well.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/05/2017 06:54

Mrs GB is exactly right.

He is willing to risk your relationship. So he doesn't really care about the relationship. Look at his actions not his words. Don't think because he said the L word that he loves you. People who love you don't try to hurt you in that way.

I would end it. If you do want to play games with him, do it by ghosting him. Don't try to catch him out he will just twist things and make you feel even worse.
Do it now, , so you can get on with the grieving and healing process and then find that special someone who will treat you in the way you deserve

LesisMiserable · 23/05/2017 09:10

I agree - he's not as in to you as you are him - yet. It tickles me the amount of grown women who want the Disney timeline or nothing. This is real life. First comes the besotted new sex bit, then comes the evaluating bit in the middle where you decide if you could share your life with this person to the exclusion of every other individual on the planet. Thats a massive decision and if you deal with it flippantly in few months with the wrong person expect it to come back and bite you. Men do appear to have a much more sensible outlook in this than women.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 23/05/2017 09:15

It tickles me the amount of grown women who want the Disney timeline or nothing. This is real life.

It pains me that women would encourage women to stand by their sexually incontinent partners and pretend that is real life.

LesisMiserable · 23/05/2017 09:16

So he's sexually incontinent now is he? Way to exaggerate.

LesisMiserable · 23/05/2017 09:18

Dont feel pained, feel enlightened. People are human sentient beings and emotions cant be set to a timer.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 23/05/2017 09:21

Ok, he's a faithful boyfriend who is just sending sexually explicit texts to several woman. Grin

ElspethFlashman · 23/05/2017 09:23

Yeah he's a keeper all right!

As another poster asked: why aren't you angry?

Why aren't you raging?

Do you honestly think you're not worth being enough?

LesisMiserable · 23/05/2017 09:26

Listen. He's messaging other women and he thought OP was messaging other men. She's already questioned him about a woman,he's already questioned her about other men. Its fairly obvious they're both insecure. He's been deceitful messaging other women and not telling her. She's now been equally deceitful by checking his phone without his knowledge. Its clear she wants to stay with him but they are both insecure and hedging their bets. Maybe if she is now honest and brings it into the open it will either make them or break them. That's all.

JanuarySmith · 23/05/2017 09:30

I agree with Les.

Just talk to him about this. Tell him you were suspicious and you checked his phone and appear to have had those suspicions confirmed and then talk about it. Yes this is probably a sackable offence but at least just tell him what you've found. Not to give him a chance to explain as such but just to give yourself the closure you want. And then walk away or patch it up

Only you can decide this stuff

Original poster
happygolucky2017 · 23/05/2017 10:08

Thanks everyone for the replies and advice.

I do think I need to have a conversation with him, I owe it to me more than him. I'm going to have the chat with him again regarding exclusivity and how he would feel if this was other way round. I'll be totally honest, as I do expect the same from him.

I couldn't ghost him if I wanted to, it was so hard to not reply to his messages yesterday and I was kind of just blunt instead.

Those asking why I'm not more angry, I actually have no idea. I have asked myself this, I think its probably because I'm trying to justify it as not that bad. I felt sick rather than angry when I seen one or two of the messages. Blush

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 23/05/2017 10:16

So you have a chat

He denies everything and you realise you'll have to tell him you snooped in his phone.

He seizes the opportunity to play the victim and cast you as a psycho. "You went through my phone as I slept??!"

It puts you on the back foot. You try to keep the conversation on the point of the explicit messages but he keeps saying"I can't believe you looked through my fucking phone while I was asleep. Jesus"

He looks very very doubtful about you. Almost as if he's thinking of dumping you for this "betrayal".

You start to feel panicky. This wasn't how it was supposed to go....

OR

He denies everything and you realise you CAN'T say you looked through his phone.

You ask him has he been messaging anyone flirtatiously.

You watch him lie to your face.

LesisMiserable · 23/05/2017 10:20

Both scenarios are very likely but of we want honesty we have to be honest.

Funnyonion17 · 23/05/2017 10:27

I think your not that angry or upset as part of you genuinely believes you mean the world to him and it's all some silly mistake he's made but it's you he really cares for.

People don't lie and cheat online if they believe what they have is enough. He wants the comfort of a relationship and the excitement of the unknown. Men like him will lie and usually never change

user1488270932 · 23/05/2017 10:33

Ffs just get rid. Where's your self respect woman??
Don't give him the chance to lie and blame. (Or as some one else put it 'explain!')

Do it now before you become even more invested in the relationshit. You deserve better. At 7 months in I'd say you are well past the 'are we/aren't we exclusive' stage.

Hissy · 23/05/2017 10:55

look at the facts.

he HAS been sending sexual content and texts to women. LOTS OF THEM

He ISN"T being exclusive, not even trying to be, as the numbers of women he is communicating prove.

I shall write this in caps so you see it, not necessarily shouting at you

IT DOESNT MATTER ANYMORE, YOU HAVE THE INFO YOU NEED TO SEE THAT YOUR INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT.

YOU ARE IN ONE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BUT HE IS IN LOTS OF RELATIONSHIPS.

You are only one of the people is in a relationship with. YOU are one of MANY. He doesn't care enough about any of you to be exclusive or to be concerned that he will lose you. any of you.

You have HAD the chat about exclusivity before. it didn't mean anything to him.

The BEST thing you can do is to tell him that you and he are in different places in the relationship and that it's best if you split so you can find the right person for you.

you owe HIM nothing, you owe yourself the kindness of doing what needs to be done now.

You can be kind to yourself after, you can hurt and heal after, but he is not going to heal you, only hurt you further.

he is not worth a second's thought. You thought he was. He could have been, but he let YOU down.

LesisMiserable · 23/05/2017 14:50

Very dramatic.

Happybunny19 · 23/05/2017 14:55

Bloody hell calm down ppl. OP has posted her predicament and you've all had your say. She is under no obligation to follow your advice (or orders!), so will all the exasperated posters now look elsewhere and perhaps leave this thread alone. MN is getting out of hand for bullying posts recently.

IfeelFloopy · 23/05/2017 16:30

When a guy shows through his actions how he feels about you, pay attention. I cannot stress this enough. I wish I lived by it sooner!

My boyfriend told me that in his previous relationship to me he really liked his gf but knew he didn't really love her like he should. They dated for ages, so long that it sort of just turned into an ok relationship even though he wasn't ever sure he wanted a relationship....

When we met he knew. He made it clear from the start he wasn't going to be seeing anyone else from then on (I hadn't asked, he wanted to be sure I was on the same page). He wanted to be in a relationship with me. He showed me that. When I compare it to some of my past involvements with guys...my god I wasted my time hanging on, justifying things and hoping. Dont make the same mistake.

Branleuse · 23/05/2017 16:52

sounds like you dont even think its that bad that hes sexting other women. You need more self respect because hes taking the piss out of you

LesisMiserable · 23/05/2017 16:56

ifeelfloppy thats exactly how OP feels. The fact is you have no proof whatsoever your boyfriend has never texted another woman, have you?

Adora10 · 23/05/2017 17:10

Listen to his explanation? Of sexting loads of women, nah, don't bother OP, he will just lie anyway.

She's not as bad as him because HE accused her of still chatting to other males; he was probably projecting his own actions on her there.

OP, up to you but honestly, why you are not fizzing with anger and telling him to fuck off forever is beyond me, 7 months in and he's already looking out for your replacement.

magoria · 23/05/2017 17:21

He is accusing OP of sending texts to other men because he is judging her by his standards and he is sending texts to other women.

There is one insecure person and one person who is lying and sending sexually explicit texts to others in this relationship.

If he is like this after 7 months he is looking for a better option than you.

Why would you hang around or give him a chance to make 'excuses' for lying to you already?

EmeraldIsle100 · 23/05/2017 17:29

If you want to be 'totally honest' with him then tell him the truth which is that you are devastated that he is exchanging explicit texts with other women. Tell him how upset that you are about all the lies he has told you.

Ask him why he lied to you repeatedly about being exclusive.

Listen to your heart and admit to yourself that you are really hurt and devastated that someone you have fallen in love with is treating you so badly.

Stop trying to be brave and don't call yourself a psycho. Believe me there is nothing wrong with your judgement he is lying to you over and over and your relationship is not exclusive. He is a liar and you deserve so much better.

He just wants a night away this weekend with some company. He isn't doing it to keep a promise because he loves you and wants to spoil you.

Please don't accept this behaviour, you know it's horrible. I hope you don't think I am criticising you. I genuinely would just love you to see the person he really is and find yourself someone who adores you. Flowers

histinyhandsarefrozen · 23/05/2017 18:01

Some women will put up with anything so they can be in a relationship.