What I didn't know didn't hurt me?

[happygolucky2017]

Here goes.. I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it.

Been dating a guy for 7 months now, no label on it yet but to me we're pretty much together. Tonight he fell asleep and I've gone through his phone without him knowing (call me a pyscho haha) because I had a feeling there was something he was hiding. Long story short, he's been messaging a fair few other girls (some quite explicit). I'm absolutely head over heals for this man. He also admitted there were feelings on his side too recently. My question is to my fellow mumsnetters how on earth do I check where I stand or what we are without him knowing I've totally invaded is privacy??

[LesisMiserable]

I'm going to go against the grain here and get completely flamed (dont care). When you truly love someone everyone else just goes out of your head, naturally. He clearly isnt there yet (he might never get there). !
Yes he's said he loves you , you love him etc as we all do but for most of us, that love we feel early doors is actually lust and a feeling of bonding. Love takes time to develop and with it comes natural exclusivity, without a chat or anything else, it comes organically. This guy isnt there yet, you are so you think. He might never get there or he might look at you one day and never send another message to another girl again because he's given it time with you to grow and my goodness you have turned out to be everything he ever wanted. How can any of us really know that in 7 months? Yes there will be posters now saying they knew within four minutes and so did their partner - those posters have no idea if their partner was also texting other people or meeting them at work or whatever. You looked, you found a human being acting like a human being at the beginning of a relationship. You either trust that as your bond grows everyone else will naturally fall away, or you dont. If the guy is an obvious non starter (and the signs are always glaringly obvious we just choose to ignore) then you bin. People are not robots, they cant be programmed to conform to a timetable, if he truly is falling in love with you, I promise you, this will take care of itself.

[nauticant]

Or he's just not really into you despite what he said and is happy to send explicit messages to other woman to see where it'll get him.

I know which looks me likely to me.

[nauticant]

"more likely"

[mynameislolita]

.

[ImperialBlether]

LesIsMiserable - seven months is plenty of time for him to know what he wants from the relationship. He wants to mess around and wants her to think he's not.

[LesisMiserable]

By who's timetable?

[LesisMiserable]

I'm getting married next month after three years met OLD, at 7 months in I had no idea at all I would want to marry this man so my timetable is clearly completely different to yours...its completely subjective.

[Adora10]

At 7 months you both should be loved up and he'd have no interest in messaging any woman; this is a sign OP, ignore at your peril, he's showing you he's really not that into you (despite what he says).

[happygolucky2017]

Lesis how will I know if its going to stop unless I am constantly checking?

If I can't trust him now, will I ever?

I don't want to be one of those paranoid girlfriends who feels the need to check her partners phone, is that not where this is headed if I stick it out and live on hope?

I've never been in this situation, I'm loyal and cut ties with all other males as soon as I knew I was falling for him.

[LesisMiserable]

You already are that girlfriend who checked the phone.

[gamerchick]

Personally I think that if you're at the stage of checking phones and whatnot the relationship is already over. If you don't say anything it will eat away at you

[ImperialBlether]

Going back to the original OP, you don't need to ask him where you stand. You know. You've seen the evidence.

Honestly, you could go on like this for years and eventually find out he's having a big affair and when you look back you'll remember this early sign. I would get out now. Seven months is long enough to know whether you want that person or whether you want to play around a bit. He's messing around and I don't think that's what you want.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

Unfortunately you already are the girlfriend to check his phone, as someone else has already said. Cut your losses, he isnt the one, you aren't both in the same place. Just text him back and say this isn't working for you, it's over, you don't want to be with someone who'll lie to you and be disloyal, don't get into a big back and forth or any real explanation then ignore ignore ignore.

[Tiredbutnotyetretired]

Dont put yourself through it, hes clearly a cheat. Dump him, grieve it, move on. Dont give a reason just say its over, and block him.

[LesisMiserable]

I actually cutting all ties (whatever that means) with anyone else straight away for a virtual stranger is a bit odd. You've been dating since around October/November and I'm guessing you didn't know him before you started dating so you've put all your eggs in this strangers basket very early doors by the sound of it. I dont get that. You've looked now so how you deal with it is up to you. You can either fess up and demonstrate the same honesty you expect from him. Or you can step back a bit and uncut your ties with other males as you put it, you can pretend like you didnt snoop and see how it pans out or you can finish it.

[pinkyredrose]

You cut ties with all other males?! You're allowed to have friends you know!

[littlefurrysheep]

don't even bother. cut ties now.

[HouseworkIsASin10]

If he is sniffing around other girls 7 months in then he is not a keeper.

He is not into you. He is looking for a replacement and will dump you as soon as he gets a better offer.

You'll do for now. Sorry to say.

[happygolucky2017]

I didn't mean I cut ties with male friends, I mean the males who were showing an interest. I didn't do it immediately, I done it when I thought it was unfair to message people (if I felt I needed to hide the messages I knew it was wrong) as I wouldn't appreciate the same treatment.

He wasn't a total stranger, no. We had known each other for maybe 5 months before through mutual friends, but I didn't want a relationship at this point so I waited a while before agreeing to go on a date. He was persistent and I liked that. Not pushy, but interested and prepared to put a lot of effort in.

Suppose you're right, I am that person I mean long term, I don't want to be secretly checking his phone, looking over his shoulder.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

I'm the same as you OP, if I like someone, it's only them that I am paying attention to in that way. Your 'boyfriend' doesn't feel the same, clearly.

[Hissy]

how on earth do I check where I stand

My love, where you stand is that you are in a supposed relationship with someone who is still on the lookout for a better option.

He has broken your trust and tbh, the early message is possibly down to the subtle shift in your demeanour that he has subconsciously picked up on.

Just end it. phase him out and move on. It's not working out, it's not what you want etc, yadda yadda yadda. Doesn't matter. He's not trustworthy.

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

I'm getting married next month after three years met OLD, at 7 months in I had no idea at all I would want to marry this man so my timetable is clearly completely different to yours..

That's nice. At 7 mths in were you secretly sending sexually explicit msgs to lots of other guys yet pretending you were in love?

OP, dump this guy. He doesn't respect you.

[Justbreaking]

It's up to you how you proceed, but his behavior obviously gave you cause to check up on him - and why did you do that instead of just asking? I'm not bashing you here OP, I genuinely think it's a question worth asking yourself. Why did you check his phone instead of asking him about any messages? Could it be because you already thought that he wouldn't be truthful if asked about it? So you went straight to the source so to speak to find out?

It's lovely when someone is persistent but not pushy, very flattering and makes you feel special and like you're worth the effort. Unfortunately that's not always the motivation for them. It can be about 'winning' for them, about the chase, and once that has achieved it's objective, their interest wanes.
I'm sorry OP, I know this is hard, it's awful to mistrust someone you want to trust, but because of their behavior you just can't.

[HotNatured]

OP you are seven months in, have agreed to be exclusive, you've both said the L word. That's where I would expect to be at seven months, despite LesIs stating a conflicting opinion.

At seven months and where you say you 'thought' you were in the relationship your 'boyfriend' should not be sending 'explicit' messages to random women. Where are you boundaries. This guy is cheating on you and clearly has no respect for you. You are snooping on his, probably because his behaviour has made you feel insecure.

You know what you should do. Whether you do it or not is up to you

[angryladyboobs]

You don't need to tell him you've been in his phone. Tell him you're not sure about the relationship and you think he's hiding something from you.