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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What I didn't know didn't hurt me?

168 replies

happygolucky2017 · 22/05/2017 01:15

Here goes.. I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it. Sad

Been dating a guy for 7 months now, no label on it yet but to me we're pretty much together. Tonight he fell asleep and I've gone through his phone without him knowing (call me a pyscho haha) because I had a feeling there was something he was hiding. Long story short, he's been messaging a fair few other girls (some quite explicit). I'm absolutely head over heals for this man. He also admitted there were feelings on his side too recently. My question is to my fellow mumsnetters how on earth do I check where I stand or what we are without him knowing I've totally invaded is privacy??

OP posts:
sonjadog · 22/05/2017 17:15

So, you know he´s breaking his word that he would be exclusive, and you know that he was lying about the contact he had with one woman. He doesn´t sound like a great guy, does he?

LesisMiserable · 22/05/2017 17:18

Did you tell him you werent interested in others before or after you quizzed him about the girl and did you tell him you were exclusive to him in the hope or expectation he would say it back and you would feel 'safe' ? You obviously got there before him because you said it first and he agreed more than likely to appease you because he likes you and wanted to see where it goes. If he didn't like you he would not be spending so much time with you. As I said he can only get there in his own time.. unprompted.

LesisMiserable · 22/05/2017 17:19

What do YOU want to do?

Moomin80 · 22/05/2017 17:23

Been with my guy for 10 months and I could quiz him on anything. I couldn't with previous and one had been doing the same thing as your boyfriend. When mine texted to go out for a curry, I just texted back ''I hear you've been texting other women, so I won't be going out with you''. Then completely left the ball in his court and didn't get into a texting conversation. He was quite sad but hey no!

Original poster
happygolucky2017 · 22/05/2017 17:27

That's why I'm struggling with an outcome, I know he's clearly lied to me.

This was after I'd asked him about this other girl. I only made it clear I was exclusive as he made a comment insinuating I message males and I had to shoot it down as it wasn't true and he said he was the same. If girls message him he tells them he's not single. I didnt see no evidence of that.

I wish I hadn't gone looking, everything other than this is perfect. Effort is unbelievable. I've never felt so appreciated and special. I wana remove it but can't help but feel I won't be the same anymore.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 22/05/2017 17:29

do you just want an open relationship instead? it seems like your choices are

stay and ignore the cheating which will continue throughout the relationship but stay faithful yourself

negotiate an open relationship for both of you

leave

LesisMiserable · 22/05/2017 17:38

So this puts a completely different complexion on it because it sounds like you are both quite insecure about the other. That's different.

MartinaMartini · 22/05/2017 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 22/05/2017 17:53

Everyone has such mixed views on this

Er no OP, they really don't.

You can either carry on, say nothing, be cheated on and lied to and treated like crap and be forever doubting and checking his phone. You'll be thoroughly miserable and then he will likely leave you for one of the textees.

OR

End it and be eventually when you are ready, available for a decent guy that won't fuck you about and be happy!

It's not a difficult choice surely.

troodiedoo · 22/05/2017 18:02

You are so upset and confused by this I think you need to own up and say you looked and saw the messages.

If he is apologetic and says it was just a habit he got into, and he will allow you unrestricted access to all logins and phone messages from now on for as long as it takes to prove he won't do it again, then I could just about give him another chance.

Any anger, drama, self pity or blaming you, get rid Asap. Be strong.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/05/2017 18:19

I agree with trudidoo
You need to give him a chance to explain

Justbreaking · 22/05/2017 18:24

*"This was after I'd asked him about this other girl. I only made it clear I was exclusive as he made a comment insinuating I message males and I had to shoot it down as it wasn't true and he said he was the same. If girls message him he tells them he's not single. I didnt see no evidence of that.

I wish I hadn't gone looking, everything other than this is perfect. Effort is unbelievable. I've never felt so appreciated and special. I wana remove it but can't help but feel I won't be the same anymore."*

You sound exactly like me, 16 months ago. What started as insinuation led to accusations - with no foundation at all - while he was busy cheating. It's called projection.
And making you feel special and putting in a lot of effort is all part of it, it's to throw you off, make you think you're so special to him. In fact he'll probably be like this with everyone.
I may of course be wrong, but I wish I'd not ignored my own instinct at the stage you are now. I know it's so so hard, you feel like you're throwing away something wonderful, I get that, but it's not. He's cheated and lied, he won't change.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/05/2017 18:26

Huskylovers text is spot on.

I sort of agree with troodie re giving him a chance to explain but the way you've told it here, he's lying about this woman who's a "friend".

Plus, after 7 months, I'd have some sort of "label on it" as you put it) and all that that entails with this sort of relationship. I hate to say it but from what you've posted it looks like he's messing around or thinking of messing around and/or not all that into you.

twattymctwatterson · 22/05/2017 19:00

He's sending sexually explicit messages to other women. Why aren't you more angry? Don't you think that's completely disrespectful to you? Don't you think you deserve more?

forumdonkey · 22/05/2017 21:10

From my experience, I'd be registering on OLD sites because I bet he's on there. My advice, you'll never trust him again. There are amazing men out there, who don't lie, cheat, text other women and mess you around. You'll never be free of the doubt and it's only months down the line

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/05/2017 22:01

why does she need to give him a chance to explain?

Is this normal in your relationships? Your bf sends sexually explicit messages to other women? What do you think will explain it?

Hairydontcare · 22/05/2017 22:08

THIS WAY LIES PAIN, HEARTACHE AND MADNESS.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/05/2017 22:12

why does she need to give him a chance to explain
Because she hasn't heard his version of events - everyone is entitled to the opportunity of providing their story - even a murderer in a court of law.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/05/2017 22:27

No, in a relationship you can end it when you like. I have never ever heard this idea that you have to hear your cheating bfs explanation because that's how it works in a court of law.

LesisMiserable · 22/05/2017 22:30

The OP doesnt want to end it, that much is blatant.

Thesofaneedsmetositonit · 22/05/2017 22:43

You've gone through his phone & "tried to catch him out" (I think you said)

You're enjoying the game.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/05/2017 22:43

histinyhandsarefrozen
Well I guess I meant that's my own personal world view - it's not the only world view.
I always give everyone a chance to explain. There's always a different and often competing narrative and I always like to hear it before i make a judgement.

Polly46219 · 22/05/2017 22:57

Please end this now. It's going to hurt but it won't last long. I ignored similar warnings 10 years' ago and it's bitten me on the bum big time. And now the pain's unbearable. I wish I'd been stronger back then but I was absolutely besotted with my now, and STBEXH :-(

ohgoshIdontknow · 23/05/2017 06:04

You need to give him a chance to explain

No, you don't.

End it now. He is a cheat and will not make you happy.

You sound lovely OP and deserve someone better and I promise you there are plenty of properly decent men out there.

MrsGB2225 · 23/05/2017 06:30

Sorry OP, but he's just not that into you. If he was, he wouldn't risk loosing you by messaging other girls. dont waste your time on him. Go find the guy that is absolutely besotted with you!!

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