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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What I didn't know didn't hurt me?

168 replies

happygolucky2017 · 22/05/2017 01:15

Here goes.. I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it. Sad

Been dating a guy for 7 months now, no label on it yet but to me we're pretty much together. Tonight he fell asleep and I've gone through his phone without him knowing (call me a pyscho haha) because I had a feeling there was something he was hiding. Long story short, he's been messaging a fair few other girls (some quite explicit). I'm absolutely head over heals for this man. He also admitted there were feelings on his side too recently. My question is to my fellow mumsnetters how on earth do I check where I stand or what we are without him knowing I've totally invaded is privacy??

OP posts:
Kittencatkins123 · 22/05/2017 13:56

He's looking around for other options and being disrespectful. Not dating other people includes not having explicit conversations with other people. He also lied about it when you saw the girl's message pop up on his phone. He has all the power and he's treating you badly - I would really think about ending it and looking for someone who really likes you - this feels like a waste of time.

yetmorecrap · 22/05/2017 14:26

I think you say, I'm calling it a day because I thought we were in a relationship which to me does not include messaging others explicit stuff. To be honest who gives a stuff , for all he knows someone could have told you or you had seen a message pop up etc

LesisMiserable · 22/05/2017 14:41

How does one 'pretend' to be in love?? Do you like someone one day and the next day poof you're in love? What utter bullshit. Its a process of bonding,'getting to know each other, finding out if this person could be someone special to you long term, saying I love you, particularly after a matter of months is lovely but its not a contract signed in blood. Its not a promise of anything other than the present and it never will be. And yes I absolutely was keeping my options open seven months in and maybe my dp was too, who knows? I wouldn't flame him if he did , I'd think he was being somewhat astute tbh. After we are married then I hope and assume that's us both deciding we choose each other,but we only have to look on here to know that's not a safe bet either to be honest because human nature likes variety. You cant cherry pick which part of humans in relationships you like. We fall hard and quick when new sex is involved but a lifelong commitment, that's a big shout and takes time to build up to. Anyway, OP, you want his honesty, are you going to be honest with him?

Huskylover1 · 22/05/2017 14:54

At 7 months in, he should be besotted with you and thanking his lucky starts he has you. If you've been seeing each other, say twice a week, that's 56 dates! Hardly a big expectation that you should be exclusive.

Your dilemma is how to raise this with him, without revealing that you've been thru his phone. Well, I know what I would do. Given that he is sexting multiple women, and he has no idea if you may know any of these women, you pretend that a woman you know showed you messages from him.

I'd text the following:

"You and I seem to have a mutual friend. And you've been sexting her. Please don't deny it, because she has shown me the messages. We are clearly not on the same page, as I haven't been in contact with any other men, and was entirely focused on our relationship. Please don't contact me again. All the best, Happy"

Then do not reply to anything he sends. Personally, I wouldn't block, as I'd like to see what utter crap he comes out with. But, I would cut all contact. He will know you know the truth, and furthermore he'll drive himself mad wondering which girl you know in common.

magdaboom · 22/05/2017 15:17

For me that would definitely be a dealbreaker. I would never be able to tolerate this. 7 months is a hell of a lot of time to be casually dating in my opinion.

HildaOg · 22/05/2017 15:25

He sees you as a fuck buddy, not a girlfriend and potential long term partner. You're there to keep him satisfied until he finds the woman he wants. And he'll probably cheat on her too so lucky for you that you're not the one!

I'd ghost him. What's the point explaining? He'll never be honest or trustworthy. You'll never be enough for him. He doesn't need to know that you know that or why. Just block and ignore.

sonjadog · 22/05/2017 15:41

I see your point, Les. But for me, 7 month is plenty of time to have decided to be faithful to one partner.The behaviour you are describing to me is only appropriate for the first couple of months max.

Original poster
happygolucky2017 · 22/05/2017 15:50

Everyone has such mixed views on this.

I did think we were at the point where maybe there was no label but enough mutual respect to not still be playing the field so to speak.

Clearly I'm not enough for him. We see each other 5/6 times a week, we spoke about future things. Not in great detail but enough to think it was going somewhere.

I completely agree with everyone that I should cut and run but I can't actually bring myself to do it. He's messaged asking if there was something up, I can't think of the words to reply. Blush

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 22/05/2017 15:53

As I said oop thread, its subjective isnt it. For me, I truly didn't have a moment where I just decided to be 'faithful' to the person I was,dating...Its just that interest in others simply melted away naturally as my feelings for him grew and I dont honestly see another way it can happen successfully apart from quite literally letting nature take its course .

LesisMiserable · 22/05/2017 15:54

If you expect him to be honest with you, be honest with him. Otherwise its just pure hypocrisy OP.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/05/2017 15:56

I don't think there are mixed views. I think the vast majority of people feel that when you're in a monogamous relationship then you're in a monogamous relationship. Most people don't feel sneaking around behind your partner's back and trying to get other people to have sex with you is appropriate.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/05/2017 15:57

Oh this is so difficult - I was in exactly the same position as you 10 years ago - found something similar out by snooping. Didn't have the courage to end it and couldn't admit what I'd done. It worked out for me - I stuck with it because I was certain the person was committed to me and their actions towards me proved that - but I became much more vigilant and less likely to accept willingly what I was being told. I became more cautious.

Paperdoll16 · 22/05/2017 16:00

Don't tell him over text. He'll delete everything and say it meant nothing.

Talk to him later saying you looked because you did see her name flash up and then he hid his phone.

Seeing each other that much but sexting other women is not on. Have it out and say you're not prepared to put up with it..

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 22/05/2017 16:17

I don't think there really are mixed views, I think you want there to be mixed views so you can pick on the ones which say 'give it a chance'. Sorry you're not hearing what you want to Sad

SweetLuck · 22/05/2017 16:19

Mixed views Eh? Where?

Original poster
happygolucky2017 · 22/05/2017 16:20

onemore were you not still paranoid and feeling like you wanted to look again all the time?
This is the problem I have.. he seems like he cares so much but maybe I am living on false hope.

I can't say we are mutual friends as the girls aren't from the same area as us, other than one but he would know I went snooping for that as I've already quizzed him about her. It would seem like I've contacted her for info. Sad

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 22/05/2017 16:22

I agree - no mixed views, one universal view and one dissenting voice - mine Grin OP, I think you really like this guy and I honestly think he really likes you tbh but you need to be honest and tell him what you did and saw if its going to prey on your mind which of course it is now.

LesisMiserable · 22/05/2017 16:23

Oh dear now its coming out. Quizzed him how and why?

ohfourfoxache · 22/05/2017 16:25

I'm not sure that, given what you've seen, you'll ever be able to trust a single word he says.

Cut your losses and find someone who won't lie to you

Original poster
happygolucky2017 · 22/05/2017 16:25

The mixed views are people telling me to just leave it, no explanation necessary. Then there are the ones giving me ways to go about it to quiz him without outing myself.
Then there's a small few who make me question if I should leave it where it is and hope maybe he does reach the same page as me eventually.

Of course I want to choose the latter, but what are the chances of it changing now.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 22/05/2017 16:26

I thought you said that you had already had a conversation with him about being exclusive. Have you not had that conversation?

Original poster
happygolucky2017 · 22/05/2017 16:28

Ha! I only asked him who she was as he had never mentioned her before, she randomly started showing up everytime he picked his phone up. He swore she was his mate, his number was given to her by one his mates girlfriends Hmm but I found messages to her that he probably wouldn't want me to see.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 22/05/2017 16:29

Mixed views, no, he's a creep by most people's views.

I honestly don't know why you feel the need to explain anything to him, you've discovered he's gone behind your back with other women under the guise of you two being exclusive.

Why even bother, just tell him it's over.

forumdonkey · 22/05/2017 16:54

Where does he know these girls from? Is he on an OLD site?

Original poster
happygolucky2017 · 22/05/2017 17:13

sonja I have told him I was exclusive to him. Wasn't interested in others and he agreed we were feeling the same

forum he has said he was previously on them but hasn't used them for a while, a while even before we met. He still gets emails from them but he doesn't seem to hide that?

I wish I was as strong as some of you guys on here. Destined for heartache haha! Wine

OP posts: