What I didn't know didn't hurt me?

[happygolucky2017]

Here goes.. I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it.

Been dating a guy for 7 months now, no label on it yet but to me we're pretty much together. Tonight he fell asleep and I've gone through his phone without him knowing (call me a pyscho haha) because I had a feeling there was something he was hiding. Long story short, he's been messaging a fair few other girls (some quite explicit). I'm absolutely head over heals for this man. He also admitted there were feelings on his side too recently. My question is to my fellow mumsnetters how on earth do I check where I stand or what we are without him knowing I've totally invaded is privacy??

True sadly frozen and some set the bar so low they could almost expect it.

Real supportive, trying to shame the OP into kowtowing to your view.

Miserable not at all, it is called being realistic. PP have been plenty supportive but some people just can't see what is right in front of them.

Ghost him, he deserves it.

Happy I wouldn't call giving advice to OP in her situation bullying. I honestly think I can provide support to someone in an abusive situation because I have been there. I know I am a stranger on the internet but my motivation is only to be supportive.

I was the OP in a crap relationship and in denial. It didn't go well for me and the only motivation that I have is to make OP realise that she is being abused by a liar who is trying to make out that she is some sort of a 'psycho'.

She is not a psycho, she is just looking for someone to care about her.

OP you deserve better and you sound like a nice person. I don't think posters are bulling you, they are just trying to tell you that he is treating you badly and you deserve so much better.

I was never one for the American style "exclusivity talk" as never really had too (in my day ?!! Argh old!!) but was going to suggest if you hadn't had the talk then in the current dating trend it wasn't surprising
However you and he HAVE discussed exclusively dating so he has no excuse for continuing to text other girls
Having been there pls walk away! It's tempting to play the pick me game and it's tempting to make excuses for him but in my experience of many broken hearts and embarrassing hook ups after 7 months they'd be so into you the conversation wouldn't even have to come up
Let him go have his fun and you go find someone who really wants and adores you
Don't waste your time xoxo

How did the chat go last night OP?

I would get rid now before you are more invested. I found out similar things not long into a relationship. He told me it didn't mean anything bla bla bla and I stayed with him for 8 years. I never trusted him and time and time again I found messages to other women. I wish I'd walked away that first time.

Emerald I was not criticising advice, that's what this forum is here for, I was criticising some posters angry comments aimed to shame the OP for not jumping to their advice immediate. Would you honestly say the likes of "some women put up with anything to be in a relationship " or "some set the bar so low they can expect it" is constructive advice? It seems to me like shaming and bullying. If you have advice following a similar experience that's clearly different. Not sure why you thought my comment was aimed at you.

Sorry, I've been a bit slow on the replies. I haven't seen him yet in person due to work and other plans (I've been spending some time with friends to avoid him right now), still haven't figured out the words to say.

I know the majority of you are probably right, he doesn't value me enough etc. I could possibly be hurt so much more in the long run, but I'm going to be a chancer this time. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt as maybe he isn't quite there enough yet like Lesis has stated, everyone is different.

I'm having too much fun and I'm so happy at the moment I'm not prepared to give it up.

I'm not lowering the bar, or needing to be in a relationship. That's not how I feel at all, I am quite comfortable being on my own. I have a huge friendship group and lots of family so I never feel lonely. I just can't help how I feel right now about him.

Thank you to everyone for the virtual support, and the words of wisdom! I needed you guys (probably still do). I will probably be blasted for this too but this feels right for me right now.

Nobody can blast you because nobody can say for sure their DP didnt do the same, they can only assume they didnt, which is was you did until you looked. His journey is his journey. He'll get to exclusivity quite naturally if you're the one - you're having fun and living in the moment and thats all you can do, its all any of us have. For what its worth I dont consider him cheating, no matter how everyone else classes it. Now you have to decide whether you tell him you looked. (You wont, will you).

If it feels right for you then that's ok.

Wishing you the respect & care you deserve. No matter who it's from.

Happy I am mystified about the comment you are talking about, I have no idea what you mean. I really hope things work out for you.

Nobody can blast you because nobody can say for sure their DP didnt do the same,

Absolutely bizarre thought process.

No one can say going out with a proven cheat is not a great idea, because their partners might have cheated?

Err

Best of luck op. I hope your partner "gets there" if that's what you want.

Can you update this thread in 6 months/a year?! I'm really interested in what happens. Even if it is to prove us all wrong!!

Yes please keep us posted.

I actually think after 7 months with someone (or even 2 weeks) he shouldn't be doing this. If you want to stay with him I would be open and honest about what you have seen and and from his response decide from there. You shouldn't be pretending you didn't see it. Your whole relationship will be you checking up on him!

Also, how can you be sure it is just messages? If they are sexually explicit it is likely that they are doing the same in real life.

Keep on keeping on OP.

Whats bizarre about realism?

Saying "Nobody can blast you because nobody can say for sure their DP didnt do the same" is BIZARRE

Saying "He'll get to exclusivity quite naturally if you're the one" is NOT realism.

Op, I look forward to your future posts.

Bloody hell. Actually I can say with quite a lot of confidence that he wouldn't have been texting other women because he was quite frankly besotted. Friends and family regularly still tell me they have next seen him so happy and immediately after we met he wanted to make sure that I wasn't seeing anyone else. He still shows me if he gets a message from someone from his past, voluntarily, not on my request.

No one can ever know for sure that their other half hasn't been texting someone else but what I'm saying is, she's seen he is...that's a pretty big red flag and it shouldn't be ignored.

I'm having too much fun and I'm so happy at the moment I'm not prepared to give it up

Mmmm SO much fun! Sounds like it

No point in posting asking for advice you have no intention of taking.

Give over frozen you're trying to take basic nature and make it fit a Disney narrative. Humans bond in their own time, not on your timeline. When they feel bonded for most any other prospects naturally lose their appeal. When and if they dont feel bonded, it can start again in the form of affairs down the line, it might not feel palatable to you but to deny scientific facts of human nature is nutty. And a bit bizarre, if you dont mind me saying.

OP, you've decided to stop smell the roses come what may and I for one say you go for it. Life is short and nothing is promised. I truly and sincerely hope you have fun with this guy and who knows where it will go 😊

Have fun and keep the sti clinic on speed dial. (Just being realistic)