What I didn't know didn't hurt me?

[happygolucky2017]

Here goes.. I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it.

Been dating a guy for 7 months now, no label on it yet but to me we're pretty much together. Tonight he fell asleep and I've gone through his phone without him knowing (call me a pyscho haha) because I had a feeling there was something he was hiding. Long story short, he's been messaging a fair few other girls (some quite explicit). I'm absolutely head over heals for this man. He also admitted there were feelings on his side too recently. My question is to my fellow mumsnetters how on earth do I check where I stand or what we are without him knowing I've totally invaded is privacy??

[Paperdoll16]

I do love your humour, op.

I look forward to the update in a few months. Hopefully good but either way, I do like an update so please don't forget about us.. 😜

[happygolucky2017]

I know it seems ridiculous that's I'm sticking it out, but I'll let it run for now. He won't get another chance if he continues to do it.

I'm not going to tell him I checked his phone which I know I should, I'm going to leave that one at the back of mind. I am however going to drop into conversation about 'a label' so to speak and make him fully aware of where I am in this relationship.

Thanks once again everyone for all of this. I appreciate everyone's advice.

I'll come back and update you all on where we are in six months (might not need that long haha!)

[Kittencatkins123]

This thread makes me so angry!
Les - maybe you were keeping your options open with some light flirting but you were NOT exchanging sexually explicit messages. Your whole point about 'no one knows if their partner is faithful' is moot - the OP DOES know that her partner has been unfaithful by sharing explicit text messages. You go on about you keeping your options open but the OP HASN'T been doing that BECAUSE she thought they were exclusive. None of your experience is relevant here! But you've enabled OP to minimise and talk herself into shitty treatment based on your totally spurious nonsensical arguments. Also - you seem to hold the fact that he accused OP of messaging other guys as some kind of mitigating factor when really he was likely accusing her to deflect and distract from his own infidelity.
Well done for doling out a heap of shit advice to someone on the cusp of asking for basic respect in a relationship.

[RestlessTravellerTheSequel]

Yep Trood I spotted that, see above post.

[LesisMiserable]

I respect your point just. Its all good

[troodiedoo]

RestlessTravellerTheSequel they have talked about it and agreed.

[RestlessTravellerTheSequel]

Sorry! I completely misread the bit about where you had the nit dating anyone else conversation. Yeah dump him.

[RestlessTravellerTheSequel]

I'm sorry but if you've not talked about exclusivity (no matter how long the relationship has been) the. I don't think he's done anything wrong.

You on the other hand have completely overstepped the mark by checking his phone.

[Justbreaking]

Ah but Les, you covered the don't need to's from the POV of ignorance is bliss, I am not ignorant to what XDP used his phone for - I'm only all to aware. Yes, had I not found out what he was up to I'd have probably had longer of being 'happy' and been further in than 18 months and more emotionally, financially and practically wrapped up with him, and it'd have been harder than it is now.

"Some will say - I dont need to check DP's phone and they're right - ignorance is bliss for these people - nothing wrong with that and I wholly agree with that sentiment"

Ultimately the OP has made her decision, I for one respect it even if I think it's not the right one. And I only think that through the benefit of 20/20 hindsight!

I'm sorry but I don't believe in you definition of 'letting it grow organically' when you're at a point of agreeing that you have feelings for each other and want a relationship, contact with the opposite sex should be held or reduced back to, a friends level.

[LesisMiserable]

just yes, I covered the "dont need to's" in the summary I'm in your camp btw on that.

[Justbreaking]

"I say everyone on this thread goes and checks their partner's phone right now. "

Well I don't need to. My advice to the OP is based on a very similar red flag in my early relationship, that turned out to be spot on and he cheated on me the entire length of our relationship, swore he'd change, didn't and has thrown all the love and support back at me by just walking away.

I'm not saying that this will be the case for the OP but it's quite likely. TBH it's so close to his MO I wondered if it was actually him!

OP, this man has deceived you from what you've said, no 2 ways about it, and ime he'll probably be a lot more careful about it in future now, so he doesn't get caught.
But good luck because I understand exactly how you feel and why you're taking the chance. I mean this in the nicest way and not sarcastically, I hope it works out for you and you're happy with him. The only thing that was worse for me was knowing my suspicions, and him knowing them too, and buying all the crap he further spouted and the higher level of deceit for him to try and show he wasn't deceiving.
If that happens, please don't suffer alone, I've tried to but got some good support on here.

[LesisMiserable]

[f83mx]

Hairydontcare

Made me chuckle!! although in true MN fashion are you sure he's not a secret eating gambling addict? you should probably LTB (joke!)

[Hairydontcare]

Lesismiserable Checked my husband's phone! I was away all last week and have found evidence of greyhound betting and two unauthorised curries. The bastard.

[ddssdd]

He is not the man for you.

Years ago, I was in a similar situation; making out the red flags were really pink flags. That I could change him. That he loved me. That we weren't really together.
That it didn't matter.

All of it matters. If it didn't matter to you, you wouldn't have started this thread. It doesn't make a difference if you try and mimise things and make excuses, it matters

It shows an astounding level of disrespect, given the fact that you have more than likely been intimate with him. Make all the excuses you want. It matters.

[troodiedoo]

Are you actually on glue les? Everyone is guilty until proven innocent, and even then they are guilty, just good at covering their tracks

[LesisMiserable]

I say everyone on this thread goes and checks their partner's phone right now. Lets see what comes back. A fair percentage of you will find things you're not too happy with. A fair percentage will not be allowed to look at the phone. Some will be given the phone no question and be completely happy - probably because their DP is innocent as the driven snow, maybe because he's good at hiding his tracks and you'll never be any the wiser. Some will say - I dont need to check DP's phone and they're right - ignorance is bliss for these people - nothing wrong with that and I wholly agree with that sentiment. If people want to stray at any point in their relationship they will. If people send a flirty message it does not mean they are having sex with the person they have messaged, not one iota - it CAN mean that but it isnt automatically the case. God knows I was flirting up a storm in the first few months of my dating with DP - with literally no intention whatsoever of meeting anyone else or having sex with them at all. It happens. As I fell more and more for DP, I stopped answering the others or the texts became just friendly in context...the friendly ones still pop up now and again to say Hi and tell me about their lives, the flirty ones died away. That's called letting it grow organically and we all know, natural is best and good things take time to grow keep fighting it all you like, but its the truth, in all areas of life.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Wtf, he's already been caught out.

Facepalm.

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

Have fun and keep the sti clinic on speed dial. (Just being realistic)

[LesisMiserable]

OP, you've decided to stop smell the roses come what may and I for one say you go for it. Life is short and nothing is promised. I truly and sincerely hope you have fun with this guy and who knows where it will go 😊

[LesisMiserable]

Give over frozen you're trying to take basic nature and make it fit a Disney narrative. Humans bond in their own time, not on your timeline. When they feel bonded for most any other prospects naturally lose their appeal. When and if they dont feel bonded, it can start again in the form of affairs down the line, it might not feel palatable to you but to deny scientific facts of human nature is nutty. And a bit bizarre, if you dont mind me saying.

[Fluffypinkpyjamas]

I'm having too much fun and I'm so happy at the moment I'm not prepared to give it up

Mmmm SO much fun! Sounds like it

No point in posting asking for advice you have no intention of taking.

[IfeelFloopy]

Bloody hell. Actually I can say with quite a lot of confidence that he wouldn't have been texting other women because he was quite frankly besotted. Friends and family regularly still tell me they have next seen him so happy and immediately after we met he wanted to make sure that I wasn't seeing anyone else. He still shows me if he gets a message from someone from his past, voluntarily, not on my request.

No one can ever know for sure that their other half hasn't been texting someone else but what I'm saying is, she's seen he is...that's a pretty big red flag and it shouldn't be ignored.

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

Saying "Nobody can blast you because nobody can say for sure their DP didnt do the same" is BIZARRE

Saying "He'll get to exclusivity quite naturally if you're the one" is NOT realism.

Op, I look forward to your future posts.

[LesisMiserable]

Whats bizarre about realism?