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Original poster

He's broke the news

175 replies

missforever · 14/05/2017 21:19

I've nc.
Been with DP for nearly 4 years have 1 dc and just found out expecting no2.
After me asking about marriage he's just broke the news he has no interest and has no plans to ever marry me. He said last year and a year ago it would be when we were financially stable (have been for a while now)
I'm at a loss on what to do.
I'm 28 he is 48. Everything has been all hunky dory until now. (He's never been married before but had a longest relationship of 8 years)Confused
I want to leave because marriage is important to me (not religious but the status I suppose. I feel like we would be a complete family)

OP posts:
Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 21:22

Just realised wrong topic too!

OP posts:
Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 21:23

And just realised I was supposed to ask what your opinions would be? Is marriage really important or not?

OP posts:
user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:23

What reason does he give for not wanting to give you and his children the security that marriage brings?

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 21:25

He just said he's not interested and it means nothing to him user Confused he gets quite moody on the subject so I normally just walk away from it

OP posts:
user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:26

Sorry to hear that missforever. It might mean "nothing to him" but it would make a whole lot of difference to you and the children if you and your partner split up or he died.

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:27

If you don't want to break up with him, please make sure that he gets a Will sorted out and you have security of your home, etc. That should be the absolute least he is willing to do.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 14/05/2017 21:28

What's your financial and house situation?

RandomMess · 14/05/2017 21:28

Honestly unless the house is 50:50 on the deeds and finances are completely shared and your pension is being paid into I'd leave as you are financially vulnerable.

If it means so little to him why not do it because it matters to you...

missyB1 · 14/05/2017 21:28

So did he always know that marriage was important to you? And he was all for it whilst you were getting pregnant with his children but has now changed his mind? Is that right? He has deceived you I'm afraid, he got you to have kids with him under the false pretence that he was going to marry you.

Do you want to stay with someone who led you up the garden path?

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:29

he gets quite moody on the subject so I normally just walk away from it

His behaviour is to make sure all discussion that doesn't suit him is shut down, OP.

Another worrying trait he has, in my opinion.

ahipponamedbooboobutt · 14/05/2017 21:30

If marriage is so important, why have you had 2 dc with the man before he's given you a ring!
On one hand marriage is not important - it's just a piece of paper. On the other hand - it still means a lot in the sense of next of kin, inheritance, there are more benefits available to widows, pensions, all that kind of thing. And especially with him being so much older you really do need that financial protection. But if he won't, you can't force him

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 21:33

Yes, house is all in his name. Basically everything but my car is mine. Told me he would marry me when the time was right etc etc.
I'm now in a split mind about this pregnancy. He is financially secure and I have nothing. Having another baby with him seems like (unsure if the word)
He is thrilled to be a dad again. But I'm on the fence. (Unsure how far along I am (pcos) and done even want to make a dr appointment Sad I think I need out because this isn't what I want. I have no idea how to move forward when I have nothing.

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 14/05/2017 21:34

His behaviour is to make sure all discussion that doesn't suit him is shut down, OP.

Yep. Looks like it works really well, too.

Jazzywazzydodah · 14/05/2017 21:36

He's lied to you. He dangled a carrot long enough for you to give him two kids so why does he have to marry you now when your already playing wifey?

If he had been honest from the start it would be different.

If you can put up with being misled and lied to then stay with him.

BUT he knows full well he has lied to you and this will absolutely be a bench mark for the future.

I think it's actually really mean what he has done and I'd be really upset

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:37

Yes, house is all in his name. Basically everything but my car is mine

Then you are in an extremely vulnerable financial position.

Told me he would marry me when the time was right etc etc

You are having his second baby! If the time isn't right now, when on earth will it be?!

He is financially secure and I have nothing

...and he likes things just the way they are, doesn't he?

He is thrilled to be a dad again

Remind him that part of being a dad is providing financial and emotional security for your children and the mother of your children. It's not just the Kodak moments.

I have no idea how to move forward when I have nothing

Well, you've come to the right place. You've started this thread.

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 14/05/2017 21:40

I have been with my DP for 10 years and we have 3 DC's. He has zero inclination to get married. He honestly doesn't see the point in it (his parents are not married and have been together for 37 years) and hates being the centre of attention.

I would love to marry him but I would never leave him over it.

You need to decide just how much you value the "status" of marriage over your relationship.

scallopsrgreat · 14/05/2017 21:41

The fact that he gets moody about it belies his 'I'm not interested and it doesn't mean anything to me line' Hmm.

And as others have said it also shuts down the conversation in his favour.

He's not shaping up to be a keeper is he?

I think you're doing right seriously thinking about what you want. He's telling you what he's like and what he thinks about you. Believe him.

Jazzywazzydodah · 14/05/2017 21:41

You need to start protecting yourself. You could STFU for years and years and then he gets himself a younger model and boots you out and you would have nothing

Squirrel money away
Get a job
Get your own place

GardenGeek · 14/05/2017 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TatianaLarina · 14/05/2017 21:42

Tell him you want out. That will take the 'thrill' out of his sails.

I'm disgusted tbh.

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:42

ForTheLoveOfSleep

It sounds like you had this arrangement with your DP from the beginning and were okay with it though.

However, the OP has been consistently lied to and deliberately misled so that her PD could get what he wants without making good on his promise to her.

He also gets arsey when she wants a discussion about it, which is an ugly trait.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 14/05/2017 21:42

In your shoes I would leave, pronto. You are incredibly vulnerable as he could put you on the street and you would have no entitlement to anything at all apart from statutory child maintenance. This is especially risky if you're having kids because it is invariably the woman who bears the brunt of childcare - either by working PT or being a SAHP. If you cannot even guarantee the roof over your head then you should think very long and hard about this relationship.

The vulnerability can be addressed by going to a solicitor and having agreements drawn up about property and pensions etc. But £90 for a licence and 20 minutes at a registry office confers all of these protections straight away. I suspect that your partner doesn't give a shit about getting married because he has no interest in protecting your interests - in which case I also suspect that the chances of him going to a solicitor with you are zero. I certainly wouldn't be having any more kids with him.

Have the baby - or don't. But I'd leave him either way.

TatianaLarina · 14/05/2017 21:43

I would love to marry him but I would never leave him over it

And if he left you you would have absolutely fucking nothing.

cdtaylornats · 14/05/2017 21:44

How does he feel about a civil partnership

RandomMess · 14/05/2017 21:44

Yep I'd tell him that you are leaving, if you aren't good enough to marry then you are not staying.

He may surprise you and decide actually he could marry after all...

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