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Original poster

He's broke the news

175 replies

missforever · 14/05/2017 21:19

I've nc.
Been with DP for nearly 4 years have 1 dc and just found out expecting no2.
After me asking about marriage he's just broke the news he has no interest and has no plans to ever marry me. He said last year and a year ago it would be when we were financially stable (have been for a while now)
I'm at a loss on what to do.
I'm 28 he is 48. Everything has been all hunky dory until now. (He's never been married before but had a longest relationship of 8 years)Confused
I want to leave because marriage is important to me (not religious but the status I suppose. I feel like we would be a complete family)

OP posts:
Mrscog · 16/05/2017 13:03

Mrholmes that works when you're in love with someone who has a mutual respect for you who cares for you and your security, but the DP of the OP has shown his hand - he doesn't respect her he just sees her as a child bearer who he's happy to 'pay for' but only on his terms to protect his overall position.

WhisperingLoudly · 16/05/2017 13:11

mrholmes if you are an unmarried partner who has given up work to care for DC then you are in an extremely precarious situation.

StrangeLookingParasite · 16/05/2017 13:15

If financial reasons then how romantic. Are you happy apart from this? What are the benefits of being married. I'm seriously asking?

Did you read the thread ?

froyotogo · 16/05/2017 13:28

Get yourselves to a solicitor and change the deeds on the house, pension and will. You want the set up as if you are married or you need to have a re think. Make an appointment today.

If he has no intention of the above then you need to leave, get a job and start building a new life.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/05/2017 13:29

No I don't think mrholmes did read the whole thread.
Odd response otherwise.

You are doing all the right things for now.
CAB can help you understand benefits, housing, tax credits etc...
Do you have any idea how much he earns?
If it's his own / parents business they may just pay themselves a minimal amount and the rest in dividends which will be a nightmare for child maintenance payments so find out what you can on that score.
CSA can help you with child payments.

Do you have family you can go to?

Take care of the pregnancy first, one way or the other then get everything else sorted out.

Motoko · 16/05/2017 13:43

What are the benefits of being married. I'm seriously asking?

To be in a more secure situation if partner dies or leaves.

So many people have sadly discovered when their partner dies, that because the house, and sometimes bills etc are in the partners name, and no will has been made, that they're not entitled to anything. They lose the house they may have been living in for many years, they're not entitled to things like Widow's Allowance, or death in service benefits unless named etc.

Original poster
missforever · 16/05/2017 13:48

Absolutely no idea what he earns. It changes apparently Hmm.
He's md of the company but employed by the company so therefore not self-employed so no idea how his wage would vary (same hours etc etc) I think it's all to throw me off.
I've just told him I'm leaving. I'm keeping my baby. He's welcome to see the child and ds and the. Any will not be having his surname under any circumstances and that I'm undecided if he will be on the birth certificate. He said that it's spiteful and hurtful baby can't have his surname. I told him to think how hurtful it is for me being promised a marriage, proper commitment and me sharing the same name as ds and my future child.
He soon shut the fuck up and said we would talk when he's home.
He can talk all he likes, it will go in one ear and out the other. I FUCKING HATE HIM right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
missforever · 16/05/2017 13:49

I'm sorry for the rant at the end of that. But I feel better Grin.
Mrholmes. RTFT

OP posts:
Original poster
missforever · 16/05/2017 13:51

THE BABY - the any

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/05/2017 13:54

You rant away - that's what this thread is for.
YOU!!!!
I'm glad you told him how it is for you.
The fact you don't know what he earns, what savings he has etc.... speaks volumes.
You are the little woman at home and he doesn't have to share any info with you at all.
It's all very wrong indeed.

Can you go somewhere so you aren't there when he gets home?
Just give yourself a bit of headspace and freak him out at the same time!
Friends maybe - just switch your phone and go for a couple of nights.

Original poster
missforever · 16/05/2017 13:57

Hells im just if to see my nan, so me and ds will no doubt be there until well after dinner as she like the company and to feed us lots of cake Grin.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 16/05/2017 13:58

Tell him you're takimg a leaf out od his book and making sure you're in a secure and stable situation. So it's very clever of him to guard himself but if you do it, then it'a wrong?

AliceByTheMoon · 16/05/2017 14:08

Oh good for you OP. And make sure you see a solicitor quick smart.

Thanks
Wotshudwehave4T · 16/05/2017 14:15

Well done OP, he's being childish-"spiteful and hurtful" indeed! If that's how he's sees it ask him if he feels, then he's being deliberately spiteful and hurtful in taking DC1s name and excluding you as that is how you feel. How about him sharing part but not all of his life with you. You've invested your future in him and are sharing everything and he's taken it all and given not a lot back. You are vulnerable. Explain to him getting married and sharing may make him feel vulnerable too, but that's what team work is about. Now is your chance if he doesn't agree to this now, he never will when DC2 is born.

BluePeppers · 16/05/2017 14:16

The icome he has will be variable because it will be made with his wage (stable but minimum) and dividends of the company (variable and could be high or very high).
Not a lot of help for you because hecwill probably declare his wage and expect to pay maintenance on that only.

BluePeppers · 16/05/2017 14:19

mrholmes I do hope you have read the thread now.
Otherwise I would advise you to do so. Because no marrying fir financial reasons isn't romantic and not being married might work well fir you BUT it can also cause a lot if issues as shown on this thread where the OP is left with nothing....

FP239 · 16/05/2017 14:19

I cant believe the gall of some men. What a scummy thing to do :( I hope you do what is right for you OP

mrholmes · 16/05/2017 14:20

Okay. We'll I think it was good that you've made a stance. I think if he is adamant on not getting married you should have some financial stability so ask him about this and see his reaction.

If it is a true partnership and he doesn't see it as his money his house great. Otherwise as others have said he either doesn't care about your position or he just hasn't looked at it from where you are.

I still, other than that don't see how you can force someone to do something that they don't want to do.

Good luck. I'm sure we'd all be interested in what he says.

Goingtobeawesome · 16/05/2017 14:23

Can we just stop marriage is just a piece of paper? It is not. It's a legal document that gives you rights and protections in the case of next of kin scenarios and death. If he died things will be easier if you are married. He's been very selfish not wanting to protect you and his children in the event of his death. If you leave him without being married then I'm not sure you get maintenance.

SheRasBra · 16/05/2017 14:23

Have you thought about wielding a little of the power you do hold OP? it's not a nice tactic but you could suggest that you are having second thoughts about this second pregnancy (which it sounds like you are) - you always thought you would be married, you now feel rather insecure etc.

You could also point out that marriage protects his rights too and that if you were to split up he will not automatically have rights to see the children.

What surname does your DC use? If his, you might want to change it to yours (or at least suggest that you could).

As others have said, you don't have to have a big 'do' but it is important to you and will be important for the children. Put it in a letter setting out the strength of your feelings if he always dodges the issue in conversation. If he won't even read and consider it you really have your answer right there.

WimbledonMum1 · 16/05/2017 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
missforever · 16/05/2017 14:30

Sherasbra ds has his name. I've told him I want him to sign the deedpoll for ds to take my name but he isn't having a bar of it. Half tempted to forge it but I won't.
If he was to turn round and ask me to marry him. The answer now would be no. Don't want a 'big' wedding. Something small, personal (And something that means something) which it wouldn't. To him or me now.
In all honesty I'm done.
I'll see what he has to say later but I can't see us moving on from this. It would feel like I'd forced him to marry me and I could only see that ending in divorce somewhere down the line.
A marriage to me is everything.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2017 14:30

I honestly think that's your strongest suit.

Marriage sorted immediately or you leave, baby has your surname, and that's that. Marriage happens NOW, not after baby has been born and registered.

Oh yep he'll be ranting on about custody. You keep your cool and you say, fine. Happy with joint custody. Only it won't be your parents doing all the work because I will contest any motion you put for 50/50 because contact is for YOU to be with your child not permanent babysitters. So if you are working full time and applying for 50/50 and I say no, visitation is better for DS because you are not even there half the time, you will probably get visitation. So if you want 50/50 just start planning to go part time. Plus where new baby is concerned you won't even have a hope of getting overnights within the first year. Don't think you're going to scare me with any talk of custody. The MAXIMUM you will get is shared care, and I am actually perfectly happy with that as it will also mean that I too can have a more flexible life and better earning opportunities. So be careful what you wish for.

Then look him in the eye and say, I'm glad I'm not you. So miserly and frightened that you'd rather lose your own family than have the love and courage to commit properly, to share the money and assets that actually, you wouldn't have been able to continue accruing during the time DS has been here without ME putting both him and you first and being at home. I had the courage to put family first and my precious assets and job security second. I can hold my head up, not sure about you. Hope you enjoy your precious house when it's cold and empty 50% of the time or more. And good luck with finding another mug to share your miserable worldview with your track record!

PoorYorick · 16/05/2017 14:31

Love all these deadbeats who get all pissy when their illustrious name doesn't get passed on.

Goingtobeawesome · 16/05/2017 14:32

Good luck Op. take care.

I'd be asking him why he's had children with someone he thinks so little of that they'd shaft him. Dickhead.