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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's broke the news

175 replies

missforever · 14/05/2017 21:19

I've nc.
Been with DP for nearly 4 years have 1 dc and just found out expecting no2.
After me asking about marriage he's just broke the news he has no interest and has no plans to ever marry me. He said last year and a year ago it would be when we were financially stable (have been for a while now)
I'm at a loss on what to do.
I'm 28 he is 48. Everything has been all hunky dory until now. (He's never been married before but had a longest relationship of 8 years)
I want to leave because marriage is important to me (not religious but the status I suppose. I feel like we would be a complete family)

OP posts:

somethingwitty3432 · 14/05/2017 21:44

Bit crazy that you feel your options are marry or leave... if you love him & your relationship works why would you change it? If it's about finances & you feel like you're entitled just have you name added to the mortgage.

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 14/05/2017 21:45

Slow typist Just saw op's latest post. You need to get legalities sorted. I might not be getting married any time soon but I sure as shit have my name on everything worth having.

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:45

Why would her partner lie to her for years though? He could have been honest from the beginning.

RainbowPastel · 14/05/2017 21:45

Marriage is incredibly important to me. There was no way I was having children before we were married.

He has misled you which is a nasty thing to do.

RandomMess · 14/05/2017 21:46

A male and female can't have a CP unless you go to the Isle of Man!

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:46

Your DP may let you have your name on the mortgage and go with you to a solicitor, but I have a nasty feeling he won't. The fact he gets nasty when you try and discuss something he has been promising you for years tells me that he is afraid of you getting your name on stuff or your fair share of stuff if he bails later on.

TatianaLarina · 14/05/2017 21:46

You need to decide just how much you value the "status" of marriage over your relationship

No OP needs to think through what situation she'd be in financially if they split, (bad she says) and whether she wants to take such a risk and live so precariously simply for fear of annoying her partner. She needs to think through whether she has a future with a partner who has lied and manipulated.

She's up the duff a second time, he's 'thrilled' to get what he wanted, what's she got?

PeachyPip · 14/05/2017 21:48

Have you posted about him before?

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:50

There's such an age gap here. I have no beef with that per se, but I wonder if in this particular case, the DP of 44 (at the time you got together) thought he could manipulate a 24 yo more easily, which indeed he has...

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/05/2017 21:53

If you don't feel you can carry on with the pregnancy, then you need to find out how far along you are.

Do you work?

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to be married, what about it feels 'wrong' - because from your point of view, his only reason to not marry you is so that if he wants to end the relationship, he gets to keep everything and you get nothing. That you have no rights to be in the house, to any of his savings or pension, to have any financial support beyond the most basic the CSA will award you - and if he wants to remain able to end the relationship like that, it's because he would do that to you at some point. You will have to plan on the assumption that while he's 'thrilled' to have DC2, he doesn't plan to spend the rest of his life with you. He's already planning on leaving at some point, and when that happens, you will struggle to support the 2 DCs.

Crumbs1 · 14/05/2017 21:54

Are you 100% certain he's not actually married already? That would stop,him wanting to marry again if he's never actually divorced and has lied about marital status.

happypoobum · 14/05/2017 21:54

The financial implications for you if you split would be enormous.

He says marriage isn't important to him, but if that was so he wouldn't be bothered about doing it because it was important to you. He clearly feels very strongly that he does not wish to marry you.

You are very vulnerable here

PoorYorick · 14/05/2017 21:56

Marriage must mean something if he won't do it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/05/2017 21:57

My instinct is that thereis something he isnt telling you. Could be he has been married before or possibly that he is still married and doesnt want to get divorced.... could be anything really but my gut feeling is that he is a "keep my options open" kind of man. I know someone like this (well used to, pre divorce from ex) and he refused to marry his DP because he said that if he met someone else then he didnt want the hassle of having to get divorced, fucking charmer. They had 2 kids. The laughable part was that he was so odious that no other women woiuld look at him twice, she was the only woman who would have him. They have emigrated now and I doubt that he is treating her any better.

You are young enough to start again, so I suggest that you do and dont forget that whatever the situation with housing etc, he will still have to pay you maintenance for your DC.

CountFosco · 14/05/2017 21:58

Leave him. If he loves you then he'll marry you (this happened to my cousin, although his now wife left because he had a serious accident and she wasn't his next of kin so wasn't contacted by the police, she went back to her own country and he followed and proposed). If he doesn't fight for you then you know where you stand and can make arrangements accordingly.

WomblingThree · 14/05/2017 21:59

Does he think you want a huge fancy wedding. Is that what is putting him off? Ask him if he fancies popping to the registry office in a couple of weeks and just getting it over with. At least that way you will be financially protected.

happypoobum · 14/05/2017 22:03

I had a friend like you OP who had three children with a DP who insisted he would never marry. He just didn't want to marry her.

He left her and the DC for OW who he married within 6 months.

She was left struggling really badly for a long time.

FilledSoda · 14/05/2017 22:10

This should have been decided before baby no.1
Sorry OP that's not much comfort now I know.
If he won't reconsider I would leave him.
Do it while you're still young and you don't have to continue with your pregnancy if you don't want to.

mathanxiety · 14/05/2017 22:14

You should not rule out leaving.

highinthesky · 14/05/2017 22:16

What a dreadful situation.

This man is a prime user; depending on him for your existence must be like living with the Sword of Damocles swinging over your head.

mathanxiety · 14/05/2017 22:18

Indeed - he likes that you know what side your bread is buttered on.

He holds the upper hand as long as you are the main caregiver to the children, not earning enough to support yourself.

plantsitter · 14/05/2017 22:19

Don't leave yet.

You need to get your finances in order. Are you working? If so, stop sharing money. If not, you need a joint bank account pronto. If he won't do those things, you're in trouble and need legal advice (though I don't know if you have any rights legally as you're not married).

I don't think marriage in and of itself is especially important BUT being in a watertight situation financially and practically is and getting married is a really quick way of making sure all that is sorted.

In your situation I know it's easy to say but I would be pretending I would never leave him while planning to leave, because he is basically financially abusing you. Sorry.

Peanutbutterrules · 14/05/2017 22:26

Plan your departure. You are terribly young, and vulnerable and this man is taking advatange. You could always ask to go the the deed for the house as an equal partner. His reaction will tell you lots.

NellieFiveBellies · 14/05/2017 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2017 22:28

I'd get a termination and leave him.

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