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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's broke the news

175 replies

missforever · 14/05/2017 21:19

I've nc.
Been with DP for nearly 4 years have 1 dc and just found out expecting no2.
After me asking about marriage he's just broke the news he has no interest and has no plans to ever marry me. He said last year and a year ago it would be when we were financially stable (have been for a while now)
I'm at a loss on what to do.
I'm 28 he is 48. Everything has been all hunky dory until now. (He's never been married before but had a longest relationship of 8 years)Confused
I want to leave because marriage is important to me (not religious but the status I suppose. I feel like we would be a complete family)

OP posts:
Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 22:33

He's never been married before. When we told the 'inlaws' they were over welled and said 'about time' (I Adore them as do they me) I do t even know how to broach the sulbject about having my name put on the deeds to be honest. I can only guess it would go the same way about marriage. I'm not working ATM and haven't been since ds1 came along as he said we were financially comfortable for me not to. (I've never asked him for anything) and he willingly pays for things I need. I don't have to ask. But I do have to ask for money to do things when I want to take ds out of a daytime. (He normally gives me more than needed and I don't give him left over money because I see that as mine) as many of you have pointed out the insecurity is what worries me also. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but marriage just basically isn't an option.
I think in all honesty I'd be best to terminate and leave now with ds and start a fresh. Although I know 100% he will go for custody.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/05/2017 22:33

You can find out if he's married by accessing the register of marriage certificates online (UK). That might be a good first step.

Then make it clear that you can't continue with such a precarious financial set up for you and your children.

You must be upset so take some time to think calmly about what you will do. Flowers

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 22:33

I never wanted a glass of wine so much in my life. BlushSad

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Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 22:34

Oh he was also happy for me to change my surname by deedpoll aswell!
Would that help things if I did? Or is it just 'one of those things?'

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BlackStars · 14/05/2017 22:36

And another woman who has decided to have child/children with a non committal partner when she has no money/assets etc!! When will they ever learn!!

No fan of marriage but DO IT before you have kids - it offers protections nothing else does (and it doesn't have to be expensive)

And Never rely on a man - get your own money career sorted before you have kids.

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 22:39

Re read posts again and I've told him I do t want an expensive big wedding. A reception and nice meal after with family would do me nicely. Still not even vaguely interested

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InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/05/2017 22:39

no, it wouldn't help anything, the marriage is the legal contract.

Would he really go for custody? He works full time, he would have to make a dramatic change to his life if he didn't have you to do the childcare. Being a weekend dad might be much more appealing.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/05/2017 22:40

oh and if you do stay, you need access to money regularly, not asking for handouts. So either a joint account the money goes into, or a set amount transfered to you by standing order each month.

You should start looking for a new job ASAP.

plantsitter · 14/05/2017 22:41

I'm sorry, missforever. Flowers.

I think thinking carefully about what you will do is good advice above.

You need to tell him your are not secure financially. Ask him what you will do if he dies. No marriage, fine, but if you are a family unit you are a family unit and that means equal access to money. You are not a child who needs pocket money.

If you daren't broach the subject do you really want to share your life with someone when huge subjects - ones that affect you directly - are off limits for discussion?

I suggest you give yourself chance to calm down and then have a serious chat.

The chances of him getting custody when you are full time carer for your son are fairly slim I think.

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 22:41

Invisible no he's already made that clear before. His parents are retired and would have our ds any chance they get.
Plus with him working I feel like he would get the upper hand. Plus he could afford a much better solicitor than me Confused

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Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 22:42

I've been well and truly played haven't I. Hmm.
Every bloke I choose ends up being a cunt

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ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/05/2017 22:42

Changing your name wouldn't give you any claims on his estate Sad

I hope you're ok, you don't have to make any big decisions right now. Just consider what you will do and what you want him to do to make you (most importantly) financially secure if you spilt up, or something happened to your dp.

You need commitment from him and that's not unreasonable to expect, particularly with children.

You can find good advice online regarding putting your name on the mortgage and what your rights would be if you did so whilst being unmarried.

Try not to get too stressed. It must feel overwhelming right now x

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/05/2017 22:50

Unless he can prove that you are neglectful, abusive or in some way unable to care properly for your child then there is no way he will get residency. As you have been at home looking after your child for, how long? At least a year I would say, with no issues, he will not get anywhere.

At absolute worst you might get 50/50 shared care, but even then maybe not or at least not until your child is a bit older.

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 22:50

Earlynineties ty.
I want to go about asking him about security if something was to happen to him (and I can imagine he will say nothing will and the conversation will continue like that)
What the hell do you do when someone acts like that? Apart from leave?
I've also made my mind up that I'm not continuing with this pregnancy. I cannot continue a relationship with this idiot man. I also don't feel anything about it.

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SoulAccount · 14/05/2017 22:56

I would tell him that you need to get some security and recognition for your role as parent of your children.

Tell him that you need your name on the deeds of the house. That you need your own income and pension and will therefore be returning to work next week. He will need to find childcare to cover half the working week.

What possessed you to change your name? Change it back' If you have your baby give her or him your surname.

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 23:03

Soul I change my name, I just asked him in conversation when I brought up marriage. He was very happy for me to do that, whilst saying marriage would basically happen 'soon'

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Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 23:04

I didn't * name change !!

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Squishedstrawberry4 · 14/05/2017 23:04

Text/email/talk. Ask him about being on the deeds. Ask him to sort it this week so that you have security for yourself and your child. If he doesn't, you have your answer about the relationship and it's future. He happily will have you invest your time and energy into nurturing his child but won't consider offering you security. He's taking bit not giving.

Lynnm63 · 14/05/2017 23:06

You could state calmly that if he won't marry you you don't feel able to continue with the pregnancy. He might assume you'll just coast along and he won't have to do anything. If he's not prepared to marry you and is unmoved by you threatening a termination you know he's not worth the effort. Get some legal advice though. I was never bothered about being married but knew I wouldn't have kids until we were.

Headofthehive55 · 14/05/2017 23:07

Change your name back.
Is it possible to change your DS name back (if it's his not yours?).
I don't think he has a say because you aren't married.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 14/05/2017 23:08

I don't think he has to marry you but the house should be in joint names at least

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/05/2017 23:09

I agree with Pyong unless there are safe guarding issues you won't lose custody and can remain the primary carer.
I can't help thinking that's a low blow from him to threaten you with that.

Don't make any rash decisions just yet about your baby. If you do decide to terminate, you will be offered some counselling first. I think that will help with your decision.

Alexandra87 · 14/05/2017 23:11

Honestly I wouldn't want to force somebody to marry me if they didn't want to. I would ask him to go see a solicitor to sort things out legally and be asking for my name on the house deeds. If he wouldn't do that I'd leave.

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 23:13

I think telling him I cannot continue with the pregnancy unless we marry will have him telling me I'm blackmailing him. So In all honesty I think I'll have my answer?

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redshoeblueshoe · 14/05/2017 23:16

From all you've said he won't put you on the deeds, he will just close that conversation down too.
His parents are probably not so lovely if they would support him to get custody of your DS.

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