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Original poster

He's broke the news

175 replies

missforever · 14/05/2017 21:19

I've nc.
Been with DP for nearly 4 years have 1 dc and just found out expecting no2.
After me asking about marriage he's just broke the news he has no interest and has no plans to ever marry me. He said last year and a year ago it would be when we were financially stable (have been for a while now)
I'm at a loss on what to do.
I'm 28 he is 48. Everything has been all hunky dory until now. (He's never been married before but had a longest relationship of 8 years)Confused
I want to leave because marriage is important to me (not religious but the status I suppose. I feel like we would be a complete family)

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 14/05/2017 23:16

Argh. It's like deja feckin' vu here today.

Sorry OP, yes, you've been stitched up a kipper. But you went along with it! Why?!

Let me guess, your DC has his surname?

C0untDucku1a · 14/05/2017 23:17

Dear lord. What has happened in our society that women have moved so far away from marriage then kids, to kids and empty promises?!

notangelinajolie · 14/05/2017 23:17

Ok, so if marriage isn't on the cards, I think what is more important at this time is your childs/children/s financial security for the future. Before you fall out/leave him you should look at just ensuring he does the right thing for his children. He needs to make a Will with your children as his beneficiaries. Surely he can't object to that? Time to think about yourself once that is done. Financially, you are leaving yourself wide open to ending up with nothing. Keeping things the way they are is no good - something needs to be done and if he's not wanting to marry you then you need to have some alternative financial arrangement in place to protect yourself.

It sounds to me that marriage is very important to you. I, personally would not stay with a man who refused to marry me - it would break my heart that someone I loved didn't want to make that commitment to me and I think you probably feel the same.

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 23:18

Would leaving and having my baby with out him on the birth certificate leave me in a better option if he really doesn't want to 'be with me' be a better option? I just don't know what to do and clearly ds and me don't stand anywhere apart from child maintenance

OP posts:
plantsitter · 14/05/2017 23:19

You should probably try to separate the pregnancy issue from the marriage issue. It just complicates things really as you already have a child of his to look after and support. Obviously you need to make a decision about the pregnancy but it doesn't need to be conditional on whether he marries you or not.

The issue is whether or not he is prepared to support you properly and in a secure way as the mother of his child. And if he's not prepared to, don't stay with him.

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 23:19

And yes ds has his surname

OP posts:
Penhacked · 14/05/2017 23:21

I would honestly leave someone who knew I really wanted to get married and he didn't want to. I would read that as 'he doesn't actually love me'. I wouldn't care whether it means something to him or not, it is important to you and therefore it's important.

Original poster
missforever · 14/05/2017 23:21

Notangelina you hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/05/2017 23:22

It's not blackmail. He assured you that you would get married and has now backed out of his agreement.
The reason you are reconsidering having a second child is because he is now refusing to commit or give you any security.
Don't let him twist the truth. I think he is being manipulative, not you.

I hope you get some rest tonight. Perhaps ask to have this moved to Relationships? There are lots of helpful posters on the relationships boards that can give you great support and advice.

Headofthehive55 · 14/05/2017 23:23

I wouldn't have the baby.
You would get child support, and at least it would be your own money!
He wouldn't get his housework done either.
You could work in the time he saw the child and it would be much easier with one than two, so not need to lay as much childcare.

Penhacked · 14/05/2017 23:23

I would also be directly telling his parents that d is refusing to marry you and you hope they can see how hurtful and untenable that is.

viques · 14/05/2017 23:25

A will is no real guarantee of financial security either for you or your children since a new will can be drawn up at any time.

Your only security since he holds all the financial cards would be marriage.

Headofthehive55 · 14/05/2017 23:27

Id drop into conversation
"I'm planning on this child having my surname"
And if he argues just say oh it's not up to you, we aren't married!
The do a
Tinkly little laugh

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/05/2017 23:29

Not having him on the birth certficate wont make any difference to anything really. He will still be the childs father, still liable for financial support and still has the right apply for access.

All it will do is prevent him from automatically having parental rights, but he can easily get those by going to court and asking to be put on the birth certificate, so there really wouldnt be much point in doing it deliberately.

MyOtherProfile · 14/05/2017 23:29

Have you told him clearly and in words of one syllable that while marriage may not matter to him it is extremely important to you?

Squishedstrawberry4 · 14/05/2017 23:34

He said he'd marry you and you had children with this expectation. He has effectively changed his mind now. You both want different things and he's not willing to give you the security you need, despite being the full time carer of his child. You don't feel you can have a second child in such a vulnerable set up. You've been led up the garden path and feel cornered.

I don't think it is blackmail. You had children with him after being told he'd marry you.

notangelinajolie · 14/05/2017 23:43

Not having his name on the birth certificate or giving the new baby his surname might not matter in law or be more or less benefical anywhere else but I think it would be best to be consistent for both your children. It's just my thoughts OP and seems logical to me but I think proper legal advice on this would be a good idea.

Headofthehive55 · 14/05/2017 23:46

Whilst not having his surname name on the cert has no impact it may make him think that he doesn't have the rights he thinks.
You are entitled to call this child your surname. Without his say so.

Jazzywazzydodah · 14/05/2017 23:47

Every on has the right to change their mind - but it's funny that it's usually the bloke when his partner is a couple of kids in, given up work and no money coming in 🤔

He is out of order not letting you have full access to his money by the way. Your not an employee

Headofthehive55 · 14/05/2017 23:49

The threat of using a different surname may be enough to change his mind.

SoulAccount · 14/05/2017 23:52

HeadOfThrHive: the OP hasn't actually changed her name, she just meant he would have been happy enough for her to do it.

She can't change the baby's name without his consent. That has to do with the fact that he is the father, marriage is irrelevant in that case.

Many mothers on MN trying to change their child's surname and an absent feckless father refusing.

SoulAccount · 14/05/2017 23:53

But she can give this new baby any name she likes.

becausebecausebecause · 14/05/2017 23:54

There really ought to be a Mumsnet alert to remind women how few rights they have when they have children out of marriage. Wedlock sounds shit but it does have protection. Why are we so ignorant in this day and age that our kids out of wedlock are so unprotected financially?

becausebecausebecause · 15/05/2017 00:04

And with respect OP, if marriage was important to you, why did you have children with your partner without that legal status? Why not marry first?

AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2017 00:29

Anyone, male or female, has the right to change their minds about marriage at any point. But there's nothing nastier than someone who intentionally lies about their intentions to marry in order to lead someone on to keep them in a relationship. Because that actually removes their independent choice as to whether or not they want to be with that person. Which do you think he is?

As far as terminating, I think you need to get to a Dr ASAP and see if they can determine just how far along you are so you can make an informed decision before you have any discussion about terminating with your 'd'P.

Right now you're basically up shit creek without a paddle. And he certainly isn't going to give you his!! The best thing to do now that you know he will not marry you (and he shouldn't unless he really wants to, shotgun weddings rarely work out) would be to put yourself in the best position you can to become self-supporting. Job skills? Education?