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Original poster

Is it ok for DP to go on holiday without us?

178 replies

gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:23

Will try and make this brief.

DP going to Spain on holiday this week for 4 days with a guy he has known 1.5 years. He booked it a few months ago when we were having a very rough patch.

I am fcked off because:

1 - he is going on holiday without me.
2 - he is going on holiday without our kids aged 3 and 1.
3 - it's his 2nd trip abroad with the same guy in 6 months.
4 - in the past 4 years we have only had 3 nights away on our own (1 night each). Both within 50 miles of where we live.
5 - he thinks he is going to tell our eldest that he is going away for work as he knows our eldest will be upset if he finds out he is away on holiday without him.
6 - I have been away twice in past year for 3 weeks total but this was for work. He says it's the same thing.
7 - I feel really really hurt and upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:25

Sorry 2 nights. We have only been away twice for 1 night each on our own in 4 years.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/04/2017 13:28

He thinks he's a single man, doesn't he? What a waste of space he is, though. First he thinks you working away is the same as his holiday. Then he's planning to lie to a little child just so that he can have a holiday and not take the child.

Do you want to stay with this man?

mainlywingingit · 30/04/2017 13:29

Hmmmmm sound suspicious tbh

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 13:30

I'm on the fence, both my husband and I go on hols with friends without each other, I don't see the fact we are married as preventing that. Do you have friends who you can go with and if so would he look after the kids?

C0untDucku1a · 30/04/2017 13:31

This Rough patch, did you dh move out because he was overwhelmed with fmily life and reaponsibilities?

ecuse · 30/04/2017 13:32

Well. I dont think there's an objective "is it ok" answer. All households are different, and people have different views. but it sounds like this isnt okay for your family because you're not happy with it. so - are you not happy because you want the time/money spent on a family holiday? or because you want it spent on a couples holiday for the two of you? Or because he gets a chance to go away on holiday with a friend and you don't? Or are you just having a bad patch and no solution would make you less irritated? Is this inidcative of a wider attitude of behaving like he has no responsibilities? All those things determine what the 'solution' is.

LardLizard · 30/04/2017 13:34

Could you go on holiday with friends

How are things financially

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:40

He's def not a waste of space. He is great at home and with the kids. Financially we are ok. He works hard and I am currently a SAHM looking after the wee ones.

The rough patch... yes he very nearly moved out.

My issue is I wouldn't go on holiday without him or our kids. If I was going to to abroad on holiday... he and they would be my first choice travellimg companions.

When we were patching things up he asked me if he should cancel his holiday but I never answered because I knew he really wanted to go and so he didn't.

OP posts:
iseenodust · 30/04/2017 13:42

Is it for a specific sport eg deep sea fishing in which you have no interest? In which case i wouldn't be too bothered if you could also take a holiday with your DC and say mum or a group of friends? If he's just off for a week of beach and beer would be furious.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:43

No specific activity. Just a 4 day piss up to be totally frank. In Benidorm.

Sorry for typos in previous comments.

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 30/04/2017 13:43

I don't see it as being a problem tbh, as long as you trust him. I go on holiday with the kids without my DH and have done for years, often without consulting him much. It is due to conflicting work schedules and someone needs to be home to take care of the dogs, cats etc. Sometimes he comes along, sometimes not. He is off abroad on a jolly this weekend leaving me with the kids and elderly mother to look after who just had surgery. Do I mind? Not one bit as I see that he works hard and supports our family as best he can. This works because we have freedom in our relationship to make independent choices outside the marriage. We do talk to each other about the big decisions and feel comfortable to make independent plans.

So, in your case then perhaps your feelings about his holiday plans are not about the holiday per se, and more about the state of the relationship more generally? Perhaps you feel he is a selfish man, or cannot be trusted if he goes away alone? If you make independent plans to holiday with friends, or the kids then you may feel that the balance is more evenly spread in the relationship...and it sends a clear message to him that you are not stopping home while he is out partying the night away.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 13:44

So why are you upset now? He asked and you didn't stop it so why now, that seems unreasonable. In addition the fact you don't want to go away with friends I think it's not fair to then state he can't either becayse you don't want to. I go away with my friends, I'd be horrified if my husband said to me "well I don't want to go with my mates so I don't want you to go with yours" I'd tell him to fuck right off.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:45

I think I am unhappy that he has had more time away abroad with the same 'random' guy... he and I have had no trips abroad on our own.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 13:47

Then can you not organise something for you both? And I don't think he's a random guy, I think he's his friend.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:47

When he asked me about cancelling... he was very tentative and I could see he clearly did not want to cancel.

OP posts:
Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:48

He has known the guy a year and their friendship is as workmates.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 30/04/2017 13:48

What bluntness said. Your relationship sounds claustrophobic. You both deserve time off together and from each other.

BrieAndChilli · 30/04/2017 13:48

If you have a main family holiday and you and him had a weekend away etc it wouldn't be such a big deal.
Me and DH don't go away without each other (apart from things like scout camp/work things) as we don't have loads of spare cash for holidays so if one of us went away for a week then it would probably mean we couldn't afford a smoky holiday as well so we prioritise going away as a family.

yetmorecrap · 30/04/2017 13:48

I went with just 18 year old son for 4 days in Benidorm last year, had s fab time, it isn't husbands 'kind of thing' so we went anyway!!

Huskylover1 · 30/04/2017 13:50

I had 2 thoughts on reading this:

  1. He's gay and living a double life
  1. He and his mate are going on a pulling holiday.
Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:51

Well that's the thing. There has been no prioritising of a family holiday. We have nothing booked for this year for us or all of us. It is always a struggle trying to get him to take a long weekend off work for family time at home. But he thought nothing of booking this.

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 30/04/2017 13:51

Depends if he is really going with the mate. . And depending on the mate's relationship circumstances. . .
Single lads holiday??

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:51

I wouldn't be feeling as bad about this if he made the same efforts for him and I.

OP posts:
Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:53

His mate has been married for a year or two.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 13:54

Then talk to him and say you slso want something booked up.

To be honest, I think you're still going through a rough patch, your marriage doesn't sound healthy at all.