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Original poster

Is it ok for DP to go on holiday without us?

178 replies

gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:23

Will try and make this brief.

DP going to Spain on holiday this week for 4 days with a guy he has known 1.5 years. He booked it a few months ago when we were having a very rough patch.

I am fcked off because:

1 - he is going on holiday without me.
2 - he is going on holiday without our kids aged 3 and 1.
3 - it's his 2nd trip abroad with the same guy in 6 months.
4 - in the past 4 years we have only had 3 nights away on our own (1 night each). Both within 50 miles of where we live.
5 - he thinks he is going to tell our eldest that he is going away for work as he knows our eldest will be upset if he finds out he is away on holiday without him.
6 - I have been away twice in past year for 3 weeks total but this was for work. He says it's the same thing.
7 - I feel really really hurt and upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jux · 30/04/2017 15:29

He obviously doesn't think it's OK himself though, does he?

If he really thought it was OK then he'd not feel the need to lie to your chidren, and he wouldn't be forcing you into a position where you have to lie to them on his behalf, would he?

This alone is enough to tell you that, no, it isn't OK. Even he doesn't think it is.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 15:30

I understand all the comments that have been made in favour/support of my DP....... so why do I feel so upset and hurt about it? I am not by any stretch of the imagination a limiting or grudging person?

The trip 6 mths ago was a stag do...... he did not know 1 person out of the 30 strong group other than this friend/workmate.

This time, him and his workmate are going to Benidorm with two other guys he has never even met.

Is it me?????

OP posts:
happypoobum · 30/04/2017 15:31

OK, well I wouldn't lie to the DC about it for a start.

I think you should make it clear that before he goes he needs to give you dates when you can book a holiday for all of you to go away.

I wouldn't mind at all if my partner was going for a break without me, but I would be worried sick if I thought they might be using drugs, and potentially caught transporting drugs in/out of the country. He sounds rather immature to me.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2017 15:35

I would have a problem with it, yes.

Are you able/going to have a family holiday too?
If not why not?

Idoidoidoidoido · 30/04/2017 15:43

Lots of drinking. Going out to bars. Living the single life.

I'm not saying he will, but there's a high profitability this holiday with result in him having sex with another woman. A one drunken, one-night stand, if nothing else.
It's Benidorm. Full of single men and women (and some not so single) all out for a good time and a lot will be on the pull.
You will likely never find out.

How do you feel about that?

Idoidoidoidoido · 30/04/2017 15:44

probability not profitability.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 30/04/2017 15:47

I've been on holiday without DH a few times - with my parents and sister, and my parents friends - when DS was younger and it wasn't the sort of holiday he could go on (Christmas markets in Germany during the week). I wouldn't mind DH going away with friends or family but not at the expense of a family holiday iyswim. So if we hadn't had a family holiday that year, I wouldn't want either of us going away without the other or DS. If we had been away then I wouldn't mind at all.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2017 15:53

I'd have a massive problem and actually can't imagine either of them would be faithful during the holiday, either. I think you can judge someone by the company they keep - that friend sounds bloody awful.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 16:01

Your posts are all mixed up op, first it's he's some random, then it's you don't want to go away with friends yourself you want to be with him, then it's you could go away with friends but don't want to leave the kids, then it's because you and him aren't going away, then it's his mate is a bad influence, I think fundamentally you don't want him to go, and whether you wish to go or not, hols together or not, it's all irrelevant, you just don't want him to go.

And that's fine. Plenty don't mind their partners going, plenty do. You're one who does. Your relationship is clearly not stable as it is and not healthy, you can't force people to live the way you chose, and you will simply force resentment by forcing him to cancel as you also feel resentment becayse he wishes to go.

Eiither way it seems you are not compatible, and I'd sit down and have a dicusssion on what you wish from your relationship. If you do not wish the same things it would be kinder for you both to end it. What you have now is not sustainable. I'm sorry. Sit down together and talk about your future and your expectations of a relationship.

user1471548375 · 30/04/2017 16:02

So from the advice here the only reasons people gp on holiday without their families are because they're gay, because they want to cheat, because the like golf/deep sea fishing or because they're being spiteful?

Tbh OP, I think you're taking the decision to book it a bit personally, and it's really unfair to blame him for not cancelling when he asked you if he should and you didn't speak up.

You probably both need to have a talk about why you're feeling like this, but time apart is healthy (just as time together is) - get some dates for a family holiday and get something booked - personally I'd be getting dates where you could go somewhere with friends etc. too, but if you don't want to leave the kids that's also fine (but not something DH should be penalised for)

C0untDucku1a · 30/04/2017 16:06

He sounds like a manchild op. Two lads holidays in six months at the detriment of family holidays. Not wanting to take time off for family reasons. He was 'confused' after the birth of your child. He booked a holiday out of spite. What was he being spiteful over?

He sounds like he doesnt want to be a responsible adult.

Id calmly insist on a summer family holiday. If he can't afford that then add selfish to man-child.

For perspective. I go away for two seperate weeks a Year with my children without dh as i get much more holiday. I do a girls weekend spa / drinks once a year. This year im doing two in August. No issues from dh. Dh does occasionally go to a festival with the lads. No issues from me. He used to go away for a week snowboarding prekids and is plnning to start that up again soon. Again no issues from me. But if we couldnt have a family holiday because he had booked two lads holidays, tht would be differwnt and he would be dealing with my angry face

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/04/2017 16:13

The problem is that his mindset is still 'fuck her'.

You were fine with the trip 6 months ago. But he's off again. He's going on a 'lads break' booked out of spite. He's not going for a quiet few days away with a mate, he's going to a party place where people go to drink & shag.

IF he was serious about you & working on your relationship, he would have cancelled this trip, because he wanted to, not because you made him. He shouldn't have asked if YOU wanted him to cancel it.

It's not about holidays, it's about the fact that you still have the same problem as you've had all along. It's HIM, it's not his parents, it's not his mate...it's HIM not acting like an adult who loves & respects his partner or children.

What you do about that is up to you. I'd make his parents day and tell them to come & get his stuff while he's away.

For the hard of thinking, it's not about a few days away with a mate.

Jengnr · 30/04/2017 16:19

I wouldn't have a problem with the holiday provided I got the same luxury and there was a family holidaytoo.

This year I'm away with just the kids, then family holiday, then he is away with his mate then I'm away with mine.

The family holiday is the priority though, the rest are if we can afford it.

SandyY2K · 30/04/2017 16:20

I sometimes go away on my own (ladies trips) and so does my DH. Although it's usually long weekends, maximum 5 nights .

That's in addition to us going away as a family, so it's well balanced. I don't have an issue with it.

If he only went on his own with no plans for a family holiday, I wouldn't be impressed.

rookiemere · 30/04/2017 16:33

Don't start doubting yourself OP.

I think it's absolutely fine for partners (particularly with DCs) to have the odd trip away with friends, provided that it's not to the detriment
of family holidays or the family unit.

That doesn't appear to be the case here. His pal sounds like a right dodgy character and not someone I'd be happy for my DH to hang out with ( sue me if that makes me sound controlling). Going away purely for the purposes of getting drunk and doing drugs seems deeply dodgy (views DH's interminable mountain climbing trips with his equally exciting friends in new light).

There's also nothing wrong with you if you don't want to go away with friends. Don't feel you have to force yourself to do it. Some people just don't enjoy it.

It's deeply sad that your DS is desperate to go on a family holiday to somewhere warm with a beach so he can splash in the sea and make sandcastles and your H is so selfish that he's decided to go to exactly that location with his mate and not his family, oh and then lie about it to cover his tracks.

Like I said above I'd insist on a family holiday of at least a week this year and if he can't or won't commit to that, I'd be reconsidering if your partnership is worth maintaining.

GlitteryFluff · 30/04/2017 16:36

Can you afford it?
Can you book a 4 day break away aswell?
Can you both sit down and plan in a properly family holiday aswell? If you can't then it's not ok.

GlitteryFluff · 30/04/2017 16:37

do you know he's definitely going with this mate ?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2017 16:47

Going away twice with the same guy he's known for only a year and a half? I'd be highly suspicious. I think they might be lovers. The friend being married is irrelevant.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2017 16:48

Glittery, excellent question.

SunnyCoco · 30/04/2017 16:51

I agree with MaQueen

I don't see a problem with someone having a few nights away to let their hair down
If you can do likewise, but choose not to, that's not really his fault?

We haven't been away as a family for over two years but I've had three overseas trips with girlfriends during that time
It's never been a problem for me or my husband; he's done some stuff with his buddies too. I suggest you Work on building your own social circle a little bit?

Hope you Work things out

PaintingByNumbers · 30/04/2017 17:00

op, honestly, its quite normal for a sahm with a one year old and three year old to neither want to go away without kids or partner, nor to have other pals who all want to go away on girls holidays. its some peoples thing, it isnt others, or it could be your thing in a few years when kids are older and you have more time to yourself.
pretty much everyone I know focuses on family holiday first, esp with kids that age, then perhaps a couples weekend away to reconnect as partners not parents.

MaQueen · 30/04/2017 17:27

"Despite what MNers would have you think, there's no sensible, worthwhile reason for a married man to go away without his family. If he's off with the same mate for some relaxation together, there's a reason."

Dear Lord...did I actually really just read that Hmm

MaQueen · 30/04/2017 17:35

OP - if money isn't a problem, why haven't you had a family holiday recently? Why haven't you booked something? Or are you playing a silly PA game, wanting him to book something to prove that he wants to go away as a family...?

If I left booking a family holiday to DH we'd not have gone away since 2003...

You say you feel your children are too young for you to leave for a few days while you went away with girlfriends, yes? Why? I assume your DH is a good Dad, and will take care of them properly? Your DCs are so little they won't even remember that you went away.

I think you just don't like the thought of your DH enjoying himself without you. So, his friend is a bit wild...? Presumably your DH is a grown adult, perfectly capable of looking after himself?

I know of too many marriages where one partner tries to control the other under the guise of 'but we're a family now'. They are not happy marriages.

rookiemere · 30/04/2017 17:55

Maqueen - the reason a family holiday has not been booked is because the OP cannot get her H to agree to take the time off work:
^There has been no prioritising of a family holiday. We have nothing booked for this year for us or all of us. It is always a struggle trying to get him to take a long weekend off work for family time at home. But he thought nothing of booking this.^

If you're suggesting that she goes ahead and books without agreed dates, then that would also make her seem rather controlling. Seems that the OP can't actually win.

Idoidoidoidoido · 30/04/2017 18:39

can't imagine either of them would be faithful during the holiday, either.

Exactly.
Never understand these women that say ''I trust my OH. He would never cheat'''.

BS.
Opportunity + Circumstance + Location + Probabilility of OH never finding out = Perfect opportunity for a bit of holiday hanky panky.

Anybody thinking otherwise is very naive.