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Original poster

Is it ok for DP to go on holiday without us?

178 replies

gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:23

Will try and make this brief.

DP going to Spain on holiday this week for 4 days with a guy he has known 1.5 years. He booked it a few months ago when we were having a very rough patch.

I am fcked off because:

1 - he is going on holiday without me.
2 - he is going on holiday without our kids aged 3 and 1.
3 - it's his 2nd trip abroad with the same guy in 6 months.
4 - in the past 4 years we have only had 3 nights away on our own (1 night each). Both within 50 miles of where we live.
5 - he thinks he is going to tell our eldest that he is going away for work as he knows our eldest will be upset if he finds out he is away on holiday without him.
6 - I have been away twice in past year for 3 weeks total but this was for work. He says it's the same thing.
7 - I feel really really hurt and upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/05/2017 08:06

Has he engineered this row to give himself "permission" to shag around on the trip??

I'm sorry to hear all of this OP.

Jux that is a great post.

MirriMazDuur · 01/05/2017 08:11

He really isn't a good man. No good person would tell someone they're going to leave them on their own with two children for them to have a breakdown. Even in anger. Buying someone flowers is an empty gesture, it means nothing.

CPtart · 01/05/2017 08:49

If he really is worried you won't cope with two DC on your own, then of course he'll be making arrangements to have them half the time himself won't he? Hmm

squishee · 01/05/2017 09:18

Fathers who are "good with the kids" don't treat the mother of their children this way.

MirriMazDuur · 01/05/2017 09:39

Yes. How good would it be for the kids for him to leave you with them alone to get on with it?

I've argued with my DH before and we've discussed splitting up, but he's never threatened to abandon DD. Thoughts like that would never cross his mind.

Nanny0gg · 01/05/2017 11:57

He isn't a bad person.

I would disagree.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2017 12:05

He isn't a good man

loveyoutothemoon · 01/05/2017 12:22

How old is he? He sounds 18-25, but then some 'men' his age act a lot better than he does.

Hope you're OK. Flowers

MaQueen · 01/05/2017 16:01

Well, it's up to you gilly, but I wouldn't act in haste, while tempers are so high.

You say, that overall he is a good man, and a good father. I'm not going to question that. It is entirely possible to have a filthy row, say really hurtful stuff to each other, but for you both to be basically decent (and normal) people.

It's only on MN that so many couples are endlessly respectful and diffident to each other, 24/7. In reality, people are human and can be incredibly stubborn, or hurtful, or cowardly, or thoughtless at times. But, they can also be kind, humble or brave, too.

I would suggest to your OH that you both have a good think about what you want out of this relationship while you have this time apart. Then suggest that you have a good heart to heart when he gets back (and tempers will have cooled).

AnyFucker · 01/05/2017 16:16

I wonder if he will use a "cooling off period" to have a Jeremy Kyle style "break" ie. green card to shag about

Seems like he has form for engineering situations where he comes out getting his own way

Op, I think you would be foolish to take him back under these circumstances once he has had his holiday and comes back around with flowers or other such shit. Personally, it would be Benidorm or permanent split...his choice. Don't be taken fot a mug.

MaQueen · 01/05/2017 16:34

I know what you're saying AF, but frankly I am not a fan of angry ultimatums. If DH issued one to me I would feel duty bound to defy it, out of sheer bloody mindedness. Yet, I love the very bones of the man.

It just sounds to me like there has been a lot of bad feeling between them, these last few months, and I think no sex life, yes? Yes, he has acted like a twonk, but I strongly suspect that gilly hasn't been a saint either...?

Maybe this is the death knell for them. Or it could be a chance for them to assess what they both want out of the relationship, and whether they want/need similar things.

Staying together might not = happy ending. But splitting up might not = happy ending either. Have seen too many friends end up alone, and their lives aren't like a Catherine Alliot novel where, newly single, they are romanced by the local sex-heh vet and renovate a pretty little cottage together.

They're alone, and it is very hard. And, looking back with calm hindsight, they regret what they gave up (there was no infidelity involved).

SuperFlyHigh · 01/05/2017 16:37

I'd wonder if they were gay (even if he is married) or bi-sexual or if they're having fun leering/going after other women.

SuperFlyHigh · 01/05/2017 16:44

Ooh sorry OP that it's come to this.

To be quite honest I'd worry that he couldn't put you and your DC first rather than his new "mate" in terms of a holiday and why does he feel the need to lie to his DS about the holiday.

Sounds as if you're best apart.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2017 16:48

I would rather be alone than forced to swallow such disrespect for the sake of hanging on to a relationship

I physically would not be able to keep my mouth shut. Benidorm or bust, mate. Your choice. No anger required...just clear and unequivocal boundaries.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/05/2017 21:52

He doesn't see you and your dc as his "family" as he still prioritizes his family of origin. There is not much emotional maturity or emotional intelligence there at all. Nothing came of the casual engagement because that would make things a little too real for him...yet he has no trouble doing the deep discount regarding the existence of two children. Angry

His family have put you down and he sides with them. He is a blind weakling.

The "f+ck you" gesture is childish. That he hangs into it and treasures it speaks volumes about his choice of focus on his self serving entertainment. Shallow shallow bloke (Can't call him a man).

When he has two small children, yet he still volunteers to be in the presence of drug users (whether or not he is using himself) is just stupid. Stupid!

Let him go. The emotional connection is already broken, if it ever existed in the first place. The financial aspect can be stressful, but with the advice already given- you will be ok. It won't take long to absolutely thrive. You may believe that your financial security lies with him...But it does not. Presently just from not being married to him leaves you in financial risk. But from the parade of Monumentally Stupid Decisions already produced by this bloke, who knows what bat shit crazy circumstances would be in store for your future?

He is not a keeper. I agree that the argument/breakup is to green light sex for his gratification. Therefore, please, no make up sex on his return- no matter what he says, it will just be lip service with a validation stamp to play that script again and again.

It would serve him right to have his stuff moved to his mummy's for his return. I am with AF, it is trip=break up.

Sorry you are going through this. And I'm Angry on your behalf that he walked out on you shortly after giving birth to dc2. He is truly a bloke of no character.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 03/05/2017 10:41

Wow. He made the choice NOT to go. Did not expect that.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/05/2017 10:51

That's going to cause him so much resentment. I see why he's done it as the relarionship was over if he didn't.

I've no clue why you didn't sit down and talk about your relationship as per the threads advice In terms of sorting a trip out for you and him.

If my husband had forced this where the relationship was over if I didn't go, I'd not go, but it would probably mean the relationship simply limped on a little longer before it eventually died.

Sorry op, I'd think about this carefully.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/05/2017 11:37

Wow indeed gilly
So what now for you?
Is he willing to put you and the DC first from now on?
Will he booking a weekend away for you 2 to have some couples time, reconnecting?
I'm not sure if I'm happy for you or not that he has chosen not to go.
It would make a split from this dipshit far easier if he just went.
But.... he might just turn out to be the bestest hubby in the world!!
But I doubt it.
Really work out what YOU want from all of this now.
Take back some of your power and control now.
I hope it all works out for you.

PushingThru · 03/05/2017 13:35

"He's gay and living a double life"

I've just laughed out loud at this - so daft!

ProseccoBitch · 03/05/2017 13:36

YANBU. I wouldn't be happy with this.

Jux · 03/05/2017 14:19

Yes, that was unexpected, but it is not the end of it, I'm afraid.

Don't let him use it against you. If he is resentful (likely) stop it in its tracks. Don't let him think that this is your fault.

Are you going to ask him to leave anyway, while you each consider your options (while you get a chance to see if he's actually had an epiphany, or is just going to be sulky and resentful over it and blame you)?

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 04/05/2017 23:01

He has been very gracious about the whole thing albeit he has looked somewhat disapppointed since yesterday.

OP posts:
Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 04/05/2017 23:03

He actually took his pal to the airport early this morning and he did seem pretty gutted. I am finding it all really strange. My DP doesn't really have many (any) close friendships male or female and yet I feel as if there is a 3rd party in our relationship. I have never felt or experienced this before.

OP posts:
Quickieat2 · 05/05/2017 06:31

Personally I think he should have gone and made arrangements for you all to have a family holiday together later in the year. Not necessarily abroad.

MirriMazDuur · 05/05/2017 07:09

So his friend went on his own?