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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok for DP to go on holiday without us?

178 replies

gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:23

Will try and make this brief.

DP going to Spain on holiday this week for 4 days with a guy he has known 1.5 years. He booked it a few months ago when we were having a very rough patch.

I am fcked off because:

1 - he is going on holiday without me.
2 - he is going on holiday without our kids aged 3 and 1.
3 - it's his 2nd trip abroad with the same guy in 6 months.
4 - in the past 4 years we have only had 3 nights away on our own (1 night each). Both within 50 miles of where we live.
5 - he thinks he is going to tell our eldest that he is going away for work as he knows our eldest will be upset if he finds out he is away on holiday without him.
6 - I have been away twice in past year for 3 weeks total but this was for work. He says it's the same thing.
7 - I feel really really hurt and upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MaQueen · 30/04/2017 23:10

I'm sorry to hear that gilly.

For what it's worth, I don't think either of you are wrong as such...but, I do think the happiest relationships are when you both have the same expectations of the relationship. Obviously, there needs to be a bit of compromising, but you really shouldn't need to compromise all that much.

2rebecca · 30/04/2017 23:44

Are you married? If not married does he feel not that committed to you especially if on off relationship. Are all the kids his?
If your relationship is on and off as it sounds like it is it sounds as though he doesn't think of you as a family unit.
My husband and I have some holidays apart but we discuss those and are still married with joint accounts and no on offness.
Why don't you book holidays with kids and/or him? I've just booked our next holiday. Are you financially dependent on him?

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 01/05/2017 00:50

We aren't married. Although we did get engaged (his idea) last year, I have no idea why. Both my children are his.

We've had a blinder of an argument tonight... really ugly. I can't see us getting past this one. Final nail in the coffin. No I don't think he has ever seen us a family unit. All of our difficulties surrounded the fact that he saw his family as his parents etc rather than him and me and our kids.

I am currently financially dependent on him because I am at home looking after the kids just now while they are small.

I don't suppose there is anything left to say. A lot of what has been said here has given me food for thought... good and bad I'm sorry to say. It looks like I will be facing the future now as a single parent. He is adamant he is going to Benidorm this week come hell or high water and I very much feel that he will be coming back to nothing when he returns. Going away twice with his friend\workmate has certainly been more important this last year than him and I/family. He isn't a bad person. But clearly we aren't right for one another. Our poor kids.

OP posts:
SuiteHarmony · 01/05/2017 01:04

That is so sad, op. I totally got where you were coming from, and I am sorry he did not put in the effort to rebuild your relationship.

letsmargaritatime · 01/05/2017 01:22

If he is determined to go, come what may, despite the issues you are facing at the moment and the age of your kids he's a prick.

Seek legal advice while he isn't there so you know your position at least Flowers

Atenco · 01/05/2017 03:35

Just read this, OP, and I am so sorry about the outcome. You will survive, as many of us have done before but that is really shit.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 01/05/2017 05:49

I am devastated. Actions speak louder than words don't they...

OP posts:
flumpybear · 01/05/2017 06:31

Why don't you calmly sit down and talk. Tell him you want a couple weekend to reconnect when he's back. It sounds like he's going away and that's that so just makes be on, tell him you need time away with him and just plan it.
Don't chuck it all away - turn your own head around, deal with it and move onwards together
It's better than splitting up and being a single parent, and putting your children through a break up

Jux · 01/05/2017 06:42

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that, gillybean. Do you mind my asking what happened?

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 06:54

He sounds like a Manchild
Sorry Op

Quickieat2 · 01/05/2017 07:02

I think it's fine to have holidays with friends but only if he's having family holidays too.

It's poor form to have no family holidays and just holiday with friends.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 01/05/2017 07:04

He was asking me why had I been off with him all weekend and I said well what did he expect when this week eventually came? That I was hurt and upset and that it was a painful reminder of when he was in the mindset of 'fck her' . And why was he going away with the same friend again to a party place where people go to drink and shag? He said I was being pathetic and it escalated from there. A lot of hurtful nasty things were said on both sides.

OP posts:
Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 01/05/2017 07:06

It's the final nail. 5 years and 2 children. Our relationship is over. There is zero respect.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 07:08

He rather holiday with his new buddy over his family. He's comfortable with lying to his DC about this

You have different values. I'd be surprised if this doesn't surface in other ways also.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 01/05/2017 07:20

He seemed to back pedal on that one and obv decided to tell our little boy that he was going on a 'break with his friend'. Little one said he wanted to go to and he said that he couldn't as it was 'already arranged'. He told me that all I do is moan and does anyone actually want me? Says he can never do anything right. I told him if he had actually put as much energy into me as he did his friend, we might have had a sex life latterly. He said he wasn't bothered anymore. All very ugly. He told me he was leaving me to get on with it with the kids on my own and that I wouldn't cope on my own with them and would have a breakdown the first week. I told him he was a selfish prick. He told me he was going on his trip and that was it. Just nasty escalated shit. I can't believe I am in this situation with a 3yo and a 1yo.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 07:25

He sounds utterly vile
Obviously defensive, as he will be going to effing 'Benidorm' and wild horses won't stop him.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 01/05/2017 07:29

He is actually a good man. Good at home and good with the kids. Not me though. But then again he did give me flowers the other morning 'to put a smile on my face'. I'm a bit confused. And broken.

OP posts:
TinyDancer69 · 01/05/2017 07:31

What a horrible man OP. Bailing on his tiny babies and going on holiday with a friend at atime like this! Why on earth did he have not one but two kids with you if he didn't see you as a family unit? Prick.

I'm afraid his response to your reaction about the holiday has gaslighting written all over it. He was hell-bent on going on this holiday.

He will have to pay maintenance for his two children. What's your house situation?

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 01/05/2017 07:34

He was and is hell bent on it. We privately rent. Joint lease. This is an awful nightmare.

OP posts:
TinyDancer69 · 01/05/2017 07:41

Ok so given you're a SAHM he will have to cover that until end of lease and he can move in with his parents. Meantime you need to talk to CAB to understand what you are entitled to as a single parent without a job. Other wiser MNs will be along with better advice. I'm sorry this is happening to you OP you will get through this. Flowers

Jux · 01/05/2017 07:47

Oh I'm so sorry, lovely one.

You'll manage perfectly well without him; believe that because what he said is instantly dismissable bullshit. He said it to hurt you, to unbalance you and to disconsert you.

You are now meant to run after him, begging forgiveness for your folly and pleading with him not to abandon you.

Don't.

Find a solicitor.
Contact the CMS.
Contact Tax Credit people.
Talk to CAB.

Get copies of all the financial documents you can find, bank statments, payslips, investments, yada yada.

Hide the passports and birth and marriage certificates, you never know you might need them.

Being practical and focussing on keeping things as normal as possible for you and the children will help you get through the first bit of this when you are probably shell shocked and bewildered.

Do something nice for yourself every day - have a favourite coffee in a favourite place, eat a square (or two Wink) of chocolate (I'd make it three, but I'm fat and self-indulgent!), take a half hour to read a magazine yo like -just a small thing that you can look forward to every day.

Some people have found that getting new bedding helps a lot, especially if it's somethng they like but he wouldn't have.

Some people move furniture around a bit, or paint a wall a different colour. Smallish things which make the place feel a bit different and brings some 'new beginning-fresh hope' symbolism into the every day.

Allow yourself to be human. It will be hard at first and there'll be a merry-go-round of emotion hittting you. You will find a way through it, and you will create a new normal for yourself and your children.

Be strong. He has rejected family life, but this is NOT your fault, nor your responsibility, it is his failing.

Do not allow people to lay this on you.
You have nothing to be ashamed about.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
That all falls on him. That's his burden and make no bones about telling people so, if they seem to think it is your failing. IT IS NOT.

You will be all right.
Your children will be all right.

famousfour · 01/05/2017 07:56

Oh dear I'm sorry - sounds like there is a lot more going on than this holiday. Flowers

Fwiw to answer your original question, my DH and I are pretty relaxed about time apart but that is because both of us absolutely prioritise our time together as a family both in terms of time and money. I would be extremely upset if DH made neither to time nor effort for, nor had any interest in a family holiday. But happily frolicked off with his mates. Those posters saying to just book a family holiday yourself are rather missing the point in my view.

If you do end up having a further conversation with your partner perhaps it's worth trying to get him to see again that it's not about you thinking he shouldn't ever want to go away without his family or you, but about priorities. If he understands this but just can't be arsed - I'm sorry but doesn't seem good. Sorry you are having a hard time.

HorraceTheOtter · 01/05/2017 07:59

I go away for the weekend to visit people or piss about in peace on my own. DH goes away 4 times a year for a long weekend with friends (shared hobby which has gone on for 30 years, one in which I have no interest at all ). Going on a piss up holiday feels different though. If everything had been going well I'd have no issues with it, after a rough patch is think it's a bit shit though.

HorraceTheOtter · 01/05/2017 08:00

Ah, should have read the thread. He's not a good man OP, he's a fucking twat.

ProphetOfDoom · 01/05/2017 08:02

People posting about separate holidays is rather missing the point unless their partner too goes to Benidorm with a drug taking mate rather than going on a family holidays.

Him running you down, telling you you'll have a breakdown without him?! He gets to go on holiday but you/the dcs don't? Left you in the lurch when having your second child because his parents don't like you? He doesn't want sex with you?

He sounds a weak & entitled man belittling you to make himself feel stronger. Get some RL support from family and friends OP. Good advice about finding out exactly what you're entitled to as a single parent - help with rent, tax credits, single person discount on council tax, water/gas/electricity providers do schemes for those in receipt of benefit/with young children etc - so he can't use the fear of that to control you. Knowledge is power. And then you can make choices about what you want.