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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok for DP to go on holiday without us?

178 replies

gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:23

Will try and make this brief.

DP going to Spain on holiday this week for 4 days with a guy he has known 1.5 years. He booked it a few months ago when we were having a very rough patch.

I am fcked off because:

1 - he is going on holiday without me.
2 - he is going on holiday without our kids aged 3 and 1.
3 - it's his 2nd trip abroad with the same guy in 6 months.
4 - in the past 4 years we have only had 3 nights away on our own (1 night each). Both within 50 miles of where we live.
5 - he thinks he is going to tell our eldest that he is going away for work as he knows our eldest will be upset if he finds out he is away on holiday without him.
6 - I have been away twice in past year for 3 weeks total but this was for work. He says it's the same thing.
7 - I feel really really hurt and upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/04/2017 13:56

I think the backstory about why things were so bad that he nearly moved out is quite important. It's fine if you don't want to share, but I think it would alter the replies.

MrsJayy · 30/04/2017 14:00

Holidays away fine prioritising them over his family and their holiday is not he is being a selfish inconsiderate arse op and no it isn't ok

VerySadInside · 30/04/2017 14:02

You are still separate people and allowed to go away with friends. Just because you don't want to doesn't mean he shouldn't.

Him going away with a friend is a completely separate issue to him not going away with you. If you want a holiday then book one.

Astro55 · 30/04/2017 14:08

Why don't you

Book 4 days with a friend
Book a family holiday
Book a trip just you and the kids

Also fair

loveyoutothemoon · 30/04/2017 14:09

He probably booked it out of spite when you were going through a rough patch and felt bad afterwards so that's why he suggested cancelling it.

MadeForThis · 30/04/2017 14:10

A bit of brokeback mountain??

Seriously tho, if you trust him to be faithful then a few days away if fine.

Just tell him that you are booking a family holiday and he has to go.

rookiemere · 30/04/2017 14:10

DH and I go away on separate trips from time to time - reason being that DS and I not overly keen on overnight mountain trips and I enjoy short ski trips and city breaks with my friends.

However I'd be a bit unimpressed by this.

Firstly there is zero way that a work trip - which is presumably funded by your work - is in any way the same as a mates holiday away.

Secondly, two foreign trips in 6 months when you haven't been away as a family is selfish by pretty much anyone's standard except some weird mumsnetters who seem to think that you can be a parent, whoops sorry Dad, and still do what the heck you want.

There's acceptable selfishness, I get a little hurt that DH puts so much effort into planning his camping trips and wish he'd put even a tiny percentage of that into planning trips away for us, but generally he is a good DF and DH so I just try to remember that these are exciting to him.

What would happen if you said you wanted to book a family holiday?

LardLizard · 30/04/2017 14:10

I agree wth Astro

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 14:12

Our rough patch was due to difficulties with his parents. They basically don't like me and tried to break us up days from the birth of our second child. He was confused and wasn't there for me. It's taken me a long time to get over it and it crops up now and again still.

OP posts:
Hellobye · 30/04/2017 14:14

Benidorm with a mate? No I wouldn't be impressed either.

BackforGood · 30/04/2017 14:15

As other posters have said, there is no right or wrong about individuals going away for a few days with a mate. It's down to what works for the two of you in your relationship.
If money is tight and him doing this prevents you going, then it can't be good.
If annual leave is limited and him doing this prevents you all going away then that isn't good.
However just because it isn't something you want to do, doesn't mean it is wrong for him to do.
It is all slightly different too, as this was all sorted when it looked like you weren't together, and he offered to cancel when you patched things up, but you didn't take him up on it.
Why have you not ever booked a few days away as a family ? Money? Annual Leave? Not getting round to it? Not important to you ? That all makes a difference.
I'm quite happy for dh to go away for weekends without me, but that doesn't make it right for another couple necessarily, it's about talking together about priorities.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 14:15

It largely was booked out of spite. And now that this week has finally arrived (he booked it 3 mths ago) it's a sore reminder of back then when he had the mindset of 'fck her'.

OP posts:
LardLizard · 30/04/2017 14:23

Why don't you just book
Something for you and him and the children ?

Why don't you just take the initiative and book it xxx

rookiemere · 30/04/2017 14:24

Well I can sort of see why he wouldn't want to cancel it now it's booked - presumably he'd lose the flight cost, and be letting his friend down.

What's your relationship like now? Would it be possible for him to organise a trip away for just the two of you? What about a family holiday - can you afford to go away on one?

Oly5 · 30/04/2017 14:26

I go away with friends, my DH does too. It's great!
When you say you wouldn't go away without him or the kids, well I think that's a bit sad really. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to go away without you.
But the issue of him not arranging a family holiday with you all is different. I'd say "I'm happy for you to go but I also want us to book a family holiday"

katronfon · 30/04/2017 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaQueen · 30/04/2017 14:27

"My issue is I wouldn't go on holiday without him or our kids. If I was going to to abroad on holiday... he and they would be my first choice travelling companions."

Hmmmm, well you see I think that's really your problem, not his. I luffs DH and our DDs loads, but sometimes I am very happy to not be with them, and do something on my own/with friends.

DH has always gone away for a few days, here and there, with his mates (usually involving a lot of golf - yawn). I've never had a problem with it, as he works bleddy hard and luffs his golf.

Conversely, he's never had a problem with me spending any time away from the family home (he gets to watch crappy TV and sleep on the sofa, which is a bit like camping for him).

The fact your DH has made a new friend, and organises to do stuff with him isn't wrong. It's good and healthy to have other interests and friends outside of your marriage FGS.

I will never get these marriages where the couple have to do everything together, all the time. I would hate that, too stifling by far plus, it's usually because they don't actually have any other friends

Sounds to me like you need to improve your social circle OH + organise a nice holiday for you as a family.

You need to stop all this passive/aggressive sulking, resentment and 'Woe is me attitude' as it's not going to help matters at all, and down that path only lies misery and bitterness.

ginsparkles · 30/04/2017 14:27

This wouldn't bother me. My husband goes for lads trips several times a year. I guess the difference is that he has always done these holidays, and I don't have any issue with it.

I don't have holidays without him and our daughter but that's because I don't want to. I know if I wanted to he would support me.

yetmorecrap · 30/04/2017 14:29

I think the thing that would get me most is lack of family holidays, but going with a mate all fine and dandy! Thing is I've had both as have many on here but certainly not ones with friend or son 'instead of' family one

katronfon · 30/04/2017 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy · 30/04/2017 14:33

He sounds petty book somewhere go away with your kids maybe take a frienddont give this trip any more of your emotional energy he isn't going to cancel it sounds like he doesn't care that much you are upset and bugger work trips being the same

MaQueen · 30/04/2017 14:33

Oh, I see that you are okay for money, so really don't understand why you haven't organised a family holiday too??? Or haven't arranged a girls' weekend away for yourself???

Lunde · 30/04/2017 14:35

While many pps have latched onto the issue of there being nothing wrong with wanting to go away with a mate now and again - I do not agree that it should be at the expense of a family holiday that seems to be the case here.

I think the issue is that he prioritizes trips abroad with his mate where they can act like single guys yet at the same time refuses to prioritize booking time off work for a family holiday. Also this trip is clearly a strong reminder of your problems earlier in the year. I would be upset if DH spent family money on going away twice in 6 months with a mate while refusing a family trip

I would make it clear that if he is going to stay in cannot remain in this semi-detached pattern when it comes to holidays and needs to spend some holiday time with his family - especially now the kids are getting older and will notice the imbalance. He needs to behave like a family man and have a family holiday as well as "mates' trips",

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 14:38

You do sound a bit controlling to be honest, you don't even wish to recognise his friendship, starting off by calling him a "random" then when pushed grudgingly moving it to "workmate" when clearly they are more than that they are good friends. Any man posting on here about his wife's friend in the same manner would have got slaughtered for trying to control her and isolate her.

Do you have any friends op? Do you need to widen your social circle so you are not so solely focused on your husband and his social life like this ? You sound like youre jealous of the friend which isn't healthy.

rookiemere · 30/04/2017 14:47

Actually thinking about it, the bit that would annoy me most is him wanting to lie to his DS about it.

That shows he knows he is taking the p**s and I would refuse to collude in this stupid charade.

I think it's fine for OP not to be overly keen on the friend.
It doesn't sound like he's a friend to the marriage, or indeed a good role model - unusual for a bloke recently married without DCs to want to go on two foreign holidays without his DW.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's fine and dandy for people to have holidays without their significant others - particularly when you have DCs and not everything works as a family, but ultimately the family has to be somewhere in the pecking order.

OP you were clearly working before so if I were you I'd try to pick up some work again so you're not so financially dependent. I'd also tell your DH that you are going on a family holiday for at least a week at some point this year - if he can't make that happen for his DCs when he can for his mate then personally I wouldn't want to stay married to him.