Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok for DP to go on holiday without us?

178 replies

gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:23

Will try and make this brief.

DP going to Spain on holiday this week for 4 days with a guy he has known 1.5 years. He booked it a few months ago when we were having a very rough patch.

I am fcked off because:

1 - he is going on holiday without me.
2 - he is going on holiday without our kids aged 3 and 1.
3 - it's his 2nd trip abroad with the same guy in 6 months.
4 - in the past 4 years we have only had 3 nights away on our own (1 night each). Both within 50 miles of where we live.
5 - he thinks he is going to tell our eldest that he is going away for work as he knows our eldest will be upset if he finds out he is away on holiday without him.
6 - I have been away twice in past year for 3 weeks total but this was for work. He says it's the same thing.
7 - I feel really really hurt and upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
merville · 30/04/2017 14:49

"Wow! He can't be straight and go away with his mates to have a relaxing time without being on the pull? hmm What a weird thought process!"

I'd think it was too - if I hadn't experienced many many guys who think rather differently from us ladies. Unfortunately for a % of guys, being the bread-winner makes the think they deserve certain things & this goes along with a lack of real belief in monogamy; they pretend to believe in it for obvious reasons but privately they do not (and their partners would ob.v be the last to know). Trips away are time-out from family/monogamy for them.

I remember going out with an older man when I was 26 and he was indiscrete enough (I also gave the impression of being ex. non-judgemental and pragmatic) to tell me what he and his large contingent of acquaintances' golfing trips consisted of i.e. golf in day-time, Portuguese brothel at night. This was seen as absolutely standard - they were all long married, middle aged fathers & grand-fathers. I'm sure their wives thought they were well past even thinking like that. Sadly I don't think that attitude is entirely uncommon among all ages of me, women can be v naive about it - because they don't think that way.

merville · 30/04/2017 14:50

Sorry - "among all ages of men".

PaintingByNumbers · 30/04/2017 14:52

trust your instincts, not randomers on mumsnet or elsewhere
you dont sound happy about it, he booked it in a 'fuck you' moment, your kids are very young and many many mums would still not be in the mood for a singleton holiday, especially if purely done in a 'fuck you back' mood, he wont engage with booking a family holiday either
sounds like he is semi detached, and not engaged with family life. that rough patch from a few months ago covered over rather than properly repaired?

robinsongyal · 30/04/2017 14:52

I think maybe you should organise a girls weekend trip (or a little family trip with the kids!) Last summer my partner was touring with his music so was off out the country left right and centre, he would usually have some of his friends (who make music too) with him so it would be half work half bit of a holiday. So i know how it feels when your partner is going away doing fun things and you're stuck at home Smile This year is different though as we are expecting our first baby in 2 days so he is very much around!

Myyy point is that him going away 2 times in the space of 6 months doesn't sound massively excessive, unless of course it is affecting finances and is being done out of spite..Maybe he needs to take some time out with his friend from stresses at work & general life! Give him a little nudge and remind him that you want to spend time with him also, he may return and feel bad that his family have been stuck at home whilst he is off having fun! Hope it works out for you OP Grin

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 14:52

I'm not sure suggesting he's going on holiday to have sex with prositutes is helpful here, especially since there is absolutely nothing to suggest that in the slightest. Hmm

merville · 30/04/2017 14:55

I should say - I don't base my impression on that one example - that's one of many, it just happened to be one of the most memorable.

wizzywig · 30/04/2017 14:55

Op os it a case of why doesnt he want to go on holiday with me and the kids?

PaintingByNumbers · 30/04/2017 14:55

agree with both rookieville (build back up your career, dont be over dependent on your partner) and in amore general sense, merville (yup, know plenty of men who do that and feel perfectly entitled, bleurgh)

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 14:56

Merville,there is nothing to suggest he's going on s shagging holiday or is gay, give it a rest.

merville · 30/04/2017 14:58

Bluntness - I know, it's was purely an example of how a surprising % of men think.
It could equally be just being on the pull/open to any sexual prospects that come their way.

But for the sake of argument - if you want to go away with you mates with a sports/outdoors priority for example .. you go to sporty, outdoorsy, usually isolated places ...not to standard, touristy, drinking,
party places. The latter is usually about drinking and, let's face it, pulling.

In my experience there's a certain type of guy whose holiday choices tend to be big, party resorts.

merville · 30/04/2017 15:02

Blunt - cross posted.
Certainly don't get the impression he's gay - but as to his 'commitment' and priorities in his relationship - yes I honestly do wonder.

Biglittlefeet · 30/04/2017 15:03

I do think you are right to be upset OP. He arranged this out of anger, to get away from the family and let loose. If you went through a rough patch you are now in a fragile stage of your relationship.

A better thing to do would be that you and him go away together, without the kids if possible. Continue to mend your relationship.

I'm saying that as someone who has just been away on my own from my partner. It's OK if you have enough holiday time together, if you feel stable. But neither of you sound like you do.

Why don't you have a frank chat with him. Maybe he does feel claustrophobic. But it might be one of those, the more you try and fix things the more he runs off scenarios. Maybe say that you recognise that it is healthy to be able to do your own thing, sometimes. But that the priority is to each other. Why dont' you fix the next year with holidays, including a weekend away each on your own?

Judydreamsofhorses · 30/04/2017 15:05

My partner goes on a "lads'" weekend every year - he is neither gay nor on the pull. I'm totally fine with it, as are the partners/wives of his mates. The issue here is that you are.

Judydreamsofhorses · 30/04/2017 15:06

That should be are not - as in the issue is that you are not fine with it.

apotheke · 30/04/2017 15:08

As many others have said before me, it's not the trip that's the problem, it's the inequality and difference in opinion between the two of you.

DH and I both do the odd weekend away with friends. Neither of us resent it and we still do plenty as a whole family. It's a nice option when you don't need to arrange childcare and can help each other get a break.

Frazzled2207 · 30/04/2017 15:11

I don't think the actual trip is that bad as long as he is happy to prioritise a family trip which would be more important.

Peanutbutterrules · 30/04/2017 15:12

I wouldn't be happy either.

Equating work trip with holiday is just absurd.

You should agree these things as you're a family. You need to agree on how much time is spent on family holidays and how much on 'weekends with friends'. Not on in my book.

VestalVirgin · 30/04/2017 15:13

As long as he will happily take the children for the exact same amount of time so that YOU can go on holiday with a friend, OP, that's okay.

The only problem here is that you will be left alone with two young children who need permanent attention, isn't it?

With school age children who can look after themselves, I'd not really consider it an issue, but with so very young children, it is a rather shitty thing to do when he doesn't intend to make up for it by giving you a child-free holiday. (And no, work is not the same thing, with work, you can't take the children. He just doesn't want to.)

lizzyj4 · 30/04/2017 15:15

Having separate holidays doesn't seem unreasonable, as such, but as PP have said, it becomes a problem if you're not also able to have some time away or your DP's holidays mean that you can't afford to go away as a family.

Agree with Biglittlefeet though, it would seem to make more sense for you to have some time away as a couple, if that's possible? Maybe you could do that as well?

flumpybear · 30/04/2017 15:17

Just take time yourself. I often go away with friends, as does my husband, plus we have family holidays - but all pretty fairly spread around
I'm off to Cape Verde in July with my best friend Wink

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 30/04/2017 15:21

It largely was booked out of spite. And now that this week has finally arrived (he booked it 3 mths ago) it's a sore reminder of back then when he had the mindset of 'fck her'
I can see how this would open up old wounds. However, I do think that as he suggested cancelling it, try and draw a line beneath it this time. But I do think 2 lads holidays in 6 months is perhaps excessive, especially as he doesn't seem as keen to go away as a family although I never think holidays with very young children seem at all relaxing!.

You mentioned that you've not had a fmaily holiday, so perhaps make it a priority to discuss and arrange that when you can so you don't feel left out. I agree with PPS that you not wanting to go away with friends is your issue, but if you said you wanted to do that would he be fine with it though?

And I hope you told him that going away with work is NOT a bloody holiday!

ecuse · 30/04/2017 15:21

so - to be clear, OP, does this holiday mean you cant afford (either in money or time) to go away as a family?

TheElephantofSurprise · 30/04/2017 15:21

Oh.
Well, OP, I suspect your issue might not be that you have a selfish prick as a husband.
I think you might have a gay, selfish prick as a husband.
Despite what MNers would have you think, there's no sensible, worthwhile reason for a married man to go away without his family. If he's off with the same mate for some relaxation together, there's a reason.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 15:22

There are a few people on here that have totally got me... and others totally haven't but I'm thankful to everyone here who has taken the time to reply.

The 'friend' is not a friend to our relationship. It won't be a relaxing trip. The friend chain smokes, drinks whole bottles of spirits before heading out and likes a bit of the white powder. He has no children. Him and his wife have plenty of trips together as well as apart. A completely different scenario from me and my DP.

I guess I do feel hurt cos it was booked out of spite and this week is a reminder of that. He has had more time abroad with this friend than with me. When I ask him to take a day off (not often) for home or family reasons it's a major deal to him. I was fine with the last trip 6 mths ago. But I wasn't expecting another one so soon... and especially when him and I (+/- kids) haven't had anything.

And it will basically be a piss up for 4 days interspersed with beach/pool. He doesn't want to tell our son about his holiday because he knows he adores going on planes and playing in the pool. He is almost 4 and will be upset at his daddy being away for days and I will need to deal with that. What am I supposed to say to a 3.5 year old?

And yes I have plenty of friends I could go away with but feel my kids are still quite small for that just now.

OP posts:
SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 30/04/2017 15:24

Oh FFS Elephant, don't be so ridiculous.