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Original poster

Is it ok for DP to go on holiday without us?

178 replies

gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 13:23

Will try and make this brief.

DP going to Spain on holiday this week for 4 days with a guy he has known 1.5 years. He booked it a few months ago when we were having a very rough patch.

I am fcked off because:

1 - he is going on holiday without me.
2 - he is going on holiday without our kids aged 3 and 1.
3 - it's his 2nd trip abroad with the same guy in 6 months.
4 - in the past 4 years we have only had 3 nights away on our own (1 night each). Both within 50 miles of where we live.
5 - he thinks he is going to tell our eldest that he is going away for work as he knows our eldest will be upset if he finds out he is away on holiday without him.
6 - I have been away twice in past year for 3 weeks total but this was for work. He says it's the same thing.
7 - I feel really really hurt and upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Idoidoidoidoido · 30/04/2017 18:42

do you know he's definitely going with this mate ?

I thought that from Page 1.
You only have his word he's going with a 'mate'.
I would be doing a bit of digging.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 18:50

Ffs. The first trip was a stag do. This one is four blokes going away, they will probably spend their time drunk as skunks for four days and too pissed to get it up. He's not taking some secret girlfriend, going on a shagging trip or having sex with his mate. What's wrong with some people 😂

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 30/04/2017 18:59

ido you sound very cynical. Not all men are cheats. Like not all women are cheats. Some do. Some don't.

rookiemere · 30/04/2017 19:11

I trust DH, but I'd not be wildly happy if he was heading off to Benidorm with his coke snorting mate and two randoms.

It doesn't sound much like they will be building sandcastles or sightseeing. Hopefully as Bluntness100 says they'll be too drunk to get erections - so that's alright then Hmm.

I agree that you either trust somebody or you don't, but what happens say if that person takes drugs and they haven't had them before and they happen to be in a nightclub and are already drunk and being egged on by their mates?

Oh well guess I'm not a cool wife as I'm pleased that all of DH's weekends away involve mountain climbing and camping with innumerable photos to prove where he's been.

TheElephantofSurprise · 30/04/2017 19:55

Oh FFS Elephant, don't be so ridiculous
Because there have never been men who leave their female partners at home to go away on a tryst of their own. Repeatedly.
Never happened.
Ever.

Get back to me when it all comes out into the open.

Quartz2208 · 30/04/2017 20:01

The problem here is he is prioritising this above his family, he wont make time for a family holiday.

Of course being part of a couple should not stop you going away with friends, but not at the expense of family time and not if you are not prepared for the other to do the same

And he wants to lie to his child about it as well. He does sound checked out of family life. He did it to make a point and he is still making it now.

katronfon · 30/04/2017 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katronfon · 30/04/2017 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemere · 30/04/2017 20:33

Quartz2208 is right, the fundamental issue here is not so much where or what he's off to do, it's the fact that he has made time and effort to do it, plus a stag do, whereas he is not prepared to even take a long weekend off work to go away with his family.

In many ways I suppose it doesn't matter if he's camping in the Lake district or off his trolley in a Spanish nightclub - end result is that going away with his mates seems to matter much more to him than going away with his family.

As I say DH goes away for a number of walking weekends. At the minute I'm slightly annoyed with him as I hoped he'd be back during the day tomorrow as I wanted to spend some time with him, but he's back in the evening. That's a mild issue but not a huge one as DS is at school anyway.

If however he started not wanting to go on family holidays, or refusing to take time off for them, then yes I'd be majorly disgruntled.

Isetan · 30/04/2017 20:36

Apparently his family not liking you wasn't the only problem, he's a selfish arse too.

Holidays with you and his children are not his priority, he's his priority and a price for being in a relationship with him, is this. I bet you were thinking the selfishness and not seeing past his own needs was a trait restricted to the issues with his family, surprise... it wasn't. It's part of his character and for all the good things he does the price that you and your children pay is his sense of entitlement.

The balls in your court, you either accept this side of him or you don't and if you don't, how far are you willing to push and what are you prepared to sacrifice. All the hand wringing and the 'why can't he see's', won't change him, this is who he is.

katronfon · 30/04/2017 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellapaella · 30/04/2017 20:50

Depends on the relationship really.. I have had quite a few short breaks away with my friends over the years and DH has stayed at home with our 3 DC. Likewise he has had an annual skiing or surfing trip with his 3 best mates (away for 5 days) for the last 5 years. They all live in separate countries now so is a good excuse for them to all meet up. This year I have had a long weekend away with old friends to a spa hotel and I have a 5 day break coming up in Spain for a friends 40th birthday. I can't imagine dh would ever think for a second I was going away to cheat and vice Versa! It absolutely depends on what else is going on in your relationship surely?

PolynesianGirl · 30/04/2017 20:57

Shot breaks wo your partner when you are also having some time away as a family = OK
Shorts breaks away wo your partner when you can't be bothered to organise anything wth your family (so much so that even your 3yo would be upset about it) = not OK
Break away wo your partner when said break had been booked out of spite = not OK as it is still having the same hurtful effect as it was planed AND it doesn't show any willing effort to build something together again.

TinyDancer69 · 30/04/2017 21:09

OP - this all sounds odd to me 😗4 days in the sun with a guy he knows through work, who has only just married recently, and no holidays booked for his family. Who should be his priority. Really?!

You aren't married and unless money is no issue then you are very vulnerable. Get back to work or at least consider it. Do not be reliant on a man who you are not married to and who prioritises lads holidays over family time. If this relationship unravels you could be left high and dry!

Idoidoidoidoido · 30/04/2017 21:27

ido you sound very cynical

No. Realistic.

They're hardly going to be building sandcastles and sightseeing.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 21:33

Ok. Well my head feels well and truly fucked!!!!!! I am kind of surprised at the battering I have been getting from some comments. My point was that he is NOT giving any energy, investment and effort to any couples weekends so we can connect again as partners instead of parents......

OP posts:
MaQueen · 30/04/2017 21:35

"There has been no prioritising of a family holiday. We have nothing booked for this year for us or all of us. It is always a struggle trying to get him to take a long weekend off work for family time at home. But he thought nothing of booking this.^

If you're suggesting that she goes ahead and books without agreed dates, then that would also make her seem rather controlling. Seems that the OP can't actually win."

Taking a day off work for a long family weekend is very different to booking a proper 2 week holiday abroad, though.I know some employers don't like staff just taking lots of individual days off, and prefer you to take time off in chunks.

Has the OP actually talked to her DH about booking a proper family holiday?

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 21:37

He is self-employed.

OP posts:
MaQueen · 30/04/2017 21:42

"Oh well guess I'm not a cool wife as I'm pleased that all of DH's weekends away involve mountain climbing and camping with innumerable photos to prove where he's been."

DH goes away to play golf, but I don't need him to prove what he was up to, by showing photographic evidence. I just take him at his word (plus, he does come back with a golfer's tan e.g. tanned face, neck, forearms and left hand Grin

As so often happens, OP and her DH seem to have differing expectations about marriage, and what being married constitutes. If her DH is definitely uninterested in having a family holiday, or a couple's weekend away then that is a problem

PaintingByNumbers · 30/04/2017 21:44

just ignore the people who dont get it, op. mumsnet is full of them these days. you sound entirely reasonable and well within your rights to be pissed off. it doesnt sound controlling. most people dont run their relationships successfully by prioritising work friends and solo holidays while leaving partner and tiny kids at home.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 21:45

Ok. Well we've just had a really ugly argument. Needless to say the relationship looks like it's over.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 30/04/2017 21:48

Believe me maqueen I'd be happy not to see the photos! In fact for one December trip I instructed DH only to post interesting photos and he and his pals produced a series of posed photos with accessories at the summit!

I suspect though maqueen that you and I have a different relationship with our partners than the OP.

Original poster
gillybeandramaqueen · 30/04/2017 21:52

I would've felt a lot happier if he had been on mountain climbing trips 😢😢😢

OP posts:
rookiemere · 30/04/2017 22:01

I'm sorry to hear about your big row OP, sadly your P just doesn't sound that nice at all.

MaQueen · 30/04/2017 23:06

Oh I feel your pain rookie, I'll see your posed photos and raise you 'being made to watch video footage of his various golf swings' ...

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