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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

All I can feel is guilty, I lack balls and this isn't my fault!

167 replies

peachy2410 · 15/04/2017 16:01

I don't know what to do Dd's dad moved out in Jan after chucking a bucket of water over us while we were in bed- yes I kid you not. Background... He left me in labour, ruined lo's christening and every so often throws a strop usually when drunk.

Periodically he blows up- verbally usually... this is the first time he did anything. I don't want my daughter to see that type of thing. So told him it was over. He agreed to move out but we'd stay friends for sake of dd.

Fast forward to now...He now spends every moment he's not in work at my house on weekends- literally first thing to 10pm ish long after dd is in bed. He keeps saying he wants me back (note me not dd) and is pressuring me all the time. He tries to manipulate me and he says I need to forget what's happened and move on and just get back together with him. He kicks off to make me agree to things I don't want to do - let him hug me, tries to kiss me etc. I know I shouldn't let him and I say I don't want to and he keeps pressuring and pressuring making me feel rubbish.

I've had enough but just can't find it in me to say it's over again (I ended it on the water night) but he's acting like things are ok. He won't have dd on his own (Deep down I don't really want him to- his family are awful) so we end up doing things the three of us. I know I'm giving him mixed messages but I'm exhausted trying to manage my emotions on top of work,dd etc.

I feel massive GUILT cos he has nothing in his life. His family aren't bothered about him really, he lives in a bedsit... I have good job, home and our dd. I want to end it but am terrified of upsetting him. I don't understand why but I can't bring myself to tell him it's done (again!) When I've said it before he weedles his way back in!
I'm so exhausted and emotionally done! I'm trying to do what's best for dd and seem to have lost myself on the way...
How can I tell him it's over without him flying off the handle or being awful to me again? I just can't do it!

Please be gentle.. I'm a bit fragile right now x

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 15/04/2017 16:06

Concentrate on your daughter. He threw a bucket of water around a tiny child. If that doesn't make you stand up to him, then nothing will. You need to put her first and get ride of this piece of shite. Every time he starts, picture her we face and what he did that night. Don't let him into your house. He doesn't need to be there.

NotTheFordType · 15/04/2017 16:09

Does he have a key to your house?

If he does, you need to change the locks FIRST before doing anything.

Then you send him a text saying that you don't wish to lead him astray any further so you are now being totally honest. You are never going to get back together. You do not love him and do not wish to spend time with him. He is welcome to see DD but this needs to be elsewhere than at your house. Any future communication needs to be about DD only. End of text. Send.

Block him on all social media and email. Put your phone on silent because he'll start blowing it up with texts and calls. If your phone has the capability, put him on block temporarily and then unblock him in the morning to see if he's actually responded like an adult for anything to do with DD. If he's just continued being a cunt, re-block him. Repeat as necessary.

If you have a very forthright friend who could stay with you for a couple of days I think that would be helpful. S/he can lean out the window and tell him to fuck off or you'll call the police if he rocks up outside demanding to be let in, for example.

RandomMess · 15/04/2017 16:11

Stop letting him in your house!!!

How old is DD?

gamerchick · 15/04/2017 16:14

Sounds like my ex. I had a devil of a time getting rid of him.

You need a plan. Use this thread and you'll find your strength. Remember he doesn't want you he just wants his comfortable life back, he wants the creature comforts back and if you cave it'll be harder to get him actually out of the house next time.

You can do this.

Original poster
peachy2410 · 15/04/2017 16:19

She's 18mths.

Rented house so can't change locks :(

Thank you everyone. This is seriously what I need to hear!

I keep feeling awful and as of this is my fault and I'm ruining his life (mainly cos that's what he suggests!)

Xx

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/04/2017 16:22

Yes you can change locks! What would happen if you lost your keys? You need to speak to the landlord or managing agent about getting new locks.

Pollydonia · 15/04/2017 16:23

Could you move away from him?

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2017 16:24

You can change the barrel inside the locks - you can change them back when you leave. (I believe).

Or tell the landlord you've lost your key and make sure they get one when you change.

Get legal advice.

PovertyPain · 15/04/2017 16:26

He will ruin your daughter's life, if you don't get rid of him. To put it bluntly, op, who is your priority? Your daughter has no choice in what goes on in her life. He does.

Original poster
peachy2410 · 15/04/2017 16:27

I've been thinking of moving 350miles away to be near family. Start again and lots more support but worries about what happens regarding contact?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 15/04/2017 16:28

Whilst he is at work text him and tell him it's over.

You pity him that is all.

If a man did that to my child I would be absolutely furious!!!! Your poor daughter, absolutely disgusting animal is what he is!

To do that to a child takes some sort of person.

If that incident didn't put you off then you and your dd are goosed

fruitbats · 15/04/2017 16:31

You are not ruining his life - you are ruining your own life. It may feel hard but you have to tell him you do not want to continue like this. As a pp said, can you get a friend or family member to come round and be with you when you tell him?

Original poster
peachy2410 · 15/04/2017 16:31

Dd is number one priority. He just messes with my head so much. When he's nice he's lovely when he's not he's awful.
I don't want her growing up with that but obv we have shared parental responsibility :(

I know I need to grow some, I'm just so ground down, I feel like shite for tearing up his life, but I want better for dd

OP posts:
Itshello · 15/04/2017 16:33

Yes have a plan. Decide what you are going to say to him. Write it down if it helps. Then think about what you will do when he begs/pleads/turns up on your doorstep and stick to it.

Do you have someone you can discuss it all with?

Don't get involved in long discussions with him. Don't listen to what he has to say. Decide to end it and stick to it. Repeating the same statement over and over helps eg it's not working for me any more, I don't want to see you again.

NavyandWhite · 15/04/2017 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happypoobum · 15/04/2017 16:35

peachy I remember your original thread I think. He is a pig and you know it.

Of course you can change the locks - just get it done and tell the landlord you lost your keys - give them a spare.

Tell him you don't want him turning up all the time - just do not let him in.

I think given all the circumstances I probably would move away.

SSYMONDS · 15/04/2017 16:48

Definitely move. You'll never regret it. Make all your plans without telling him and then go, leaving a note.
Having a mum that is not exhausted and bullied is way more important than regular contact with an inconsistent and abusive dad.
You know you can do it. You've just forgotten that it's your life and you don't belong to anyone.
Good luck.

nackle · 15/04/2017 16:52

Stick to your plan and move house to be near your family support
network, OP.

So what if it happens to be 350 miles away, if he has the time to harass you all day then he has the time to visit his DD at weekends.

He's a grown adult, OP, don't feel sorry for him, he's responsible
for his own choices and his own balls ups.

And well done on your zero tolerance of his abuse of you and
DD and making him leave, OP. Flowers

PovertyPain · 15/04/2017 17:53

Please go, but don't tell him until you're safe. Mr Sometimes NiceGuy is more than capable of being nasty. I'm glad you have family to go to.

ohfourfoxache · 15/04/2017 18:00

You are not tearing up his life.

He already did that himself

Original poster
peachy2410 · 15/04/2017 19:14

Thanks everyone. Just feels better knowing that I'm not being unreasonable. Your suggestions of what to do are helping me get my head straight. I need to get my head round moving too. I know I want to but am bit worried about his reaction if I emphasise it's over and we are moving!
Really appreciate the time you've taken to reply.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 15/04/2017 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fruitbats · 15/04/2017 19:26

Best of luck peachy Thanks

bobs123 · 15/04/2017 19:35

Aww OP I think you know what you have to do. When you are ready. It's all mental and of course you are thinking about this and his feelings - it's what we do. I left it till my DDs were almost adults, thinking t would be good to stay together for their sake.. At that point they were begging me to leave him. Please don't do the same

ivykaty44 · 15/04/2017 19:39

Changing the locks won't help

Tell him you're not taking him back, and if he needs to stop coming round

Text it if needed

Make it a template text and keep sending it until the message sinks in

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