All I can feel is guilty, I lack balls and this isn't my fault!

[peachy2410]

I don't know what to do Dd's dad moved out in Jan after chucking a bucket of water over us while we were in bed- yes I kid you not. Background... He left me in labour, ruined lo's christening and every so often throws a strop usually when drunk.

Periodically he blows up- verbally usually... this is the first time he did anything. I don't want my daughter to see that type of thing. So told him it was over. He agreed to move out but we'd stay friends for sake of dd.

Fast forward to now...He now spends every moment he's not in work at my house on weekends- literally first thing to 10pm ish long after dd is in bed. He keeps saying he wants me back (note me not dd) and is pressuring me all the time. He tries to manipulate me and he says I need to forget what's happened and move on and just get back together with him. He kicks off to make me agree to things I don't want to do - let him hug me, tries to kiss me etc. I know I shouldn't let him and I say I don't want to and he keeps pressuring and pressuring making me feel rubbish.

I've had enough but just can't find it in me to say it's over again (I ended it on the water night) but he's acting like things are ok. He won't have dd on his own (Deep down I don't really want him to- his family are awful) so we end up doing things the three of us. I know I'm giving him mixed messages but I'm exhausted trying to manage my emotions on top of work,dd etc.

I feel massive GUILT cos he has nothing in his life. His family aren't bothered about him really, he lives in a bedsit... I have good job, home and our dd. I want to end it but am terrified of upsetting him. I don't understand why but I can't bring myself to tell him it's done (again!) When I've said it before he weedles his way back in!
I'm so exhausted and emotionally done! I'm trying to do what's best for dd and seem to have lost myself on the way...
How can I tell him it's over without him flying off the handle or being awful to me again? I just can't do it!

Please be gentle.. I'm a bit fragile right now x

Please just leave
He's never going to leave you alone

You don't have to have any such letter except South Africa. If he goes to court he could stop you.

I've travelled everywhere with my DS, different surname. I just carry his birth certificate.

Get some legal advice
But most importantly? Do not engage with him. You will be able to do it.
His threats about his daughter are baseless, he knows he can't look after her.
It's all about control and power.

wait, i dont want to split up
This says it all imo
If one person wants out then the relationship is over, it has to be mutually wanted or not at all

What he is saying is that he wants to be with you against your will, he wants you to be a captive, for him you are not a person with a right to your own decisions, you are a possession and he has more rights over you than you have over yourself

peaceout: he is in total denial, he can't accept its over at this stage although he seems to in the last week make some positive steps to help himself and seems to realise he needs to love himself before he can anyone in the future. Its hard because there is still love there from my side, and emotionally unattaching seems to be a slow process.

But you are right he does think I'm all HIS like an object. About a year ago I told him all I think he wants me for is a hole and the bank balance, which he denies is true. But he didn't show me his love, in fact what he showed me was resentment, anger, mistrust, insecurity etc.

He has caused this not you. Never forget that.

he can't accept its over at this stage although he seems to in the last week make some positive steps to help himself and seems to realise he needs to love himself before he can anyone in the future

No doubt is is all very painful and difficult for him, BUT why should you sacrifice your happiness and we'll being to prop him up.
He may never get his act together, he may be a man drowning, you'll sink with him if he gets his way
He is sapping your life force

These men have many similarities! Pudding, mine is not accepting it's over either.
He's got the DC today while I'm working. Has cooked me dinner (again- I've declined it). Has texted links to a lovely 'family holiday' he wants to book for us.

He just messes with my head so much. When he's nice he's lovely when he's not he's awful.

The awful him is the real one. Never, ever let the nice mask fool you.

You have done the right thing but he is unlikely to go without messing further with your head.

He will probably try to persuade you that you have been very unreasonable but he is prepared to forgive you if you will only apologise.

He will probably try to tell you that you are harming your DD by removing him from her everyday life - you are not. You are giving her a secure, stable life and minimising his opportunities to mess with her head.

He will probably tell you that other people agree with him and believe you are making the wrong decision.

He will probably tell other people lies about you in an attempt to isolate you and shake your resolve.

He will probably make promises about how he will behave if you will only have him back - they will be broken as soon as he has his own way.

He may try to frighten you into changing your mind. If he does, call the police.

Once this is over and you have a new, stable routine that doesn't involve him, you will look back and know this was the best decision you ever made.

Mine is doing that to the letter, Gold.
It is so so hard to keep the resolve when he talks constantly how all he wants is his happy family back, talks of all our plans for the future, holidays, days out, cosy time at home etc etc.

I find it so hard to believe it's all an act he's so good 😒

Gold you are right I'm sure. Feel like I'm waiting for the storm to start. Not heard from him since 7am when he said he's going to get his stuff next weekend xx

Can you move and tell him after the fact? You need legal advice

I don't know what the legalities are, but I'd be seriously concerned about his refusal to take no for an answer and his refusal to leave you the fuck alone.

Can you ask the police for advice? Maybe a restraining order while you sort out contact through a legal route?

Can you google if your local council has an advice centre.
I know it's a long shot, but mine has an awesome one, really sympathetic and helpful.

I find it so hard to believe it's all an act he's so good

It's an act with a purpose. It is about getting control. Once the control is in place, he will be able to stop the act and the violent abuse will escalate.

Your children are not necessarily amongst those who are better off having a relationship with both parents.

Do not give in. Protect your independence. Do not allow him to move in. He has shown you who he really is. The abuse will happen again.

Peachy forewarned is forearmed. Don't believe in any change of heart. Don't allow yourself to be made responsible for how he lives or what is lacking in his life. Your responsibility is to yourself and your daughter. He will do what it takes to make sure he is OK.

See the emotional blackmail for what it is. There is a happy future ahead of you - don't let him take that from you and your daughter.

Previous poster... the saga continues.

Managed to get exP out of the house more permanently and got back his keys.

Agreed in May he could have DD (20mths) on Sundays for a few hours -pick her up/drop her off that kind of thing. It happened for 2 weeks where he basically said "all she does is cry for mumma so it's torture for me and torture for her. Can I see her for a couple of weeks at your house?" Initially I said ok with the plan of him staying here and me going out- familiar surroundings making things better for DD as she was clearly very very upset and it took around 3 weeks for her to calm down and be less clingy if I even went out of the room for a wee!

Long story short he won't have her on his own- at all. I forced the issue this week as I needed to go to a hospital appointment and it was not appropriate to take DD. He had her but I came out to messages saying she hates him and it's all my fault. He blames it all on us still breastfeeding (I'm trying to wean but she is clearly not ready) and blames me for the whole situation (abusive relationship - due to his drinking and issues).
I'm sick of the messages wanting to get back together on one hand and the other slagging me off! I'm doing the best for DD- she's extremely happy when he's not about, very sociable, coming on in leaps and bounds, but when he's about she just wants me there.
What do I do? He's messaged again last night in a drunken state saying he can't be arsed with it and we can F off. But I know what he's like, he'll try and be nice again in a few days!
What do I do about him seeing DD? Force the issue that I know makes her very unhappy and unsettled in the hope it improves or just let him see her at my house even though I don't really want to be in his company cos he tries it on or say no?! Deep down if I'm honest I know he wants me and his comfortable life back, he find parenthood hard work! But I want to do what's best for DD which I thought was maintaining a relationship with him, but i don't want her upset and to be honest I've had enough of the stress of managing him all the time!
Sorry for the ranting but just needed to get it out! XxX

It is not best for your child to witness the abusive dynamics of this relationship. She does not even have a healthy bond with this man and seems terrified of being left alone with him.

He and his family are dysfunctional so what will she gain by going there?

Him blaming your BF is ridiculous the child probably remembers he poured water over her!!!

Keep him out of your house because you are sending him mixed messages.

Just say no.

He wants in to be looked after, not to build a loving relationship with his daughter.

Do not pity this man, his upbringing was the responsibility of his carers at the time and unfortunately he is projecting everything he learned onto you and your DD.

He has had an opportunity from you to be a better person and a better parent but he has not made the best of that opportunity and you can't keep confusing your child.

Imagine if she was dating a man like him?

That is on the cards for her if you stay together. He will be her only role model and his dysfunction will seep into her.

Stay strong

With his track record of blowing hot and cold on you, are you sure he's not doing it to your DD too? She sounds petrified of him!
I wouldn't let this guy near her to be honest. You sound like a really lovely person but this is definitely about the happiness of your DD!

It seems to me that you are still pandering to his wants and not your daughter's needs. He is obviously not a good thing in either of your lives and facilitating access in your home is a bad idea. He needs to take responsibility for making his daughter happy in his company, in his place, or not at all. I think you need to make it clear in writing that he is free to care for her at his place and let it develop from there.i don't think it will last long as he sounds very selfish.

peachy

re your comment:-

"What do I do about him seeing DD? Force the issue that I know makes her very unhappy and unsettled in the hope it improves or just let him see her at my house even though I don't really want to be in his company cos he tries it on or say no?!"

Do neither. If he does want to see his child (and it really does seem like he cannot be bothered with any aspect of parenthood) he can then make the effort to see her at a contact centre.

An informal arrangement like you have had to date was never going to work because he has simply used that to control you by using your DD.

He is a toxic role model of a father to his child.

He probably won't be all that bothered about seeing her at a contact centre either; you and your DD both need to be away from him completely.

His own family of origin are also dysfunctional; the rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family.

Thanks all. I know I've tried to be too nice. I just wanted to be sure I could turn around to DD and say I'd tried!

I would stop pushing the issue. Does he initiate contact with DD or do you?
A relationship with a man she is scared of does not sound like her best interests right now.

He texts but usually to do with rubbish so most of the time I ignore him. He doesn't ask about DD or ask to see her really. He just turns up at the house. I ask him usually on a Wed when he is planning on seeing DD so I can make plans round but he rarely gives me an answer.

I need to change my life...
Does anyone else feel like they're stuck in a rut and need to make changes in their life?
DH and I run a business together, which has been struggling financially for the last 6 months, which is incredibly stressful, but DH seems to spend most of the time alternating between grumpy, angry and moody. Our relationship is really struggling, but he is old school, and doesn't talk feelings. I feel unloved, under valued, isolated (I don't really have close girlfriends I can talk to) and fantasize about just driving away.
I'm unhappy but not depressed, I don't think, and have been for months.
I don't want to break up my marriage, but the thought of living like this makes my heart sink.

Shared parental responsibility? He doesnt even have his DD on his own though! His actions should tell you all you need to know. Crap dad. Move away. If he wants to know her he'll make the effort (he won't).
Your DD's welfare is your priority not his. And make sure he's paying.

Neither block nor facilitate his contact with DD. Leave it up to him but only within reasonable parameters - i.e. Not at short / no notice and not in your house. I strongly suspect he will lose interest very quickly when he realises that he can't use contact as a way to harass you.

I know I need to grow some, I'm just so ground down, I feel like shite for tearing up his life, but I want better for dd

OP you're not tearing up his life, his behaviour is.

You stay with him though and you WILL be responsible for tearing up your beautiful, innocent DD's life.