All I can feel is guilty, I lack balls and this isn't my fault!

[peachy2410]

I don't know what to do Dd's dad moved out in Jan after chucking a bucket of water over us while we were in bed- yes I kid you not. Background... He left me in labour, ruined lo's christening and every so often throws a strop usually when drunk.

Periodically he blows up- verbally usually... this is the first time he did anything. I don't want my daughter to see that type of thing. So told him it was over. He agreed to move out but we'd stay friends for sake of dd.

Fast forward to now...He now spends every moment he's not in work at my house on weekends- literally first thing to 10pm ish long after dd is in bed. He keeps saying he wants me back (note me not dd) and is pressuring me all the time. He tries to manipulate me and he says I need to forget what's happened and move on and just get back together with him. He kicks off to make me agree to things I don't want to do - let him hug me, tries to kiss me etc. I know I shouldn't let him and I say I don't want to and he keeps pressuring and pressuring making me feel rubbish.

I've had enough but just can't find it in me to say it's over again (I ended it on the water night) but he's acting like things are ok. He won't have dd on his own (Deep down I don't really want him to- his family are awful) so we end up doing things the three of us. I know I'm giving him mixed messages but I'm exhausted trying to manage my emotions on top of work,dd etc.

I feel massive GUILT cos he has nothing in his life. His family aren't bothered about him really, he lives in a bedsit... I have good job, home and our dd. I want to end it but am terrified of upsetting him. I don't understand why but I can't bring myself to tell him it's done (again!) When I've said it before he weedles his way back in!
I'm so exhausted and emotionally done! I'm trying to do what's best for dd and seem to have lost myself on the way...
How can I tell him it's over without him flying off the handle or being awful to me again? I just can't do it!

Please be gentle.. I'm a bit fragile right now x

That's the thing though. I can't do anything with her without asking permission because of shared parental responsibility. I can't pick a nursery, school, where we live or even take her on holiday without having to beg for his approval :(

I think it will go down the court route eventually, but it's the evidence thing I have trouble with. It will be a case of "he said, she said", and he's very clever and manipulative.

I'm hoping he'll get bored and bugger off back to London or anywhere else (he hates it here).

Yes, you can Peachy.
Di what you like with DD. He has to prove that it's not in her best interest if he has any objections. Honestly unless you're doing batshit crazy stuff, he won't have a leg to stand on.

It's really interesting reading about others STBXH and how they are with their dcs. I have berated myself for not leaving earlier but I know I couldn't have. I would have worried about him having the kids on his own when they were younger. He has a screwed idea of looking after kids and when I think back, I recognize patterns. Bit like a jigsaw.

One time, DD was a baby. He went to the supermarket with her. She was sleeping on her car seat. He said he left her in the car and went in. It's a superstore. No way can you do a quick in and out. He bought a 'few bits'. He was down playing it which means he knew he shouldn't do it. From then on i could never leave him with the kids and feel completely happy.

Another time the kids told me that he went to buy cigarettes. He would have to drive for 5 mins there and back plus the time he was in the shop. The kids were 6 and 4 and they were scared and the youngest was crying.

You just need to cite research that confirms your position lovelilies!

Cite research and the law.

For example the law re child arrangements clearly state that the court should only make an order if it is necessary to.

This means no order will be made if you can demonstrate that you are willing to promote contact that is in the best interests of the child.

They will just tell him to go away (eventually) if he tries to bring a case over things that are related to contact being 'just what I want'.

Usually men like this approach court from a 'my right to my child' stance, and haven't thought much about what the child needs from them, which is not a principle the court recognises.

If you present evidence that shows you are thinking about the child rather than yourself it just shows up a man like that for what he is, no matter how clever or manipulative he is.

FFS. He's been mr Dick head the last few days, saying how he's doing me a favour looking after his DC, that I think everyone owes me a favour 🤔 been downright rude to me, then tonight he's decided to sell his flats and move in with me (after saying he'd never live here - council estate- it's awful, etcetc) WTAF?
I've spelled it out. I don't want you. I don't want you to move into my house. I won't go to counselling. Stop asking me!
His reply?
"I'll move there with you and be the perfect partner, I love you bits, miss our family and want you as my wife Let's go to relate and sort it.. So and So made it work.. we can also.. I'll sell this house and move in with you and eventually we can find a place together "
Marry me!

Good God the man is crazy

How are you * doing Peachy?*

Sorry, bold fail!

Oh well it's happened. Not the way I had planned but it's done. He came round yesterday evening and was hen pecking me about dd's christening how it was my fault not his as we didn't have alcohol and I'd arranged it poorly even when he'd asked to help me (I'd told him at the time to get some sleep as he was doing 12hr night shifts). He was also banging on as to how I make all the parenting decisions (namely one... I'm still breastfeeding) and that's ruined any relationship he can have with her.
Apparently a I used him as a sperm donor (I didn't think I could get pregnant when I fell due to fertility issues)... so anyway I snapped and just very calmly said it's done! Absolutely done!

He proceeded to leave my house saying he's coming back for his stuff today including his "big tv" (which I never wanted in the first place but is clearly dear to him!) Should mention he left to drive home with a bag of beer and a FULL pint glass.
So anyway I get a barrage of texts calling me a dickhead and how he wants DD for one full day a week. (He's was meant to have her 10-4 when he first moved out, he was late and dropped her off early) and then one this morning saying can he get his stuff next weekend when he's sorted a storage place.

I've hardly slept and I'm mad at myself for not actually having a proper conversation with him and I'm worried about DD.
No real point to this post.... just could do with a bit of support I guess as I'm worried about DD xx

keep your sanity, I have been through this and life is much nicer now knowing that my ex will never set foot in my home again.
Your ex sounds like the sort of man who if you left him with your daughter, wouldn't think twice about bringing a new partner into your home. Move, Make it your sancutuary and keep him out of it to ensure your sanity and make it a nice place for your little girl.

Hey OP just read your update after I posted. Good, glad you have told him, have his stuff packed up ready to go in the hallway and don't let him anywhere near your home. Order a new tv!
He sounds so much like my ex, I would be concerned if he drink and drives that he never take your daughter anywhere in the car. Keep your nerves steady, we are all here online to back you up.

Thanks feel like I need the support today xx

Firstly, just because you have shared PR doesn't mean you have to discuss anything he just gets to have a say to the Courts if he doesn't agree, moving schools etc. you can take her overseas for 28 days or less without his permission.

If I were you (and I was and did this when pregnant) I would cut my losses, hand in my notice at work (saying there was a family emergency and I was having to move back home), hand in my keys and go if you have the support at home. Don't tell him or any friends that might pass it on and go. He is not a nice man, he is not a good dad. He will kick up a fuss, turn your phone off, block social media. Keep any texts and a diary as evidence. Then once you are sorted at home, with some distance physically and mentally you can arrange contact at a contact centre where he will be supervised in a safe environment with age appropriate toys etc where a third party can do the hand over. I think he'll probably lose interest and with a father who throws water over her as a baby won't be a massive loss.

I'm still seriously considering moving just feel I need to take one step at a time. My parents live up here but have wanted to move back to where they are from for years.I just worry what his reaction will be if/when I tell him we are moving.
I thought with shared PR responsibility you had to get a letter from the other parent to take abroad? For a hols of course. Xx

Peachy I think it would be a good idea to see the citizen's advice bureau- that way you'll get clear advice on what you can do and it might put your mind at rest.

I'm not saying that the advice from MN isn't brilliant- it is - but it might be worth it just to know exactly where you stand.

You can do this. He is an abusive arse, you are in the right, and the future is going to be so much happier for you. You just have to stay strong and focussed, don't let this turd get to you

Bloody well done OP

Today he will make it his mission to bombard you with abuse. He's stewing on all the ways he can get to you including using the bairn. This is normal, it's part of the script please don't panic.

I want to say can you block his number temporarily but anything he sends you can use if he needs reigning in. Dont talk to him on the phone for the next few days and don't reply to any texts.

If he makes a pest out of himself not giving you any peace, ring your local police station and one of them will go and have a stern word.

Fwiw my ex has PR for mine and I've never asked his permission for anything. I think the holiday thing is if you have seperate surnames to your bairn. Not sure though it's something to check out.

Could you go out today to your parents or something just in case he comes over and either pretends last night didn't happen or does the nice thing? Being out means you can avoid all that while you're feeling so tired.

I'm defo going out today- gonna look for a new tv ;) thanks gamerchick for your support. It so hard to know what he's thinking. He asked for DD on Sundays so I wouldn't be half surprised if he turned up xx

Peachy- don't berate yourself for not having a proper conversation with him. You will never be able to have a proper conversation with him. It's not you, it's him. He's incapable. Try not to second guess him because his Brain doesn't work in the same way as normal. If he is capable of acting like he has, then there's no point trying to work him out. It's just wrong. I don't bother trying to discuss anything with my ex because I know it's pointless. It's like negotiating with a drunk.

Try and be business like Peachy
Don't enter into negotiations, keep him out of your house, engage as little as possible

Well done Peachy, if he is anything like my EX he might still not accept it. I sent my Ex an email saying very clearly I was done and he replied "wait, i dont want to split up". Fact I have been living in a different house for 10 weeks wasn't enough for him to accept it was over.

I still don't think he thinks its completely over, but thats partly my fault because he is still on Facebook as my fiance (I just don't want to tell everyone yet, we live overseas so its quite easy to keep it quiet) and I still talk to him when we drop the kids off etc. Yesterday he pumped up my tyre.

Its tough getting the balance when you have kids without him thinking I want more. You are probably much stronger than me, but the advice about not reacting to messages and blocking on social media are good ones. You might cave at some point and reply, don't beat yourself up if you do. Well done.