All I can feel is guilty, I lack balls and this isn't my fault!

[peachy2410]

I don't know what to do Dd's dad moved out in Jan after chucking a bucket of water over us while we were in bed- yes I kid you not. Background... He left me in labour, ruined lo's christening and every so often throws a strop usually when drunk.

Periodically he blows up- verbally usually... this is the first time he did anything. I don't want my daughter to see that type of thing. So told him it was over. He agreed to move out but we'd stay friends for sake of dd.

Fast forward to now...He now spends every moment he's not in work at my house on weekends- literally first thing to 10pm ish long after dd is in bed. He keeps saying he wants me back (note me not dd) and is pressuring me all the time. He tries to manipulate me and he says I need to forget what's happened and move on and just get back together with him. He kicks off to make me agree to things I don't want to do - let him hug me, tries to kiss me etc. I know I shouldn't let him and I say I don't want to and he keeps pressuring and pressuring making me feel rubbish.

I've had enough but just can't find it in me to say it's over again (I ended it on the water night) but he's acting like things are ok. He won't have dd on his own (Deep down I don't really want him to- his family are awful) so we end up doing things the three of us. I know I'm giving him mixed messages but I'm exhausted trying to manage my emotions on top of work,dd etc.

I feel massive GUILT cos he has nothing in his life. His family aren't bothered about him really, he lives in a bedsit... I have good job, home and our dd. I want to end it but am terrified of upsetting him. I don't understand why but I can't bring myself to tell him it's done (again!) When I've said it before he weedles his way back in!
I'm so exhausted and emotionally done! I'm trying to do what's best for dd and seem to have lost myself on the way...
How can I tell him it's over without him flying off the handle or being awful to me again? I just can't do it!

Please be gentle.. I'm a bit fragile right now x

Pudding our situations are so incredibly similar!! Xxx

I worked out pretty quickly that the relationship was wrong and made me unhappy but for years I was stuck in this kind of back and forth and paralysis.

After detaching, the 'no going back' action and no contact for 2 months I now understand what it was that kept me stuck -

Fear, responsibility and destroyed self worth.

He had completely destroyed my self worth at one point (years ago) and managed to make me feel that my value as a person was dependent on his approval. Then he set me up to parent him by making childlike demands so the regaining of my self worth through his approval became me fulfilling all of his childlike demands but he maintained this by aggressive and sometimes violent railing against me if I ever had 'failings' that were kept secret from me and were known only to him. The combination of needing his approval because it was tied to my self worth (that he had destroyed) and fear of his explosions kept me paralysed but eventually I just totally burned out and left.

Does that help either of you?

Once I realised he had destroyed my self worth because he is abusive and that it could only come back my loving me more, combined with no contact with him, I have felt much better but the no contact was painful for a while because his critical/pleading voice was always in my head even though he was gone.

Speaking to the police for me helped massively. Though horrible and scary after making the initial report and then official statement his voice had 90% gone. It is now only there about 10% of the time and I have been doing exercises where I inflate and explode him the more he talks in my mind (in a comedy way to make him seem ridiculous) which help too.

You feel guilty because he's manipulating you. You haven't done anything wrong, have you? Genuine question there, have you done anything wrong? Don't think about what he would say. Think about what an average person would say. He's playing Mr Victim/Mr Pathetic to reel you in.

Also Ask yourself this; why is it that you are all he's got? What's the answer OP? Might help you sort through all the crap going on in your head. I know because I'm divorcing my Mr Victim

Offred: thanks for the insight, I am working on my self esteem which has improved massively since I left although I know I still need to do a lot to improve it further. I didn't have kids with ex thinking we would split in the future although looking back I wasn't truely happy then.

The kicker for me is I can't still after all this time believe he did the things he did on purpose and I feel like I needed to help him. Classic co-dependent I suppose. Its my nature to try and fix things, I need to work on that too. I am a nurse by profession, it was a career I wanted to do from the age of 3, I bleed compassion and empathy. So for me its so tough to see him hurting. However, I am much clearer this week than I was last.

He wrote me a "heart felt" 4 page letter telling me he has the upmost respect for me, loves me dearly, wants to help me etc. When I told him last week I needed to help myself before there would even be the slightest chance of reconciliation (I am talking years down the line, which I still no will not happen). He twisted it all back round to him, soon as I cried, he started sobbing loudly, begging again and clearly not respecting me at all! I told him if he really did love me he would give me the space I need. He sees I have been away for a few months and I have had space, but in no way understands that means mental head space form the daily text messages of love etc.

I know I need to disengage, shut down and protect me and the boys ( they seem to be doing great, so very very proud of them). My eldest is 9 and has way more insight into what is happening than his dad.

I am sticking to the same message when I reply (and sometimes have chosen not too). He says he isn't angry, just heartbroken, but he is behaving badly. I will report him to the police if I know he drives drunk again, and I will prevent the kids from going over if I have any doubt if he is drinking. He never seems like he has had a drink when I see him, just wallows when the kids are not there. Its terribly difficult to get a balance, the boys like spending time with him. he isn't all bad. He took them shopping the other day, took the eldest on a long mountain bike ride when the youngest was at a party. The boys enjoy his company.

He I imagine feels like his life is over, but doesn;t realise the self pity and wallowing is not an attractive feature I would want in a man. He is doing everything I expected him too.

OP sorry to hijack your thread! I hope you find some resolution soon.

Ah god pudding mine did that too - promising the world, exactly what he knew I would want to hear only to use it to hurt me later.

If it makes it easier to know I don't believe mine was deiberately doing it, it was learned behaviour based on his beliefs and he felt he was fine. I think it is often like that but it makes it more futile for you to get drawn into the 'fixing it' cycle because a. You can't fix his beliefs or learned behaviour and b. Because he honestly believes he is fine and it is you that is nuts.

There are usually some tells which if you emotionally detach you can start seeing. X's were statements like 'the rules don't apply to me', behaviour to others that lacked empathy and was bullying, statements like if someone is upset by him that is because they are weak, black and white thinking which always made him right and everything a competition, responses to disagreements that seem rehearsed or strategised, nothing ever being his fault, anger that was unpredictable and went from 0-100 straight away, him saying he felt others should be made to hold to 'the standards of debate' (his), me feeling like he made it necessary for there to always be a winner but that it was impossible for me to win...

Often things said as though they were a joke but I now think they were truth telling.

He once made me cry in an arcade where we were playing air hockey because I hadn't ever done it before (he knew) and he was horribly trash talking me in a really aggressive way.

Me being upset Irritated him because I wasn't following 'the rules' given it was 'a competitive sport'.

ANewDawn all I've done really is be less than enthusiastic about his family- they are unhygienic, smokers and don't respect my parenting choices (plus they contributed considerably to my lo's christening being a disaster through their lies. I've still up until our split taken lo to see them (granted not often around every 3 weeks). I don't know, I don't see that I should. ExP has taken her a couple of times since we split but doesn't seem very keen to do it. I don't offer - it's not my place and to be honest I think why should I! That's one of the cruxes of his flare ups an issues- my parents look after DD some afternoons while I'm at work and DD adores them. This is what led to the water incident -the jealousy. He blames me that DD is more at ease with my parents! Literally that is the main issue.

So he is a deficient controlling person from a deficient controlling family.

I think it is reasonable for you to make it his business for him to deal with dd and his family's contact. I have had certain safeguarding concerns re my eldest two and their grandparents and have on occasion refused the odd thing (a holiday abroad with alcoholic nan and xp who had never had them overnight before when they were 5 and 6) but I don't interefere with my x's family and he doesn't interfere with mine, my ex ILS are lovely and I still don't promote contact with them.

It is perfectly normal to let him organise his family.

If you were friendly with them he would only accuse you of using them to get at him and interfering in his relationships with his family.

That's what they do - pick something to get at you with, usually your dc.

Peachy - so you're doing nothing wrong. It's his view that is screwed. He knows it will cause you to feel guilt or whatever. As soon as you don't react and see it for what it is, it will lose its power. When you detach, you will notice lots of things. Make a note of what he says, does he always turn it around to him? Make a note of what he does. Is it for you or your DC? Does he do anything? If he does do anything, does he expect something back? Apply this to what has happened in the past. It will help you see

Think of him as a 5 year old. He will try all those tricks to try and get what he wants. Stay strong. He is responsible for his own actions.

Offred and pudding - so many parrellels. I'm a fixer with shot boundaries and he's pissed all over them. No more though and he HATES it. I think his behavior isn't deliberate per se but he has enough intelligence and forethought to consider it and stop it.
It's so very draining. I will only communicate by email now. I will not speak to him about anything other than practical things. He hates this. He has always accused me of being a shit communicator, which in hind sight is his flawed thinking. I'm not great but I'm not shit. He has a habit of railroading me. The times I have agreed to do stuff I'm not happy with is stupid.

His behaviour recently has taken a turn, after 'the incident'. he really has shown his true colours. He's accused me of being a bully and being underhand. He now locks his home office door. I feel I don't really know him but it's all classic stuff. It's entitled behaviour. The rules don't apply to him. He scares me.

I'm sorry newdawn.

Mine announced a few months ago 'I am a GREAT boyfriend' just out of the blue with no irony. He was arrested around two weeks ago so obviously the police don't agree with that!

Oh OP I really feel for you - I know exactly how hard your situation is - and I could have written your post myself at any point in the last 7 years.

You really need a lot of support to get through this, so please don't feel guilty at any time for not doing the right thing. It's easy for people to say what you should be doing, but you need non stop support rather than just advice.

That's good you'll be reading those books, and as a pp said, use this thread as much as you need- you get amazing support on Mumsnet.

I don't know if anyone mentioned it yet, but doing the freedom programme from Woman's Aid is brilliant. If it's near you and you're able to you should go, but I know it's nearly impossible with a job and a kid.

Ahh, I agree about changing the locks, to make it your house.

Can you arrange that he sees DD at his mums house - for a set amount of time? And without you there? Pretend you've got a fitness class or hair appointment?

Can you arrange to have a friend over for dinner on sat nights, so he's got a clear cut off time if he is round?

Best of luck and keep posting xxx

Grrrrr he's been at me again this morning. Apparently I've not been messaging him enough! I've been trying to get my head straight. He still seriously sees us as a couple and me as his girlfriend.

I've realised the reason I'm not telling him again is I'm scared of him losing it as well as the guilt. I really need to get my head round him being an adult and being in charge of his own life.

I just worry so much that if I tell him again that he'll do sth silly like take our daughter if he sees her on his own, I know I'm over reacting but he's so up and down. I know realistically he wouldn't be able to cope! But it's still in the back of my mind.

This whole situation is shit :( xx

how are you scared of him? You mention he will take your daughter. How do you mean? Are you scared for your own safety?

I'm scared he'll just shout at me and make me feel shit. Pathetic isn't it :(

I worry he'll have her for a few hours and not bring her back

No not at all. It's awful being shouted at. I don't think you're overreacting either. Your instincts are on high alert. Not sure what to suggest other than just crack on with the split. Do you have any ideas what your next steps will be? I mean in terms of the logistics. I had to tell my STBXH numerous times, via email in the end.

Can I join in?
I'm in the same situation (many many threads over the years but have finally ended it again)
ExP has our 2 little ones right now while I've taken my eldest DD to get her hair cut.
Since I told him it was over he has been signed off sick, cancelled his professional exams (to be a GP) that he's worked for for 5 years and is taking strong ADs making him slurry and weird. He says there's no point doing the exam if I'm not with him.
He's CONSTANTLY going on and on about how we should all be together, he's worried the split is affecting DS. All would be well if I'd stop being stupid and just move back in with him.
His MH is going downhill and it's all 'my fault' for tearing the family apart.
It's fucking draining, and yes, I do feel terrible for him but FFS, I wish he'd grow up and sort himself out!

I feel so weak. Like I need someone every hour of the day to tell me I'm doing the right thing, because the doubt creeps in and the guilt. I know I haven't ruined exPs life, but I sometimes feel like I have.

I've had all the same fears as you OP, but so far he hasn't taken the DC away and yes, sometimes he gets angry and shouts when I won't agree to come back, but in a way that makes it easier to be strong, it's the Nice Guy/ Victim parts I find incredibly difficult to deal with.

Lovelies! So wish I could mentally say that to myself about him just needing to get over it.

Your situation sounds rubbish too! Seems there's lots of us in the same boat!x