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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

All I can feel is guilty, I lack balls and this isn't my fault!

167 replies

peachy2410 · 15/04/2017 16:01

I don't know what to do Dd's dad moved out in Jan after chucking a bucket of water over us while we were in bed- yes I kid you not. Background... He left me in labour, ruined lo's christening and every so often throws a strop usually when drunk.

Periodically he blows up- verbally usually... this is the first time he did anything. I don't want my daughter to see that type of thing. So told him it was over. He agreed to move out but we'd stay friends for sake of dd.

Fast forward to now...He now spends every moment he's not in work at my house on weekends- literally first thing to 10pm ish long after dd is in bed. He keeps saying he wants me back (note me not dd) and is pressuring me all the time. He tries to manipulate me and he says I need to forget what's happened and move on and just get back together with him. He kicks off to make me agree to things I don't want to do - let him hug me, tries to kiss me etc. I know I shouldn't let him and I say I don't want to and he keeps pressuring and pressuring making me feel rubbish.

I've had enough but just can't find it in me to say it's over again (I ended it on the water night) but he's acting like things are ok. He won't have dd on his own (Deep down I don't really want him to- his family are awful) so we end up doing things the three of us. I know I'm giving him mixed messages but I'm exhausted trying to manage my emotions on top of work,dd etc.

I feel massive GUILT cos he has nothing in his life. His family aren't bothered about him really, he lives in a bedsit... I have good job, home and our dd. I want to end it but am terrified of upsetting him. I don't understand why but I can't bring myself to tell him it's done (again!) When I've said it before he weedles his way back in!
I'm so exhausted and emotionally done! I'm trying to do what's best for dd and seem to have lost myself on the way...
How can I tell him it's over without him flying off the handle or being awful to me again? I just can't do it!

Please be gentle.. I'm a bit fragile right now x

OP posts:
Offred · 20/04/2017 10:56

I have been in the same place and with the same fears. When you say you are afraid that he will shout at you it sounds really silly but it isn't - it is coercive control.

Original poster
peachy2410 · 20/04/2017 10:57

Nice guy/victim!!! Yes this is it totally!!!! It's that that I'm finding so hard to deal with. Like I said when he's nice he really is. I just can't decide if he loves us or the life he had been living as he's never really had a secure family home!

He keeps saying to me "I'm a nice guy" "I know I've done some stupid things but I'm not a bad person"........ I know he can be lovely, but it's the stress it's all causing me. Him turning up unannounced, walking in, saying things like "I'll do whatever you want me to do" , "tell me what to do and I'll do it" it's sooooooo draining xx

OP posts:
Original poster
peachy2410 · 20/04/2017 11:03

I also worry it's all in my head. I worry so much about asking him if I can take our daughter to do things - like go and see relatives for a few days or even to my mum's for a couple of hours. He's never said no and has encouraged it, but it still works me up a treat wondering what his reaction will be!
I also think I'm being selfish as I wouldn't be happy at all if he got to spend all the time with DD that I get to spend with her, but he never seems to make much of an effort to do things as he wants me to be there- hence me thinking it's more me he wants.

Sorry I'm rambling now but it's just flooding out!xx

OP posts:
Offred · 20/04/2017 11:10

It is not in your head.

Why do you feel you need to ask him to take your dd to see your family if he is such a 'nice guy'?

gamerchick · 20/04/2017 11:23

I'll do whatever you want me to do" , "tell me what to do and I'll do it" it's sooooooo draining

Then tell him to give you space with no contact about your relationship, no talks, no nothing. He won't do it. These men see getting things back to the way they want them as a full time job. They try to wear you down and it's easier to give in because you just get so tired of it all then it's 100 times harder to end things again because they dig into the house firmly.

This man threw water over your baby because of jealousy. If you give in and let him come back you've taught him what method works to make you cave.

Steel yourself, have someone there for support if you have to and tell him to sling his hook and if he kicks off, ask the police to come and remove him.

You will have to make some sort of loud statement soon or you'll get tired and cave. Pull off the plaster.

Original poster
peachy2410 · 20/04/2017 11:27

Gamerchick you are so right- he's trying to wear me down so I give in. That's why he's constantly in my face....

Offred - I feel the need out of politeness I guess. I've always been one who starts a sentence with "would you mind if.." but it works me up a treat to asking! I've got the opportunity of a few days away next week, but I feel so sick thinking of asking him if I can take her. And I could do with the space!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/04/2017 11:40

Which tells you he doesn't give a fuck about how to feel as long as you give in and let him back in the house where it's comfortable.

NurseButtercup · 20/04/2017 11:48

chucking a bucket of water over us while we were in bed

Every time you're having a wobble, remember how you felt when he did this...

Lovelilies · 20/04/2017 11:50

Gamer has given me lots of good advice wish I'd taken it the first time thank you for not giving up on us.

I'm getting the marriage proposals and the "I'll do whatever you want, I've changed, I was a dick but I'm ashamed of my actions etc etc" as well 😤

gamerchick · 20/04/2017 11:57

Well I was you once, mine was a swine to get rid of. In the end it took him a year on the settee with his stuff piled up on the landing, locking him out didn't work he would just bang on the door until one of the kids opened it. He would follow me around the house with pillows when I was trying to sleep somewhere so he could lie next to me (so basically not letting me sleep). I didn't know mumsnet existed then and had no support with it all.

I've heard every word, every promise, I've seen how low they can stoop to get you back under control. It's always about their needs, not yours or your kids. Them! They don't change either, the next unlucky lady who gets lumbered finds herself in exactly the same situation eventually.

I'm happy now with a nice calm household where before it was arguments and tension. Now I'm with a normal, well balanced man I could cry for all those years lost not seeing the wood for the trees.

pudding21 · 20/04/2017 12:09

Peachy: sorry to hear things are still shit. I feel like I've been put through the ringer the last few days too (well years actually). Its like a constant high arousal state, on edge, wondering how to deal with what he throws at me next. Have a look at fight or flight, adrenaline, cortisol and stress levels. Its physiological and its exhausting. What i realised it this is the same as I was feeling when I was in the house, but the victory is that I now can physically escape from it as I am in my own space. Take some comfort form that. You are now in control.

I know how easy it is to worry about how they will react, how they will interpret things etc. We need to try move passed that and get in touch with our inner voice. I read something yesterday about reacting and responding. Wait to react, take your time to respond. It makes everything less emotional and more measured.

Things are calm again here, he says he is stopping drinking totally. He knows he's fucked up (for now). I was debating yesterday if I should sign off my text message with a X. FFS!

The reasonable part in all of us in this situation wants to try and keep things civil and reasonable for the kids and out of care for them and us too. But for once, we all need to start putting ourselves first and rediscover what we WANT to do. I know I have spent so long predicting reactions etc that my inner voice is so small (like a mouse). Well NO MORE!!

You are doing great peachy.

Lovelilies: sorry to hear you are going through it too. Take comfort form the people on here who have experienced this first hand and got through it. Perhaps is a years time we will be the ones giving such solid advice.

kkkkaty123 · 20/04/2017 12:16

When I read dd is 18 months (not that age is really relevant) my mouth fell open. Nasty bastard. He knows you'll probably back down which is why he's grinding you down. You need to find the strength op. I know that's easy for me to type. You need to remember how you felt when he through the water at you and your baby. Sending you some strength 🌺

Lovelilies · 20/04/2017 12:19

I hope so, Pudding. I'm amazed how common this is. And I thought I was a 'strong' woman who'd never put up with any shit off a bloke 😂

It's the children thing that makes it so so hard. If it weren't for them I would happily wave him off, block all contact and spend a day or two crying in my soup, then get the hell on with my life! But I know that most kids do best when both parents are involved in their upbringing so I keep hoping against hope that we will be able to parent them without being a couple and also not hating each other.

I've asked him to keep the little ones a few more hours, I'm so exhausted by all this I'm going to try and have a nap.

I honestly can't tell you all how much having people to 'talk' to like this, helps.

Lovelilies · 20/04/2017 12:21

Peachy - my ExP threw a bottle of water across the bedroom towards me and newborn DS when I was BFing in bed. It hit the wall above my head.
It's awful, and although he hasn't done anything like that in the last year or so, I can't erase that image from my mind.

Hold onto that thought when you feel yourself softening.

Qvar · 20/04/2017 12:23

Move first if you can

Lovelilies · 20/04/2017 16:53

Just cooking for the DC and Rachel Platten's Fight Song came on and I broke down.
I'm such a dick head.

Offred · 20/04/2017 18:10

Lovelilies - the research, as I understand it, actually supports cutting contact with an abusive parent but the MRA movement has some how managed to push a 'both parents' agenda.

What is important for children seems to be quality of parenting rather than quantity.

Offred · 20/04/2017 18:16

It's obviously better for children if both parents can offer them quality parenting.

I think that goes without saying TBH.

But I do think there is a judgement to make re the ability of an abusive parent to provide parenting that isn't actively harmful to children that at the moment isn't really being thought about. At the moment the assumption seems to be that being abusive to a partner bears no relation to abuse of children, which is illogical and not borne out by the law or the research findings. Unfortunately that usually means that the non-abusive parent is usually made responsible for managing the abusive parent and their relationship with shared children.

Offred · 20/04/2017 18:18

I find I think hard to reconcile the legal principle which characterises an abuse victim as a neglectful parent with the new legal principle re shared care and the current approach to measuring the risk of someone to their children when they have a record of abusing their partner.

Offred · 20/04/2017 18:20

For example the current law seems to say if a man punches his wife in front of his child the wife is a neglectful parent for allowing the child to witness the DV but the man who punched his wife can still have that incident disregarded as it is not the child he punched.

Lovelilies · 20/04/2017 19:32

It's absolutely crazy isn't it Offs?
Part of the reasons I e stayed with him is so I can be around when the DC are with him as I don't think he's able to care for their emotional health as well as he could.
It's horrid having to send them off with him, even though we don't have a court order I'm trying to encourage their relationship, but it feels so wrong Sad

Original poster
peachy2410 · 20/04/2017 20:08

I could have written that lovelillies that's why I'm so loathed to remind him it's over!

OP posts:
Offred · 20/04/2017 20:12

If you have no court order I advise you to take the route that is in the best interests of the children!

Offred · 20/04/2017 20:17

As long as you can justify your actions with objective evidence you should be ok!

moonchild77 · 20/04/2017 20:27

I totally sympathise with you.
The sooner you tell him it's totally over the better.
You can do whatever you want then with your child without the worry and stress of having to ask him. You shouldn't need to ask permission off anyone!
Get your locks changed. Go out early at the weekend so he's not in your face. You can do this. Wishing you luck.