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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

All I can feel is guilty, I lack balls and this isn't my fault!

167 replies

peachy2410 · 15/04/2017 16:01

I don't know what to do Dd's dad moved out in Jan after chucking a bucket of water over us while we were in bed- yes I kid you not. Background... He left me in labour, ruined lo's christening and every so often throws a strop usually when drunk.

Periodically he blows up- verbally usually... this is the first time he did anything. I don't want my daughter to see that type of thing. So told him it was over. He agreed to move out but we'd stay friends for sake of dd.

Fast forward to now...He now spends every moment he's not in work at my house on weekends- literally first thing to 10pm ish long after dd is in bed. He keeps saying he wants me back (note me not dd) and is pressuring me all the time. He tries to manipulate me and he says I need to forget what's happened and move on and just get back together with him. He kicks off to make me agree to things I don't want to do - let him hug me, tries to kiss me etc. I know I shouldn't let him and I say I don't want to and he keeps pressuring and pressuring making me feel rubbish.

I've had enough but just can't find it in me to say it's over again (I ended it on the water night) but he's acting like things are ok. He won't have dd on his own (Deep down I don't really want him to- his family are awful) so we end up doing things the three of us. I know I'm giving him mixed messages but I'm exhausted trying to manage my emotions on top of work,dd etc.

I feel massive GUILT cos he has nothing in his life. His family aren't bothered about him really, he lives in a bedsit... I have good job, home and our dd. I want to end it but am terrified of upsetting him. I don't understand why but I can't bring myself to tell him it's done (again!) When I've said it before he weedles his way back in!
I'm so exhausted and emotionally done! I'm trying to do what's best for dd and seem to have lost myself on the way...
How can I tell him it's over without him flying off the handle or being awful to me again? I just can't do it!

Please be gentle.. I'm a bit fragile right now x

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 15/04/2017 20:18

Don't tell him you are moving - you owe him nothing

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2017 22:41

Changing the locks won't help

It will make her feel safer while she sorts out her plans.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 15/04/2017 23:15

Being friends isn't going to work. You would never choose to be friends with someone who threw buckets of water over 18 month old babies in normal circumstances would you? but the thing about being friends is it makes the initial breaking up feel like less of a shock/less of a direct challenge to him and that's very understandable. I think though you now have to do the breaking away part of breaking up.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 15/04/2017 23:16

And I have been/am in a similar situation myself. Some people are Harder to get rid of then Japanese knotweed. Still doable though.

Onecutefox · 15/04/2017 23:29

You shouldn't feel sorry for him. My mum had many opportunities to leave our father but was sorry to him. Many years on she regrets she didn't dump him all those years back. I still cannot believe she had stated with him after he threw a mug of cold water on her and my older sis when she was a baby. My DM was tired after the night and fell asleep and he "woke" her up to make food for her husband. She blames on her low esteem that she didn't leave him but also felt sorry for him as he was drinking early in their marriage.

Stay strong and leave him. We have only one life.

Onecutefox · 15/04/2017 23:30

Stayed, not stated.

Offred · 15/04/2017 23:35

:( I feel your pain.

It feels as though you don't have any power and control over your own life with someone like this.

You need to find the strength to keep him out of your home, that's all, everything else will come.

It's the same as being run ragged answering every phone call on the landline only for it always to be sales. All you need to do is realise you can choose whether or not you pick up the phone.

Offred · 15/04/2017 23:36

And by that I mean you don't owe him a thing in actual reality...

Not even an explanation.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/04/2017 23:36

Yes it will be hard for him to have contact when you live 350miles away. This is a good thing. This will make your daughter have a happier life.

I'd change the locks, tell him it is over, keep him away (which sounds like it will be hard), all while secretly planning your 350mile move. Only tell him that you've moved after you've gone.

Offred · 15/04/2017 23:38

And don't wait to get your head straight either - that will only begin happening after a period of no contact with him IMO.

Just take one step - making no contact at all happen and your head will begin to straighten on its own.

JustSpeakSense · 15/04/2017 23:46

He's manipulating you.

One day you will look back on this and wonder why the hell you ever put up with all this. Find your strength.

Find it.

Offred · 15/04/2017 23:50

IME knowing that someone as intensely controlling as this is manipulating you doesn't stop you from cow towing to it because they put such extreme pressure on you until you break.

You just have to get to a point where you just cut them off completely. For me that was by going to the police, and trusting them and following what they told me to do. Now there is no going back.

I think your way could be by moving back to be with your family.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 16/04/2017 00:04

Flowers OP. It's hard isn't it? But you have nothing to feel guilty about.

You did the right thing for your DD and for yourself.

I think you need to learn detachment strategies with him. No matter what he says or the whole 'poor me' act, he's only got himself to blame. You have to detach yourself from that responsibility, you don't owe him shit.

My Ex is very manipulative - to the outside world, most of them think I was out of my mind to dump him. He's the perfect Disney dad 8x out of 10. Dotes on the kids etc. Had them at a drop of a hat when i got rushed into hospital and I'm incredibly grateful. The other 2x out of 10 he's a complete and utter dickhead arse and I've had to stop him coming around my house because he was starting to raise his voice and kick off over the most stupidest of things. Basically my ethos is, if he wouldn't talk to his colleagues or his mates like that, then he doesn't talk to me like it also. I'm not having it around our children and until he learns that he stays with the boundary I placed. This is my house, and my home.

The house you and your DD are in now, renting aside. He needs to understand that this is your house and your home. Not his halfway house to doss down at for a few hours each evening. If he wants to spend more time with your DD then he's going to have to sort it.

I don't understand why but I can't bring myself to tell him it's done (again!)

Sometimes people need telling more than once. As a friend of mine once wisely imparted 'its always best to grab the nettles'. You need to be blunt with him OP or he wont get the message. The detachment thing again? Dont think about him being lonely etc. Think about your house being your 'wind down after work' space. He made his bed, he lies in it.

If you can't get the locks changed etc can you see a solicitor you can get them to do you a letter of warning to stay away and meet on more neutral ground?

Offred · 16/04/2017 00:43

I don't agree re being blunt TBH. He knows, he just believes he has the power to make a different decision.

It's up to you op what you tell him, if anything, but you have been clear with him about your feelings and I think the reason he is doing all of this (the opposite of what you want) is because he understands perfectly well how you feel and is trying to regain control of you.

Standard abuser really....

Original poster
peachy2410 · 16/04/2017 08:42

Really appreciate the replies. You are right I know what I need to do. It's just getting outsiders perspectives that this type of thing isn't right. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when there's so much going on and with him in my face all the time! Thanks so much everyone xx

OP posts:
Isetan · 16/04/2017 09:38

When did you become his mother? Why isn't and can't he, be responsible for his actions? If this man stays in your life he will destroy it and where would your DD be then, I'll tell where, with not just one incapable parent but two. Prioritising the emotional wellbeing of the most important person in your DD's life, is how you put her first.

Move and don't look back.

Marmalade85 · 16/04/2017 09:41

Throwing a bucket of water over an 18m old is revolting behaviour. Please change your locks and reduce contact. Consider blocking his number and use email only.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/04/2017 09:49

I would just move closer to your family
You said in your OP that he won't spend time withDD alone and doesn't want her back only you so it's unlikely that he would have contact more than once or twice if you stayed in the area.
Make a plan to move home and go

Gazelda · 16/04/2017 11:33

Would it help if you booked a day off work for 1 weeks time, and decide that it is your 'future planning' day? Gets bits and pieces ready ahead of the date, book bank or CAB appointments. Then on the day you can make lists of things you need to do, draft a timetable, talk to your landlord about notice periods/changing locks etc, call your family, register for job searches in the town you wish to relocate to etc.

The first day of your fresh start and the day you tell him you and DD are moving on with your lives, without him.

Offred · 16/04/2017 11:56

Two other things that helped me prepare for getting out of this, as well as making some friends and seeing him through their eyes;

  1. Detaching mentally and watching his behaviour from a mental distance - helped recognise that it was a predictable pattern of controlling and abusive behaviour and stop pandering to it.
  1. Standing up for myself a bit and seeing how much worse it made his behaviour.
Original poster
peachy2410 · 16/04/2017 12:40

How do you mentally detach? The idea sounds good but I'm not sure how xx

OP posts:
Offred · 16/04/2017 12:54

Getting outside perspective helps, reducing contact, reading about abusive and controlling men, getting support like doing the freedom programme or from DV specialist organisations IME.

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2017 14:18

Please change the locks. The landlord won't care as long as they are given a key. Stop letting him in, he sounds like an abusive arse. You want to end it but he's trying to control you to get you back. What a shite relationship that would be. You don't want him round your dd. Yes, move.

Wormulonian · 16/04/2017 14:40

Move to your family and get away. Don't worry about contact - he has to sort that. He is abusive - don't let your DD stay around that.

pudding21 · 16/04/2017 16:30

Peachy: I hear you, that guilt fairy is a great big bitch. If only we could work through it. I just posted a similar response to another thread but this is where I am at.

I have no advice because I am in a similar position to you. I walked out over 2 months ago from a 21 year EA relationship. I feel a huge amount of responsibility and guilt for him. I have tried to help, tried to be civil but he just isn't getting the message. I tried to make it all about the kids, he is just making it all about me with some lipservice about how he adores the boys etc. The kids have been amazing and have adapted between going to both houses well (I left he is still at the family home) I have them most of the time, he has them EOW and one night a week at the moment.

On Thursday I told him I could not say I wanted to try and work things out as I still have a lot of work to do on myself and he has a huge amount of work to do too. In reality it is now totally over in my eyes. I tried to tell him that, again won't listen.He has spent the last three days bombarding me with texts, drinking to oblivion, alternating between calling me a bitch and that he loves me. He read his messages this morning after a night on the booze and told me he sees that he was being an asshole but started drinking again and the messages started again. I have blocked him for now.

I just came home with the boys after a day with the boys at the beach and he clearly has been out in his car as he has left a dvd of the final series of game of thrones. I think he thinks he is being nice, I think he is being creepy. I am starting to get a little bit afraid he's gonna do something stupid.

He is supposed to have the boys again on Tuesday, they are all he has got, and I don't know what to do. Its so fucked up.

Sorry to derail your thread, just wanted to say despite all this I still want to see he is ok. I bought the Lundy book today and another book on escaping emotional abuse. I know its me who needs to be firm and end this once and for all but the fear is paralysing.
Hope things settle down soon flowers