All I can feel is guilty, I lack balls and this isn't my fault!

[peachy2410]

I don't know what to do Dd's dad moved out in Jan after chucking a bucket of water over us while we were in bed- yes I kid you not. Background... He left me in labour, ruined lo's christening and every so often throws a strop usually when drunk.

Periodically he blows up- verbally usually... this is the first time he did anything. I don't want my daughter to see that type of thing. So told him it was over. He agreed to move out but we'd stay friends for sake of dd.

Fast forward to now...He now spends every moment he's not in work at my house on weekends- literally first thing to 10pm ish long after dd is in bed. He keeps saying he wants me back (note me not dd) and is pressuring me all the time. He tries to manipulate me and he says I need to forget what's happened and move on and just get back together with him. He kicks off to make me agree to things I don't want to do - let him hug me, tries to kiss me etc. I know I shouldn't let him and I say I don't want to and he keeps pressuring and pressuring making me feel rubbish.

I've had enough but just can't find it in me to say it's over again (I ended it on the water night) but he's acting like things are ok. He won't have dd on his own (Deep down I don't really want him to- his family are awful) so we end up doing things the three of us. I know I'm giving him mixed messages but I'm exhausted trying to manage my emotions on top of work,dd etc.

I feel massive GUILT cos he has nothing in his life. His family aren't bothered about him really, he lives in a bedsit... I have good job, home and our dd. I want to end it but am terrified of upsetting him. I don't understand why but I can't bring myself to tell him it's done (again!) When I've said it before he weedles his way back in!
I'm so exhausted and emotionally done! I'm trying to do what's best for dd and seem to have lost myself on the way...
How can I tell him it's over without him flying off the handle or being awful to me again? I just can't do it!

Please be gentle.. I'm a bit fragile right now x

OP is moving to be nearer your family still an option? You just sound like you need a fresh start somewhere far away from him tbh. And as far as contact with DD goes she's getting nothing good out of it currently and he's showing no real commitment to or responsibility for her so why are you sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of contact which doesn't actually benefit your child?

If he was a decent, responsible parent he would find a way to see her even if you moved, would go to court and fight for a contact agreement, would step up and be a parent irrespective of the situation between you and him. He won't do any of those things, he might make noises to begin with but he'll give up at the first hurdle because that's what he always does where DD is concerned.

So why would you prioritise her relationship with him over you having any kind of life, any freedom from a man you no longer want to be with? There just isn't enough in it for DD to make it worth the sacrifices you've been making. He was a shit father when you and he were still together, he's a shit father now, with DD close enough to see frequently and he will still be a shit father if you move away so you might as well give yourself a fighting chance of happiness and get as far away from him as possible.

Sorry if some of that was a bit harsh but I've had no coffee yet sometimes there's no other way to say it. Save yourself OP, you won't regret it

You are right. I am glad I'm not with him. I don't want to be. I think I just get like cos I'd split from him I didn't want him to think he couldn't have a relationship with DD. I'm all reality, he is a shite dad. I just need to grow some and tell him where to go - I've got him out. I've got his keys, I've given him the opportunity. Now to be fair it's up to him. He wants to see her, he can contact me and take her out and if she's too upset then he either needs to build things slowly until she's happy or bugger off!

The only feasible way to get your life and peace back is to move far far away. He's a controller and emotional abuser... this type don't go away quietly. He can always visit his child if he's bothered to. Please, if you have been thinking of moving closer to family, just do it.

He's clearly not interested in your DD and he adds nothing to her life.

I'd block him and if at some point in the future he becomes a decent human being, maybe he can have a relationship with her then.

In all honesty after the water throwing, I'd have been done with him. You have a lot of patience.

OP, stay posting here and get the support from experienced women who've managed to shift their persistent ex's. All very well for the likes of me to put in my view (I've re-read, it comes as harsh, I'm sorry) when I've never been so worn-down by an insidious ex. He will try and wear you down and you will need these women to give you strength and motivation. You've made the first step of kicking him out, you've made the second step of getting clarification here, now you need to make the final push for proper freedom.

I really wish you well.

Peachy no advice from me but just wanted to say you're not alone. My kids are older and they are starting to say they'd rather be with me all the time and just see ex occasionally because he is such a miserable bastard at times.
Also on him contacting you etc and saying he wants you back. Ex is still saying all that shit too. Despite having invited a old old female fri be out to stay with him for a week (we live overseas). Purely platonically apparently, but he thinks I'm stupid. Hasn't seen her for 25 yeas and he's shit with house guests so of course he wants to sleep with her. Anyway she's here, and he was texting me last night to say how much he missed us. They like to play with our minds. I'm delighted he's moving on, hopefully might means he lays off me a little bit. I'm not happy he's got her in our house which I'm still paying for because he doesn't work! Chin up, you'll get there in the end and are doing great!

Well I told him yesterday it's done. Really done!

He went off in a strop (literally like a child) and refused to say what he's going to do about seeing DD.

I'm so annoyed that he can't be an adult.

Spent the night awake that he'd do sth stupid like break in our house :((

It's just shit. I'm sick of the up and down of emotions :((

If you so much as hear ANYONE touching your door, you dial 999. Do. It check it's him.

Let the Police deal with him. You send a very clear shot across the bows.

Stay on the thread Peachy and all strength to you. Well done.

Thanks Welsh, I've never felt so alone in all my life :(

It'll get better, just not straight away x

Typo in my post. Meant to say, dial 999 if ANYONE messes with your door. Don't even bother checking that it's him.

Peachy just stick to your guns. Have a long serious think about moving closer to family and your friends. Start checking out accommodation, jobs etc, keep busy.

You're doing well

Me again.... If I were to move - can he do anything about it? Even if it's 4hrs away? I want to but I think he'd hit the roof!
We've not seen him for 2 weeks- we went to my family for a few days. I've had messages from him most days but he's not once asked about DD :( I've not really replied apart from oh ok/yes/no- I'm not bothered so haven't bothered!
What would I do if we moved about him seeing her? Could he take me to court? She's been so happy the last couple of weeks - I don't know if he'll ask to see her this weekend and I don't really want the visit to be in my house but he won't have her alone and if I'm honest I don't want him to! (He's been evicted from his flat for threatening behaviour!)
Seems never ending and I want a fresh start for us

Not sure Peachy. Can you make an appointment with the CAB to discuss? Is he on the birth certificate? Not sure if it makes a difference if you're not married, ie he has less power over this situation. He could potentially take you to court, but I think he would need to finance it, and from what you have said, I'm not sure he would follow through (whatever drunken blustering you got about it). Being evicted...he hasn't learnt from his mistakes has he?

No he's not learnt at all. I have a feeling this is just his life cycle. We weren't together long when I fell pregnant unexpectedly but I didn't think he'd hang round if I'm honest. Yes he's on the birth certificate :( biggest mistake ever :(( I tried my local CAB s few months ago and they were a bit useless but maybe I need to try again. :) thanks spongebob :)

Mm. Don't know if any of your local solicitors still give half an hour free advice? Or if Gingerbread or anyone have any advisors that could help? I think in your position I would be tempted to go for the move anyhow. A court is unlikely to object You may find that after some initial phone calls and nasty text (mostly hurt pride, as you have said he doesn't show much interest in your dd) it will all go quiet and life will be peaceful and lovely.

Oh that sounds bliss! He's more tempted to tell me how his gambling is going than ask about our DD :( but I'm sure the abuse will ramp up! Defo sth to think about!x