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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 31/01/2017 20:36

If you never argue as you say and this is a one off it seems a bit of an overreaction to cut you dead like this if you've tried to contact him. Are you sure there isnt more to this?

monkina · 31/01/2017 20:38

If he isn't responding to calls & texts, maybe you could send a thoughtful card?....if he still doesn't reply, then I'm afraid he may not be worth the effort. Sorry you're suffering x

TiredAndRavenous · 31/01/2017 20:39

I have 2 theories

  1. You have really upset him & is sulking
  1. He's not that interested in you & not bothered about getting back together.

I hope it's the first one for you x

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:46

I agree - it seems a bit of an overreaction - however he is massively introverted and comfortable with his own company - I've known him be withdrawn before.

I think if I sent a card it would be a bit much - he must have seen missed calls & messages - he's chosen not to reply and he knows where I am - I'm not sure going to his house with card is right. He clearly doesn't want to speak to me.

We are best mates - I'm so so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:49

Thansk Tired - I hope it's 1. 2 would be devatating after all these years - it was all OK until I flounced - I was really upset.

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 31/01/2017 20:53

8 years? Can you not go round his house and speak to him?

gleam · 31/01/2017 20:54

Well, y'know, maybe it was ok for you to flounce. You say you were really upset, so it obviously meant a great deal to you. We're not always in control of our emotions.

Was this the first time you've stood up for yourself?

monkina · 31/01/2017 20:56

Well I guess you know him best. I'm an introvert too, but would still see a card as thoughtful & loving from a long term companion.

Hope it works out for you.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:58

TheNew I really want to - only thing stopping me is that he's ignored calls & messages - he doesn't want to speak to me - turning up seems an imposition in that case.

I'm a 'talker' - I have to get things off my chest, talk, put the world to rights. He shuts down. It's not a great combination at times.

One thing that's on my mind is he has a medical condition (non-curable, neurological) he hasn't told anyone about but me. I hate the idea of him not talking to anyone about it. I was going to go to his next medical appointment with him in a couple of weeks. Him going alone breaks my heart - but if we're not together that's how it will be.

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 31/01/2017 20:59

After eight years together, surely you can just turn up there and sort it out / find out what the situation is once and for all?

3luckystars · 31/01/2017 20:59

Send him a card 'I miss you' and see what happens. It's worth a shot.
what's done is done so don't be hard on yourself. Good luck

Believeitornot · 31/01/2017 21:00

He's ignored you before?

He sounds quite childish to be honest.

category12 · 31/01/2017 21:00

Why wouldn't you just go round and speak to him?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:02

gleam no I always say what's on my mind. He knows this. I'm not confrontational just I don't keep feelings to myself. I thought we were spending the weekend together but he said he was off out for the day - a family commitment. He swore he'd told me - to be fair he had weeks ago - but I thought he'd just sprung it on me with minutes to spare before he had to leave - I felt an idiot gathering my things and leaving - he said sorry but I'd already seen red and headed off. I left my house key - dramatic! I was annoyed and embarrassed.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/01/2017 21:02

You've been together eight years but don't live together, is there a reason for that ? And you flounced and then didn't contact him at all for a few days so how long have you been trying to contact him v how long did you go no contact for?

TiredAndRavenous · 31/01/2017 21:03

You know him best hun, but please try and sort it out before that appointment, I'd be so sad if I couldn't be there for my OH x

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:04

Does it not seem inappropriate to just go round? He really isn't up to speaking to me.

It would put him in the position of having no choice other than to see me - kind of tricking him into it.

Please be honest - is it really OK? We've been together a long time.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/01/2017 21:05

Fuck sending a card.
He's ignoring you.
Do the same.
You'll just make yourself feel worse when he spurns and ignores more of your attempts to speak.
Ignore him now.
Wait for him to come to you.
You've done your bit now.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:05

Hi Bluntness. I'm a slow mover I guess! I have a son - I don't feel ready for him to have my partner living with us - it suits us all. Now I've seen how fragile it all was anyway I'm glad.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/01/2017 21:06

Just go round,,,I would.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/01/2017 21:06

I'm not sure I could be bothered with someone I didn't want to live with after 8 years, a big flounce would push me over the edge. Maybe he just can't be arsed with the aggro, OP.

But then I can't imagine not living with DH so probably the wrong person to ask. I just think a lot of these kind of arguments are ironed out over the years when you live together. When you don't, situations like this become very "teenage flounce".

Maybe if you end up ironing things out then you really do need to start thinking about forming a proper relationship and moving in together. Living separately didn't work for Helena Bonham-Carter (and many others I'm sure)

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:07

Sorry I didn't answer fully. He sent me a text just saying 'sorry' within an hour. I didn't reply for 4 days. I then called - no answer. I've sent about 6 texts! Called 4 or 5 times.

OP posts:
Greenfingeredfun · 31/01/2017 21:08

I think he's punishing you for leaving him. Give him a little longer to cool off then try again Flowers

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:09

Thanks Curly. Funny - I always thought HBC & Tim Burton were living the dream! I was wrong...

Yes maybe you're right. Damn.

I think I will call round and see him. One last try.

OP posts:
category12 · 31/01/2017 21:09

After 8 years, if you can't go round and try to sort it out, I dunno.. Don't you have things at his place? It's not like you've only been together a short while.