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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 05/02/2017 20:28

You've both handled this badly, however I think you should stop trying to contact him now, he's clearly not interested.

RedDwarf4 · 05/02/2017 20:31

Ring from a different number or withold yours when you call, then you can see if he's blanking you or everyone.

Montane50 · 05/02/2017 20:47

You are now starting to appear unhinged, maybe theres more to it than him being reserved. You need to leave him alone now.

SparklyMagpie · 05/02/2017 20:51

OP you NEED to back off. The more you continue to try and contact him the more it's pushing him further and further

Leave it and if it's going to happen then he'll contact you, give him some breathing space

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 21:11

OK thanks. After all these years to be 'ghosted' it's exceptionally cruel. I feel distraught.

The ball could not be further in his court. I just have to leave it I know. Utterly heartbroken.

OP posts:
MrsGPie1974 · 05/02/2017 21:19

OP please don't be so hard on yourself. I know how much it hurts to be hurt by the man you love and over something fairly trivial.

Take this time to focus on YOU. Make yourself the best version of yourself. Not for him but for YOU. Be proud of yourself. Tell yourself you are good and kind and strong. Love yourself. If he's worth a grain of salt he'll stop punishing you / himself. If he doesn't - then you have to HAVE TO ask yourself if he DESERVES you. But please be kind to yourself. You deserve to be loved and appreciated. We all can have silly moods and arguments it's not all your fault!

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 21:28

I can't imagine I'll ever hear from him again after this. It's been two weeks now. After so many years how do I begin to cope?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 21:29

There are peopleN worse situations I know. Just never felt this low.

OP posts:
MrsGPie1974 · 05/02/2017 21:37

I've been with my DP for 2.5 years now and he's great. He lives alone and i live with my kids. He has his kids Weds nights and every other weekend. We spend every other weekend together but little time during the week. He only lives 10 minutes drive away.

I have to get up for my school run an hour before he has to for work and since my divorce I've bought a wreck that needs complete refurbishment. Frankly his house is now nicer to stay in so I spend my child-free weekends at his. These weekends are pretty awesome!

When we first met we talked about moving in and buying together. It was too soon into my split and wasn't yet divorced so slowed things due to this. He then seemed to falter on the idea - I think when he met my kidsHmm

Reality dawned that he'd be living full-time with mine and not his and had mixed feelings about how his kids would feel, etc. His cold feet put me off as I lost faith somewhat in our 'fairytale romance' - basically I took off my rose-tinted-glasses and woke up and realised I had to be sensible and not rush into something and risk maintenance and put immense pressure on our relationship.

Soooo, Inbought my own home and we live separately. Me in my project that needs to be done (starting soon) and him down the road a few miles, but I get lonely, and sometimes I want more. I have a couple of friends who have met people after me and moved in together and just gone for it. Part of me thinks they are mad and part of me is really envious. But they didn't have much at stake. I have my own home, maintenance, tax credits and three kids who need me.

We've discussed that when the kids are older one of us will sell a house and buy somewhere near the sea and we will split our time between the two. That'll be in over 10 years if I'm waiting for the kids to be old enough to move out.

Do I REALLY want that. I love DP but I think I want more....

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 21:43

MrsG thanks for sharing that, our situations do sound similar. Very good reasons (child related) for living separately, but the weekend / once or twice per week nature did often make me wonder if we were right. Surely if the relationship is perfect then you do move In together sooner rather than (years) later?

I had reconciled that though, and do love him. Though at this moment in time I'm more upset than anything.

I hope all works out well for you. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 21:52

Actually his weekend commitment was a bit of a trigger for me getting upset. I really thought we had the day together and that not being the case really highlighted the issue of separate lives.

Instant regret at leaving though. I feel an absolute fool.

OP posts:
MrsGPie1974 · 05/02/2017 21:56

When you only get every other weekend they are so precious. I get why you over-reacted and it's ok to not always be 'perfect'. If you can't make a mistake and be forgiven that's not ok. It's easy but to communicate fir four days when you don't live together. He sounds stubborn like my DP. Does he argue with others? Family members?

Have you missed your weekend together yet? That's usually when we sort out any disagreements as neither of us want to miss it.

PowerPantsRule · 05/02/2017 21:57

ilove - I have read the whole thread and just want to say I am sorry. I don't understand why you've been given such a kicking but I would imagine there are a fair few posters out there just feeling bad for you. It is so awful to be ghosted and I cannot imagine your pain after eight years. I think your idea of taking a letter over is perfect.

Regret and wanting to turn the clock back is a rotten feeling. I bet though, that is this does not work out for you (and I still think, given he has done this before that you and he stand a good chance) there will be someone out there for you who understands your need to talk and doesn't try to shut you down. One day.....Flowers

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 22:08

Thank you x

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 05/02/2017 22:24

ilove you do need to leave well alone now however difficult that may be, his silence is speaking volumes.

I think his behaviour towards you now is cruel it seems like he is enjoying you flagellating yourself and chanting 'mea culpa' and him being introverted or worried about his diagnosis is no excuse not to send a short text message to you.

Do you have anything of yours at his house? If so, I would suggest you go with a friend to collect it as soon as possible, if necessary ask your friend to contact him to make the arrangements if he won't respond to your friend either then just go and retrieve your possessions.

Someone who treats you like this is not worth you breaking your heart over, you admitted you were wrong, have made numerous attempts to apologise and rebuild the relationship and he has deliberately and hurtfully ignored every single one, he hasn't even got the courage or good manners to let you know that as far as he is concerned your relationship is over. Please don't waste any more of yourself over him.

PowerPantsRule · 06/02/2017 08:38

RedDogs I totally agree - it is horribly cruel, well said. What the OP did was not so terrible, especially after he has previous history of ghosting her!

To treat her like this now - even moving your car (!) - there is no excuse. OP take heart from the fact he is not the man you thought he was. He isn't worthy of you and your love.

It will be painful but the pain will decrease and you are honestly better off without him - leaving you free to find someone who is as open and honest and sweet as you.

Zucker · 06/02/2017 13:18

I feel for you OP, he shouldnt be ghosting you like this no matter how introverted he is. He is shaping how you should react to him really. If you both reconcile and in the future you get annoyed over something he says or does. Will you feel able to protest or argue or will you think twice for fear of this ghosting treatment again? Think seriously about that please.

HarmlessChap · 06/02/2017 13:47

The ghosting must be horrible and I do think that he should give her a definite answer but I suspect that since she finished the relationship he doesn't feel any obligation to engage with her anymore.

If someone put a thread up asking what to do if an ex wanted to rekindle a relationship several days after finishing it, but the poster didn't, I would expect at least one person to say block their number, block them on social media, ignore and move on.

Dowser · 06/02/2017 15:01

I vowed never again after my third odd year marriage ended.
Then I met someone thru old and we got on great and knew within 5 weeks we wanted to be together.
We lived about 25 miles from each other. I had kids still at home, son and grandson.
So I stayed at his on a weekend and one night during the week.
After my boys moved out, we still kept up our own homes. Till my dh become redundant.
It was a really lovely time. Do enjoy it mrs gpie . Especially if it's working.
Add another person into the mix and it's like a horse bet. The chances of disagreements goes up exponentially. Think of three horses, you've got a chance of three doubles and a treble, add in another horse and you've got so many more ways you have extra disagreements i.e. 6 doubles, 4 trebles and a four fold accumulator.

Do you see what I'm saying .then a fifth and you've gone from 11 chances to 26
A wager on 5 selections consisting of 26 bets: 10 doubles, 10 trebles, 5 four-fold's and a five-fold accumulator.

Much, much better to wait until the house calms downs a bit and a few leave. My cousin's husband took on four little ones and he had a really rough time of it..plus he had on his own two.
The time you have now is so special. Lovely as it is it does get very mundane at times. Dh moved in 5 years ago .i wouldn't change it now but I'd miss the special time.

RedDogsBeg · 06/02/2017 17:19

Also bear in mind ilove that looking after someone who is very ill is incredibly difficult and stressful, many a 'solid' relationship has crumbled under the strain, and if he is treating you like this now he is likely to be hundreds of times worse when the illness kicks in.

I know you feel you really loved him but I think you need to get angry because the way he is treating you is despicable.

Harmless he hasn't blocked her number though and quite honestly I think it is bad behaviour, whatever the sex of the person, to not have the courage and good manners to respond with just a short message, even if all that message says is something to the effect of "Thanks but no thanks." If that doesn't work then go down the block route.

WannaBe · 06/02/2017 17:24

The OP was the one doing the ghosting though. For four days.

I get that the OP is upset now that she wants the relationship back, but the reality here is that she ended the relationship and then expected to come back when she'd calmed down.

If someone posted on here that They'd had a row with their partner of eight years, that the partner had stormed out saying it was over and hadn't spoken to her for four days and now. Was calling and texting constantly the overwhelming advice would be that she should block and move on. and he's not obliged to block, and he doesn't owe her anything. She ended the relationship.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 06/02/2017 17:48

WannaBe

All you've said is a rehashed version of what's been already said many, many times. You're just putting the boot in and it's unnecessary.

I'll be hiding this thread now bu thanks for all of the opinions, especially where posters have been so generous as to share their experiences. Flowers

OP posts:
user87654321 · 06/02/2017 23:12

Hi, he will come back. Just give him time. Can I ask you why you were so upset about his plans that Saturday? Was it because your time with him would be shortened or just that he overlooked you? Something made you angry/sad that day.

loveyoutothemoon · 07/02/2017 18:45

How you feeling OP?

Happyfoodie50 · 07/02/2017 21:28

Just reading your situation is how my partner treats me when we argue over really silly things and then he shuts me out sometimes for weeks. We once had a huge argument over him meeting up with a female work colleague and not telling me and he just went off on one and told me I had a trust issue and ghosted me for 5 months . This behaviour is abusive. I would give him a wide berth .. look up the no contact rule and stick to it. He will cool down when he decides. The shutting you out is causing the immense grief and creating a trauma bond. Only time apart will lesson the emotion. It's emotional abuse when someone acts this way. My partner and I live separately for 9 years. It suits us but often when we argue we storm off to our own houses and this creates these situations. Men can be emotionally imature and often just want space but usually calm down after a couple of days.Hes not worth crying over if he's behaving so cruelly . Read psychopath free.