I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

[Ilovetorrentialrain]

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

Tbh in your situation I think I'd write a handwritten letter saying that I'd behaved incredibly badly (feel free to go into some detail ) and that i know that in his shoes I'd have felt absolutely furious and gutted and I wouldn't be speaking to me either. But that I love him and that if he gives me a second chance I will swear never to do it again.

Then physically put it through his door.

Only if you're sure you really want to though! Poor communication is a killer in these relationships. You have to be able to say 'oh cock, I thought we were doing something together today. I feel really embarrassed now. Bugger' without feeling that you've somehow humiliated yourself.

The fact that your response was based on embarrassment/humiliation makes me think underlying this you don't feel valued by him/think you feel more strongly about him than he does about you? (This might be massive projection on my part - the only times I've dramatically dumped people have been when I secretly think they don't like me as much as I like them)

Tres I've said all of that in texts (to no response) - do you think a letter is in some way different? I'll try anything!

How long since the text has it been?

The last text was about an hour ago! Inspired by this thread - to apologise, tell him I love him and miss him. I tried to call too. I'm now borderting on making a bigger tit of myself by texting so much.

I too think he's punishing you! You do know silent treatment is a form of abuse? I too am in a long relationship without living together both in late 40's .We have teenagers and are waiting until they leave for uni but we often have disagreements, really minor and he'll completely overreact and cut me off. Sometimes for weeks. During this time I'll be bereft , hardly function and then he'll contact me out of the blue as if nothing's happened. When things are good between us it's amazing so don't want to break up but when this happens I know it's abusive and can't understand how he can ignore me. Once I went round and he just ignored me at the door. I saw him in the kitchen . I think some men would rather dish out the silent treatment, sulk and get on with there life as if nothing happened.I would ignore him until he contacts you. Don't text him anymore.

Ah well - if it were me I'd still be sulking. I am a massive sulker though, not my best personality trait. I'd expect a few repeat performances, turning up dramatically on doorsteps, hanging around outside my workplace etc. (Some people would find this really creepy though...)

I can't get over how stilted your communication is after 8 years together.

Did you really have to get up and rush off because he was going out. I know in our situation if DP had to go out to deal with something for the kids I would stay in bed / take a shower / make myself some breakfast. I wouldn't have to rush out because he was going out. Neither would DP at my place.

That seems odd to me.

As does the "Sorry", "Me too" text exchange.

"I honestly thought We'd get old together.... My plan is to leave it a couple of weeks"

I'm really not getting this lacklustre approach.
I would write him a proper letter, either on paper or an email, rather than just texting. Apologise, say you miss him and you want to work on your relationship.

I'll try anything!

Apart from go and see him, write to him, send a card, or grovel in any way!

Bit I didn't have to leave - I could have easily stuck around, had a lazy morning - I just reacted badly and flounced - as I've said again and again - it's so regrettable but it's what I did. If I'd have not reacted off the cuff, emotionally, then this situation would not be happening.

I've had real trouble adapting to / getting my head round the medical issue too - it has massive ramifications for our relationship - I struggled to deal with it - not as much as him of course but I'm all over the place - it's a massive deal. He hasn't told anyone else - so I can'tdiscuss it IRL as it would be breaking a confidence - it's so hard.

Happyfoodie if the silent treatment is abuse does that mean op is abusive because she told him the relationship was over, left her key, flounced out and ignored him for four days despite him texting to apologise and indeed the fact that the argument was op's fault in the first place?

Just go and see him for goodness sakes. You have been each other's DP for eight years and you think sending a card might be "a bit much".

Take flowers / beer / whatever. Turn up naked. I dunno. Just put some bloody effort in!

op, is it possible he thinks the medical diagnosis may have changed your feelings towards him and the relationship? If it is life altering he could be feeling quite insecure.

I hope it works out for you, everyone deserves a second chance.

You probably have to wait it out and see. You told him it was over, he waited 4 days thinking it was whilst you got over your hissy fit.

He is staring down the barrel of what is almost certainly a life changing/limiting illness and had 4 days of thinking that if this woman behaves like a spoilt brat over a date mix up then how is she going to deal with (insert name of illness)

In his shoes i'd rather be thinking this isnt someone I can trust when the shit really hits the fan.

Bit I really want to! I've counted - it's been 10 texts and 5 calls. Is turning up not a bit... stalkerish? If the consensus is no - I'm going round there!

I've had real trouble adapting to / getting my head round the medical issue too - it has massive ramifications for our relationship - I struggled to deal with it - not as much as him of course but I'm all over the place - it's a massive deal. He hasn't told anyone else - so I can'tdiscuss it IRL as it would be breaking a confidence - it's so hard.

I think you need to put yourself in his shoes for a minute. It looks as though you've engineered a fight to get out of the relationship because of the effect his medical issue could have on you both. It looks bad, tbh and if I were in his shoes I'd feel very let down by your 'it's over' flounce and would feel that I couldn't trust or rely on you to be there for me.

Don't be so hard on yourself OP. Instead of spending all your time fretting over him use this time to make yourself feel good! Get to sleep earlier, read, exercise....You could surprise visit in a few day when you feel stronger, perhaps on a no kids weekend.when he should be in.

Go with the notion of putting matters to bed one way or another. You had a tiff. A bad one but if he loved you he wouldn't be able to leave you. Have you considered that he may feel he's doing you a favour by sparing him from his illness?

Sometimes a serious / life-altering / threatening illness makes one re-evaluate life and perhaps he no longer sees you as a priority. Either way I think you deserve to know. So confront the issue!

Happy yes - it's life altering. It's knocked his confidence a bit. It has the potential to seriously change the dynamic of our relationship (as it was). Amongst other things of course - work, physical ability etc.

Do you always overreact to such minor issues? You forgetting the school thing was an inconvenience at most. Most people would have been annoyed with themselves, but gotten over it fairly quickly. If you have form for flying off the handle like this, maybe he's done. Especially if he's struggling with a medical issue; it probably feels like an awful lot of drama.

Tatty yes agree that's how it could look. In reality that much thought didn't go into it! I didn't think at all - I was just upset and reacted.

I'm convinced that your argument wasn't really about his leaving suddenly for an open day visit - that was a red herring. Rather, you are both struggling with his diagnosis, and you are both afraid. You are afraid of the ramifications of his illness, and he is afraid of being abandoned because of his illness. Your leaving so dramatically may have subliminally confirmed that fear for him.

I wonder if this sudden rift over something which is, to be fair, quite trivial, is a symptom of the shock of learning about his condition and the impact it will have. Starting with your over-reaction, and culminating in him going off radar.

He is hurting now because he trusted you with this life-changing upheaval, but you flounced over a small thing. He is protecting himself. But I don't think all is lost...don't give up. Keep reassuring him that you made a mistake and reacted badly. It won't happen again and he can still trust you.

I really hope he comes back to you.

I would go round OP. He can't have just ended it after eight years over a silly tiff! I expect he's hurt you ignored him and angry but if you go round and show him how you feel he can't just ignore you and you'll see his true feelings. Sometimes when I'm away from DH (eg. At work) I think about a silly disagreement or really small thing and get really angry and worked up and decide I'm having it out with him that night! When he walks through the door I realise I've worked myself up and been unfair and actually I just want to hug him. Seeing someone face to face is SO different. You're not a stalker/ you're still his partner now. Of 8 years. Good luck.

putting (and how appropriate you u/n is for me right now!) - struggling massively - yes. Scared? Absolutely.

I've felt for a long time I need to cry about it - talk for hours about it - but nobody else (apart from the docs) know - he doesn't want that genie out of the bottle yet.. Not being selfish there - he doesn't want to talk so I'm not saying 'I need' in a selfish way - it's just honestly what I do need.