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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:26

Just after 8 years? Wow.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/01/2017 21:27

DO you actually genuinely love him, OP?

Shockers · 31/01/2017 21:30

You didn't reply to his apology for four days?

I'd be very upset if I were him.

I think you need to ask him before you turn up. Have you asked whether you can go round to see him?

gleam · 31/01/2017 21:31

Hope it works out for you. Flowers

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:31

Curly I don't know. I thought so - had no idea it was all this fragile. It's making me doubt things. We're both introverts, not a large number of friends, we are each other's best mate - or so I thought. Huge 'chemistry'. Massive strain recently because of his condition - both physically - and the mental impact on him. It's been a huge blow and to be honest I don't think either if us has got our heads round it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:32

Shockers - I would but I can't send the 10th (or whatever it would be now) text he doesn't reply to - he really isn't teplying to me so I can't ask.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 31/01/2017 21:34

So ten days ago you had a disagreement with your BF of eight years. An hour later he sent you a 'sorry' message which you ignored for four days. You've now decided to contact him but he's ignoring you.
Ive no idea if this is 'normal' for your relationship but I think he's double bluffed you and ended it. Sorry.

MrsBlennerhassett · 31/01/2017 21:34

I think if its really important to you to save the relationship you should send a card to him in the post. Inside you should keep it really simple dont get into a one sided rant about how you feel, just say that you are very sorry for what happened and how it must have made him feel, and that if he wants to get in touch you would be happy to speak to him further about it, and that you love him.
Then just leave it and see if he contacts you. If hes as introverted as you say it may just take him a long time to get his head around what has happened.

diddl · 31/01/2017 21:35

So he apologised for something that he hadn't done, you ignored it & now you're pissed off that he's not jumping to answer your messages?

Blimey!

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2017 21:35

Ilovetorrentialrain sorry to hear this.

It sounds quite complicated.

The fact you have been together 8 years and not moved in together. Maybe he is not the right one for you. But he has been with you 8 years and he is unwell and has this appointment.

You asked for advice, here is what I would do, do it or not as you see fit but this is my honest answer.

I would write him a letter apologizing and saying I did not know why I felt it so long to contact back, I realize this must be hurtful. (your own words).

I'd say that I would be popping by in a few days to see him and if he did not want me to do this he needed to ring me for a chat.

I would say I still wanted to be together (if you do) and that I wanted to come with him for his appointment.

I would follow the letter with a visit once I was sure he got the letter (be tempted to pop it trough the door when he was out rather than trust Royal Mail).

Whether you both want to remain 'an item' or not after this bust up, you can still go with him for his medical appointment and be there for him.

If you never argue and then one argument ends an 8 year relationship it really sounds like your relationship was in trouble! Maybe you or he just did not realize it.

Maybe ending it is right but better to end with some degree of closure and a chance to support him - rather than this rather childish ignoring that he is doing (don't tell him you think it is childish!).

If you really want to stay together, fight for him. If you are ready to move on, do so but with closure and ideally an understanding that this is what is happening.

I know it is so crass but I do like Sex and the City and I love Carrie getting her own way here by sheer bloody persistence.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:35

Penfold yes that's a possibility. :(

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 31/01/2017 21:36

Sorry I meant that others have accused him of sulking.

And you certainly put rather a gloss on your behaviour in the op didn't you?

"I left it for a few days" = "I ignored his apology for 4 days"

"It was quite one-sided" = "I completely overreacted after I did nothing wrong"

Do you actually want to get back with him? As a pp said, you've not mentioned love.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/01/2017 21:37

After he did nothing wrong

OlennasWimple · 31/01/2017 21:40

I don't know that normal relationship advice really applies to such an unconventional relationship TBH...

If you hadn't already sent the text you just have, I would have said something about being willing to go with him to his upcoming medical appointment if he still wanted you to go

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:40

Italian thank you. That you took the time to respond like that - thoughtful and spot on - has touched me.

(I love SATC).

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BitOutOfPractice · 31/01/2017 21:42

And btw my bf and I have been together for 4 years don't live together for perfectly valid reasons (kids settled at schools, both live near exDPs with whom we share custody etc.). There are lots of reasons why couples nowadays with existing families don't live together so I'm not sure why PPs are getting so hung up on conventional family units.

FinnMcCool · 31/01/2017 21:43

I think your update makes a clearer picture.

He had a commitment which he had told you about and had forgotten. You flounced out when reminded of it. He apologised and you ignored the apology for 4 days.

And now he's ignoring you. You were massively in the wrong.

Up to you if you want to grovel enough to make up, or let it go.

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2017 21:44

Thanks hope it works out OP.

Quartz2208 · 31/01/2017 21:48

What was the first message you sent back. After 8 years he probably feels hurt that a misunderstanding (about an event that he was fair to go to) led to being ignored for 4 days. Have you apologised

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2017 21:48

Practice if you don't want to live together that is 100% fine. I know one person in a longish term relationship and they don't live together but are now engaged and moving in together. So I guess this is what most people do. When people are not living together I guess it does allow for things to be different. It would be very hard for me and dh not to speak to each other for 4 days as we live together. So i think people are tailoring their replies to the situation not judging the OP.

Finn the thread is called 'I've thrown my relationship away - devastated' I think the OP realises it is her fault or she would not have used those words, surely.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 31/01/2017 21:49

Maybe he's struggling to deal with this on top of his illness and he'd rather turn his back on you than try and deal with it? You say he is an introvert and you don't argue, maybe he can't deal with confrontation. I can't and have ended friendships rather than deal with the issues.

loveyoutothemoon · 31/01/2017 21:50

Sorry but you overreacted massively and you've ignored him for days, if I were you I'd be telling him that I overreacted and was wrong to ignore him.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/01/2017 21:50

Italian has good advice. I Hope you manage to work it out with him if you rEally want to, OP, and not JUST because this is an 8 year relationship. Sometimes even longer relationships than that break up eventually and it is the right thing to do for both parties.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:53

To be clear he made no mention of the appointment the previous evening - not one word. We were lazing in bed on the Saturday morning then he just suddenly said 'right I'd better get off'.

I was disappointed, embarrassed etc - it brought into sharp focus how little we communicate about day to day stuff really. Yes it's quite unconventional not to live together after this number of years. The cracks are showing then I suppose.

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Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:54

loveyoutothe moon I have - well I've tried (texts / tried to call) - I've apologised, said I handled it wrong, asked to please talk etc. Not a lot else I can say.

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