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Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
Greenfingeredfun · 31/01/2017 21:10

He might be thinking 'oh so now YOURE ready to go back to how things were.. well IM not now!'

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:11

How long though? How long would you leave it before trying again? Days, weeks?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:12

Green - yes and that would be fair enough. I wish he'd say though rather than just not speaking. If that's the case it would ve very wrong of me to just turn up unannounced.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/01/2017 21:12

" he said he was off out for the day - a family commitment. "

Just re-read this. If you lived together you would be each other's family. You would be going WITH him to the family function/whatever it is.

The relationship you're in is not the "norm" by any means. The problems with this type of uncommitted relationship become apparent after a while as you've found. After 8 years you either love him and want to be with him as his family or you don't. Otherwise it may as well be friends with benefits, surel?

gleam · 31/01/2017 21:13

I wonder if he didn't like your radio silence, as that's normally his go-to strategy, so he's serving it back to you?

thisismyfirsttime · 31/01/2017 21:15

I don't think you should go round (as long as you think he's ok) because he'll have seen your calls, txts etc and could respond if he wanted to. It does seem to me a bit inappropriate to then force it. But perhaps it's because you said you were leaving and not coming back that he's disengaged, some people just have no time for things like that. Either way, he knows how to contact you and if he wants to he will. Although then you'd have to work from there as to whether you'd want to be with someone who can cut you off like this.

Sassypants82 · 31/01/2017 21:15

While I agree he may be over reacting, it's not nice to be on the receiving end of somebody leaving & ignoring you. Perhaps he doesn't want to risk what he perceives to be an insecure relationship with you any longer.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/01/2017 21:16

I will go so far as to suggest that you were subconsciously testing him, OP. You wanted to see how committed he was to you. Like I say, this argument would not have happened if you had been a real family unit because it would have been part of your day to day discussions and chit chat. I think this is your subconscious's way of testing exactly what this relationship is. Can you live without each other? Will he want to work it out once and for all?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:16

The family commitment was to do with his children - a school viewing - it's not my business - nothing I should have been to.

Hard to hear but yes you're right - maybe me not being ready to live together as a family is because he's not the right man.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 31/01/2017 21:17

You also ignored him for 4 days before starting back your response - how do you think he felt for those 4 days?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 31/01/2017 21:17

So he was getting ready for a commitment he told you about weeks ago, you forgot, flounced off saying you wouldn't be back, he texted within an hour saying sorry which you ignored for 4 days and after 8 years together, you won't live together and say you are a slow burner!

Not sure I blame him tbh. You sound like hard work.

Greenfingeredfun · 31/01/2017 21:17

Why don't you send a text saying ' I love you, I miss you and I'm sorry. I really want to work things out. Ring me when you're ready to talk'. Balls in his court then Brew

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:18

Thanks for the replies - I really apprecaite it. Not talked to anyone about this IRL.

OP posts:
Greenfingeredfun · 31/01/2017 21:19

Only if you feel that way and want to work things out though of course!

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:19

Green I have. Just now.

OP posts:
Agadooo · 31/01/2017 21:21

Green finger message sounds perfect.

needmymouthsewnup · 31/01/2017 21:22

To be fair, he tried to break the ice by saying sorry and you left it 4 days! I'm hardly surprised he's annoyed, especially if it was over something reasonably trivial.

I would prob just call round and apologise and ask if you can talk to him now you've both had chance to think and see where it goes from there.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:22

OK. I'll leave it with that message - ball's firmly in his court.

HarryPotter 'You sound like hard work.' - yep - fair play.

I won't go round - much as I want to.

Thanks everyone, so much.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 31/01/2017 21:23

Of course you should just go round. It sounds like you hardly know each other after 8 years.

And it's a bit rich to be accusing him of sulking when it was you that ignored his apology for 4 days.

You both sound as bad as each other

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/01/2017 21:24

Yes I was also about to say what Quartz said. He offered an olive branch (after YOU'D flounced, remember, not him - he didn't actually do anything wrong) and you didn't reply for 4 days.

Look, it's very simple. If you love him and can't love without him (although love doesn't seem to have beeen mentioned by you so far) then you need to lay everything on the line, go round there and tell him that you are sorry, that you love him and it's made you realise that you need to make new little family unit with him if he wants to.

If either of you are having doubts about that or have realised that actually there is no real love there, just fondness and familiarity, then personally I think you should cut your losses and forget the whole thing.

Greenfingeredfun · 31/01/2017 21:25

Hope he puts you out of your misery soon! Good luck ilove

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:25

BotOutofPractice I haven't accused him of sulking! Where did you get that from?

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 31/01/2017 21:26

Tbh OP after being ignored for 4 days I'd be done

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 21:26

Thanks Green

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/01/2017 21:26

Ok, you didn't respond to him for four days and you're pissed and upset he's not responding same day to you, that's kind of unreasonable, sounds like you exoect him to jump whenever you decide. I'd agree on hindsight, don't go round. He didn't come to you when you were ignoring him.