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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
whydididothatt · 31/01/2017 22:49

I also agree with others that in light of his recent diagnoses he will be looking at everything from that perspective- it would make sense that he is a bit paranoid and extra sensitive at this time and may think either:

You caused an argument because you're not sure about remaining with him in the light of his illness

Or

He feels a level of misplaced guilt and shame about his illness and doesn't want to involve you in caring for him etc.

It sounds such a shame and I don't think you can let your relationship go over this. Just prove to him you care.

steff13 · 31/01/2017 22:53

I've felt for a long time I need to cry about it - talk for hours about it - but nobody else (apart from the docs) know - he doesn't want that genie out of the bottle yet.. Not being selfish there - he doesn't want to talk so I'm not saying 'I need' in a selfish way - it's just honestly what I do need.

So, talk about it. Talk to a therapist. Talk on an anonymous forum (like this one, for instance).

user128057 · 31/01/2017 22:55

I'm a bit like you OP. I say what's on my mind without thinking about the consequences. If I was you I'd send one more text or a card as others have said apologising and admitting you were in the wrong and then leave him to get back in contact. Maybe he just needs time to think about things (including his recent diagnosis) maybe you both need to speak to "professional people" to help you both come to terms with things. Hope everything works out ok for you both .

JustSpeakSense · 31/01/2017 22:55

Your last text to him said 'the balls in your court'. So now you really have to go silent and let him see that the texting and calls will not continue forever, if he wants to talk he is going to have to reach out.

Suzytwoshoes · 31/01/2017 22:56

God woman get yourself round there! No it's not stalkerish! 8 years is a long time ! if you can't turn up at his house after a silly disagreement then your relationship was not really very strong at all!
I must admit if this was me I'd be getting very nervous at the lack of reply by now! Are you sure he's ok? For example you know he's been at work, on Facebook etc in this time?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 22:57

JustSpeak - No I didn't say 'the ball's in your court' - I apologised, told him I love him and asked him to ring me. So the ball is in his court though.

OP posts:
Lynnm63 · 31/01/2017 22:58

Could you make an excuse to go round, something along the lines of I left my favourite earrings, cd whatever can I come over and get it. Then once you're there sit down and have a long chat explaining how you feel and how his diagnosis knocked you for six. Obviously make it clear you know it's a 100 times worst for him. You'll have given it your best shot and you'll at least know if it's over as it's easy to misinterpret texts etc.
Wishing you luck op.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 22:59

Suzy I will. You (and others who have said go round) are right. It's actually what I want to do anyway. Don't know about work and he doesn't use social media at all.

OP posts:
CalmItKermitt · 31/01/2017 23:00

Oh ffs go round! Assargh!!

joanslegs · 31/01/2017 23:01

Yep - go round, if only to get full closure for yourself

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 23:03

OK thanks everyone. Flowers I'll go on Friday.

OP posts:
puttingthegenieback · 31/01/2017 23:04

I really feel for you both, OP. I agree with others that the two of you may just need to see each other and speak in person; it might be exactly what you need to break down the barrier that is all the unspoken stuff you are both carrying around concerning his illness. I suspect you and your partner need the kind of sharing and honesty and reassurance that you can really only give each other.

SarfEast1cated · 31/01/2017 23:06

I have only read your post (which I know is bad form but it's late). I am curious as to why you say you 'never argue'. How does that work? Do you always back down, does he? I just wonder if he feels he might pussy foot around you, and that this is the final straw? I have a tendency to flip like you did and my DH completely hates it. He finds it really unsettling and upsetting. We have talked it through a lot and I don't do it now. Well I do it a bit but we understand each other better now. I think you need to send a card, or something, ask to talk and then discuss how you can avoid this happening again. You can't just skulk off.

TattyCat · 31/01/2017 23:08

Friday? Why Friday? What's wrong with Wed or Thu?

JustSpeakSense · 31/01/2017 23:09

Oh I see.

Good luck waiting till Friday, if he avoids talking and honestly ends 8 years after one argument (no matter how bad that argument was) then I think the relationship was obviously very troubled, and if he won't fight for you (or even pick the phone up) then he is just not worth it.

Hopefully it won't come to this and after a few days alone he'll start to miss you as much as you miss him.

Keep us posted x

laurzj82 · 31/01/2017 23:13

I agree go round. Flouncing or not if it's over then you need to talk face to face. Good luck OP Flowers I'm a flounser too but working on it

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 23:20

Thanks everyone. Yes I will report back. You've all been fab and I appreciate all the advice. Very perceptive comments too and will help my thoughts on this as I mull it over.

OP posts:
Trustyourself2 · 31/01/2017 23:36

What a shame for your relationship to end this way, if it does. You can make amends, but you have to do it in person. Talk to each other openly and don't leave anything out. If you want to be with him, you'll have to make the first move to demonstrate how you feel about him.

Do you have to wait until Friday? Can't you go asap?

Good luck. I hope all turns out the way you want it to.

springydaffs · 31/01/2017 23:56

I don't get it. You left it four days before you responded to his 'sorry' text. Wow, that must have been torture for him. It looks like you were punishing him.

Now you're worrying about being too full on by going round/texting/trying to contact - it's not a new relationship! It's ok to grovel and be 'a tit' in an established relationship.

Now you're saying you will go round.. but on Friday! It's Tuesday today . And you're climbing the walls in desperation.

Why so cool and guarded?? In a LT very established relationship. I just don't get it.

ChishandFips33 · 01/02/2017 00:27

...have you checked with his family that anyone has heard from him?

Do you know that he's (physically) ok!

The row and his medical diagnosis must be s lot for him to cope with atm

ChishandFips33 · 01/02/2017 00:28

Sorry, that should have been a ? not a ! after ok

DistanceCall · 01/02/2017 00:29

Go now, OP. Swallow your pride. Love always requires it, at some point. Now's the time.

tommytippedup · 01/02/2017 00:53

When people were encouraging you to go round, I think you'll find they meant now or tomorrow. Not Friday Confused

SparklyMagpie · 01/02/2017 06:57

Another one not understanding why you're happy to wait till Friday to go see him, I can't believe you didnt go last night?Confused

BitOutOfPractice · 01/02/2017 07:02

I also don't know why you're waiting till Friday (unless you have childcare issues). In fact, if he has an important hospital appointment on Friday I think that is completely the wrong day to go

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