I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

[Ilovetorrentialrain]

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

Yes I 100% realise it's my fault.

Oh sorry.

School viewing on a Saturday??

Good luck, OP.

What did you text him 4 days after his 'sorry'?

I also don't live with my OH after some years, owing to family circs etc. It can be bloody difficult.

X post.

I don't understand why you waited 4 days to reply to his "sorry".

Were you really that cross with him? It doesn't seem possible.
Are there any underlying issues in your relationship that stopped you getting in touch sooner?

X post

Yes Love - open day for independent school. He wasn't making it up - it really was happening.

Lineys I said 'me too'

There must be some part of you that wanted to throw the relationship away, or you wouldn't have done it.

Could you not say how you feel in a card
eg
'I over-reacted the other day and I regret it and apologise. I miss you and love you and want us to be together. However, I have had numerous goes at contacting you and you are not responding so I am thinking you don't want that. If I don't hear from you this time, I will leave you alone although I will be really sad that we have ended up apart after all this time and everything we have together.'

Then he knows and you know- the line is there and he has to cross it.

If it were me, I'd go round and see him. Good luck. x

Lulu I've said all of that in texts. Thanks though.

I think 'me too' after 4 days is too little too late.

Although TBH, I am wondering how close you actually are if you can't communicate over this. I would be questioning if it is the kind of relationship I wanted.

Well, if you have said all of that and he has not responded, you have your answer. I would leave him to it.

Do you know that he's deffo OK?
The condition that he's got, he won't have taken ill and collapsed other anything will he??

Dalmation no it's not like that.

Damn I think it must be over then. I honestly thought we'd get old together.

I think you thought that, after four days of ignoring him and making him think you'd ended the relationship, he would fall into your arms when you eventually deigned to contact him - but he has called your bluff.

Really quite cruel to flounce, leave your key and ignore his (unnecessary) apology when he was attending a child-related event that he'd told you about, particularly as he's dealing with a serious illness.

I'd back off for a few days, give him a chance to calm down and miss you, and go round with a genuine apology.

OK. My plan then is to leave it a couple of weeks. if I've still not heard pop round to see if we can talk.

I'm absolutely gutted. I just want to hold him - I don't think I realised just how I felt until now.

OK, he won't have done anything 'stupid'?
My first thought would be that's he's unwell or done something to harm himself

I don't live with my DP for very similar reasons - I've got teenagers and don't want to move a man they haven't chosen into their home. It's not that unusual.

But if my DP (whom I do love) dumped me in a tantrum over something that wasn't my fault I'd be massively fucking pissed off and he'd be very lucky to hear from me again within several weeks, if ever.

Sorry OP, not meaning to hammer you over the head, just wanted to say his reaction isn't unreasonable IMO. From his point of view it must feel as though you didn't value him or the relationship at all to finish with him over something a) trivial and b) your fault.

I think you need to decide how bad your communication issues are and whether they can be resolved.

If you want him back (having thought about it) - grovelling time.

The fact that you're willing to say 'maybe this is it, it's finished' (instead of 'I'll do whatever I can to make this right') suggests that he might not be wrong in thinking you're just not that into him. If my DP had done this I would expect massive, insistent begging and grovelling for several weeks and I would maintain an ice maiden demeanour throughout.

I'd use the time for reflection on what you're getting out of the relationship. It seems quite fragile for a long-term thing.

I admit it seems an overreaction, but then you saying it's over and not talking to him over the same thing probably hurt him also.

Tres 'massive, insistent begging and grovelling' - well I wouldn't go that far but I've sent him abut 10 messages, called a few times - just no answer - I'm trying believe me!

I willdo whatever it takes to make it righ but how can I if he won't speak to me. Hence me saying I think this must be it - I don't want that - of course not! But - seriously, I'd love to know what else can I do?

Why don't you send a text saying ' I love you, I miss you and I'm sorry. I really want to work things out. Ring me when you're ready to talk'. Balls in his court then brew

this
I would also add "sorry I was totally unreasonable / an idiot / childish / for my tantrum / not sure what came over me" delete as appropriate
seriously, if you haven't said that clearly before, I certainly would