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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does he all of a sudden need his privacy

160 replies

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 13/01/2017 18:55

My OH and I have been together for 4 years with 2 DC together. We are going through a rough patch ATM , our youngest child has recently been diagnosed. With a chromosome deletion and we are struggling (not knowing what his future holds)
Along side this we have huge financial problems that are quite recent due to me not being able to work until we have a more stable diagnosis for our ds . We have no real family to speak of (both sets of parents have passed away) so we literally never have any time together.
Anyway we have 2 joint accounts 1 that we pay bills and buy shopping from that we both have access too, and one that he controls (child benefit goes into this one ) today I asked to have a look at the one he controls just to clock up how much petrol is costing us, and he became cagey 😕, said he would read it out to me etc but that he didn't want me to look at it as 'he deserves some privacy' ....but it's a joint account! He became very angry very quickly stormed out and went to the bank and took himself off the account and surrendered his card! . I mean wtf ! I have no access to the account that the child benefit goes into , and now neither does he .
I have asked him what he is hiding and he is just getting angry . Saying I deserve some privacy 😥It's really out of character for him, but I can't just let it go. as he has said he does not want me to know what he spends his money on.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2017 19:01

But it's not his money

RainbowsandLemonDrops · 13/01/2017 19:02

Can you log onto internet banking and see what's on there?

If not, go into your local bank and get one printed off!

He's hiding something.

Imfree · 13/01/2017 19:04

How can he take himself off the account? I would check that out as when I tried to do that I was informed the whole account had to be closed.

Hassled · 13/01/2017 19:06

If it's a joint account you can get access quite easily - go into your branch with lots of ID and see what they say. And you're right - his reaction is dodgy as hell. He's guilty about something - but bear in mind it could be something minor, an embarrassment rather than an unforgivable sin, IYSWIM.

CocktailQueen · 13/01/2017 19:06

Why does he control it? that's odd. His whole reaction sounds off to me. YY to getting a statement printed out and finding out what's on there.

Rioja123 · 13/01/2017 19:07

Go to the bank tomorrow if you don't have your own log in details

ImperialBlether · 13/01/2017 19:10

I'd be onto that so fast!

He's clearly been using that money for something that he shouldn't. It doesn't sound as though he's just taking cash out, otherwise he could excuse that. You need to go to the bank tomorrow, if you don't have internet banking. He can't destroy any evidence; the bank won't allow that.

Why was he the person in control of that account anyway?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2017 19:10

If your name is also on the account he can't close it without your permission. Go to the bank ASAP and get a printout of the accounts activity. Don't let your partner control you.

category12 · 13/01/2017 19:18

Just go down to the bank and find out what's going on. If it's joint, there's no difficulty there.

At least it's not overdrawn as he couldn't take himself off it without clearing that.

eandh · 13/01/2017 19:20

I work in a bank and in our one you can't remove yourself without other person . Signing form to agree sole ownership of account, you can however close a joint bank account as 95% of them are set up as either signatory to sign so if one account holder requests closure we have to act on that instruction

Original poster

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 13/01/2017 19:23

As crazy as it (now) seems I have no log in details and he won't give them to me! So I will need to go into the bank with ID etc. I've asked him if it's in the red and he insists it isn't . Just that I have no need/right to look at it .😥

OP posts:

category12 · 13/01/2017 19:25

If he's really taken himself off the account, it is in credit - you can't do it if it's overdrawn. I know this.

So that bit is true. Wtf is going on with him, I don't know.

sanityisamyth · 13/01/2017 19:37

My ExH controlled our joint account t. Only found out when we separated what had been going on. His salary didn't go into it (mine did) but into his own private account, yet he withdrew £56,000 in cash from the joint account in 8 years. No idea where it's gone or what it was spent on. This was after all the bills etc were paid so wasn't into the household. We never had any holidays, nice cars, meals out etc. He stole £56,000 of my money. Joint accounts are the work of the devil is you have a controlling and financially abusive OH.

Thattimeofyearagain · 13/01/2017 19:43

He's either gambling or using prostitutes.

mistermagpie · 13/01/2017 19:47

You can't just take yourself off a joint account. The account needs both signatures for something like that (trust me, I spent ages trying to get myself of a joint account with exDH and it was impossible without his signature). He's lying about that and probably about a few other things as well.

Alfiemoon1 · 13/01/2017 19:55

I used to work for a bank and we couldn't remove a name from a joint account but could close it. Could u ring telephone banking or go into a branch. Have you told him you will go and get statements from the branch. If so what was his reaction?

SandyY2K · 13/01/2017 20:11

Once you go to the bank you can get all the info and request log in details for internet banking. He's obviously hiding something finance related.

if he wants privacy, then he should get an account in his name only, but if he's gotten so angry about it, then you have a problem on your hands.

Wheelycote · 13/01/2017 20:22

He sounds like he's being self defensive big style..,...it causes distraction....you trying to figure out what his deal is...,means your not looking at the account.

Ignore his reaction and focus on your finances and where your at with that bank account. If you need contact child benefit people and change were its paid into.

Whatabloodyidiot1 · 13/01/2017 20:31

That's not a normal reaction. You know that. What you have to do now is find out what's triggering such an ott response.
So it's a joint account? In that case you can have full and clear access to all the transactions regardless of whether you've forgotten log in details etc. Most banks are open on Saturday mornings, go tomorrow with your bank card or other forms of id and get the last few months statements printed off.
If it were me I would tell my husband what I was planning to do and say 'this is your chance to be honest with me before I go and find out the truth for myself'
He's going to have been spending money on something he knows you won't approve of given your current financial situation. My bet is online gambling, porn sites, trips to pubs/restaurants etc.
You need to find out and go from there.

aquamarina100 · 13/01/2017 20:46

I agree with everything that's been said. You really need to get to the bottom of this. Go with I.D and get the statements. It really sounds like it could be debt, gambling or paid for porn.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/01/2017 21:21

Is the child benefit in your name, I would set up a new account in your own name and have it paid into that in future.

He is obviously doing something he shouldn't otherwise he wouldn't have an issue with giving you the information.

BonnyScotland · 13/01/2017 22:44

this is appalling... he is hiding something MAJOR... by his reaction...

you must get to the bank and access everything...

do not ignore this HUGE RED FLAG

Original poster

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 14/01/2017 07:48

Hi thanks for all of your replies. I tackled him last night with the info on how you cannot just remove yourself from a joint account.. and he admitted he had closed it.
After a major aguement he said he was spending money on a Facebook game clash of kings a fiver here and there for virtual stuff and that if had added up, and he was embarrassed. Im not sure I believe it. he isn't a child and I wouldn't dream of telling him how to spend money .the first thing he said was that it is my fault he has spent it as he is bored as I usually crash out by 10 on the sofa (I do I'm exhausted😔)

OP posts:

Imfree · 14/01/2017 07:51

Exh and I just closed a joint account but both had to put it in writing and sign it. It doesn't make sense that one person can close it leaving the other without access to the money. I would go to the bank today if I were you.

cantfindausername2 · 14/01/2017 07:53

I wouldn't buy that. Don't you both need to sign to close it? Ask for statements etc.

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