Why does he all of a sudden need his privacy

[Hecticlifeanddrowning8]

My OH and I have been together for 4 years with 2 DC together. We are going through a rough patch ATM , our youngest child has recently been diagnosed. With a chromosome deletion and we are struggling (not knowing what his future holds)
Along side this we have huge financial problems that are quite recent due to me not being able to work until we have a more stable diagnosis for our ds . We have no real family to speak of (both sets of parents have passed away) so we literally never have any time together.
Anyway we have 2 joint accounts 1 that we pay bills and buy shopping from that we both have access too, and one that he controls (child benefit goes into this one ) today I asked to have a look at the one he controls just to clock up how much petrol is costing us, and he became cagey 😕, said he would read it out to me etc but that he didn't want me to look at it as 'he deserves some privacy' ....but it's a joint account! He became very angry very quickly stormed out and went to the bank and took himself off the account and surrendered his card! . I mean wtf ! I have no access to the account that the child benefit goes into , and now neither does he .
I have asked him what he is hiding and he is just getting angry . Saying I deserve some privacy 😥It's really out of character for him, but I can't just let it go. as he has said he does not want me to know what he spends his money on.

Try and ignore the trying to blame it on you stuff - all that it's because you go to sleep and I'm bored excuse and the you're trying to control me nonsense. It's classic, I know I'm in the wrong but I'm going to fling out random accusations in the hope of deflecting the blame. Don't bother arguing with it - you know it's nonsense, he knows it's nonsense, not worth wasting your ears or breath on. Just keep asking the important questions calmly but relentlessly.

Is there a chance it's more serious than just gambling? Prostitutes etc?

It's Gambling
Prostitutes/Webcams
or Drugs

Nothing else.

And definitely not 'fivers on Clash of Clans'.

Bank, Monday morning. But you have to fake that it's ok until then.

Op you really should have gone today. Messy play? Seriously put beans in the bath at home!

Can you not phone the bank tomorrow and go through security check since you dont have your login details?

I would seriously change the cb, take him off the joint account you use and prepare to be a single parent.

You should have skipped the play group and gone to the bank.

He may have closed that account or taken you off it long ago by forging your signature.

I know I should have gone to the bank but 1) messy play is paid for I. Advance and my daughter looks forward to it 2) we also have his 2 Dc at the weekends who are with me all day Saturday as he works.3) he has the car for work and I don't have enough money to get all of us into town .
As embarrassing as this I have no idea how much the child benefit is as I've never seen it😕 ( he does mAke a point of buying nappy and clothes for the children when it goes in)
I have tried to phone the bank but apparently I should have a telephone pin! For phone banking.

He's lying and desperately trying to cover his tracks, about what I have no idea but it ain't about in app purchases that's for sure.

You need to prioritise finding the truth and you need to ask yourself why the fuck you've allowed your families finances to be so opaque. A joint account where one of the supposed account holders has no access or insight is beyond ridiculous. Now you know that a) he's lying and b) he has no problem lying and apportioning blame for his deceit, I hope you start paying attention. This man could have run up debts in your name, that you'd be jointly responsible for and you would be clueless.

I'm sorry for the shitty time you're having and that your H has seen your obvious distraction as an opportunity to screw you over. This goes beyond whatever he's been frittering away family cash on, it's how he views you and your relationship and if your honest with yourself, it probably isn't the first instance of his selfishness or him being economical with the truth.

I agree with the others that he is lying about closing the account.

As a side note, if your child requires more care than a child of the same age then you should be able to claim dla. It does not go on diagnosis. If you receive mid or high rate dla you can claim carers allowance and also tax credit disability credits. It may help your financial situation. Google cerebra and look at their dla guide. It's very useful.

Hang oin a sec.

Finances and what not aside for a minute.

Every Saturday, his children come but you look after them as he works and he takes the car? That sounds unfair. He leaves you with three kids to entertain, no transport, fucks off to work. What's the point of his kids coming?

This guy sounds like a cunt from the limited information.

Financially abusive.
Blames you, when its him.
Fucks off to work to avoid parenting his kids.
Watches his partner get exhausted.
Moans because partner goes to bed because she's so exhausted.
Knowingly spends money on crap.
Blames partner for his spending money.

Does he have any good points at all?

The sheer level of almost gleeful speculation about what the husband has been up to on this thread is disappointing... I thought people would be a little more sensitive to the fact that the poster is a real person, with real feelings who is going through what must be a really worrying awakening about her family finances in the worst possible way. This isn't some sort of virtual reality show. It is real people's lives so wildly speculating about what he has been up to does nothing to help her and everything to increase her anxiety.. Think of how it would make you feel if someone was making such statements about your partner.

OP... Until you have the actual FACTS you do not know what he has been doing. All you know for sure is that he has been deceiving you about the money and trying to redirect blame and culpability. Address the financials ASAP. Get access to all your joint accounts, visit the bank for the statements on this particular one, and make sure you take a full part in any future joint finances. You cannot allow yourself to be willfully ignorant on this.Then, once you know what has been happening to the money you can decide how to address his behaviour. He's behaving appallingly, but no different to any flavour of addict when they are caught out.

I wish you luck and hope that what you have the facts, all you find is that he was telling the truth about the games.

RLD

I am splitting with my DC's dad over very similar circumstances.

I'd rather have fuck all and know where it all is rather than having to listen to any more lies about his gambling problem and excuses about it being my fault for being tired.

Oh my word.

You are both going through a difficult time at the the moment and I think he has just been a bit silly and is now embarrassed.

For those saying you cannot close a joint account in your own you are WRONG. You CAN close many many joint accounts with just one of the account holders. I have done it.

Because of this untruth people are goading the OP that this man is lying to her again. Winding her up that it is more than FB games. Maybe prostitution? FFS! He has fucked up a little and is embarrassed he has wasted money but that or drugs - really?!

OP. Calm discussion with him needed but don't panic that it is any worse than what he has said.

thegood who do you bank with to do that? With Barclays, Halifax and HSBC I needed my ex's signature.

Online games like Clash of Clans can be really addictive and cost a lot more than people think! It doesn't have to be something sinister like prostitution or drugs! My husband plays Clash of Clans and other games on his iPhone and regularly spends quite a lot on them - I can see this as we have a joint account with online access and i can see the money is going on iTunes etc etc. For us it doesn't matter as we have that money to spend and both have equal spending money and that's what he chooses to spend his on but I can see for others it might be an issue.

OP phone the bank again - if you don't have a telephone pin you can wait to speak to someone and just answer some security questions.

I would pretend to believe him and then gather evidence and investigate without telling him

He's already lied and tried to twist things, you don't owe it to him to be upfront

I have closed a joint account at Santander but also have a joint account at NatWest, Nationwide and First Direct that are all single signature.
However the point is it CAN be done at many banks with many accounts so to say he is lying about that point is wrong and inflammatory.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, Hectic. You must be so stressed and worried

I too think you should visit the bank and obtain statements (and clarify if it's closed/who has access etc). You need to have the full picture about your financial situation. It sounds as though it's been in a bit of a muddle for a long time, and this is never a good idea. Regardless of anything else, if something awful happens (you split up, one of you is taken very ill or dies) you both need to have a good grasp of your finances.

I don't think you can plan your next move in terms of what is happening between you and your DH with this immediate situation until you have all the facts, so try not to let your imagination (or what other posters are suggesting) run away with you. Go gently with yourself today, and try to get through as best you can. You don't have to - it it would be very unwise imo - make any big decisions or definite plans right now.

Good luck.

IME someone caught doing something embarrassing responds by being red faced and embarrassed. They don't get angry, storm out, blame someone else, try to hide evidence, behave out of character, refuse to tell the truth, cause massive arguments and then only 'come clean' hours later after they've been forced to tell the truth and still try to blame someone else. These are the actions of someone caught doing something they know is wrong, not spending a few quid on a virtual game.

That doesn't mean its prostitution, porn subscriptions, cheating etc etc.
But it does mean they're probably lying and trying to hide something.

I have a joint HSBC and Natwest account with DP and we both need to authorise closure. Perhaps when you set up your accounts you agreed to one person have authority over the other?

Clearly he's spending you Child Benefit on something. Hope it's not the worst case scenerio op but feminine intuition is rarely wrong.

Yes, he is disproportionately defensive, making personal attacks and accusations
What is he defending against?

He's clearly not bright enough to pull off much in the way of deception so should be fairly easy to read him

Not one person having authority over another just a single signature (either of us) to close accounts. Why is it so difficult for people to accept that he may not be lying over this bit?

This is someone's life not an episode in a soap. The reality is people do silly things and react in a defensive way even when they have 'only' spent family money on FB games. Most of the time things in real life are not as dramatic as drugs or prostitution.

They are both having a stressful time and I don't think whipping the OP up that it is much worse than it is is not helpful in any way.

he is telling you that whatever he is done is your fault (you bore him)
that is the most shocking part for me
the closing account that just can't happen
also pointless as you still get statement
i would have gone to the ATM with a card as soon as he said it and got ministatment
He must have paid for something really recently to feel so caught you and come up with that BS

Good - why are you having difficulty accepting that his reaction to his wife's request to see their joint account is to immediately close it and bleat that he needs his privacy. It's her money too!

We are not stirring up trouble, just giving advice because we know what is to come. No good sticking her head in the sand any longer.

When we set up a joint account we had to choose if both signatures were required to authorise actions on the account. So you can close an account on one signature if that's the way the account was set up. This was with Lloyds TSB (as it was)