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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he all of a sudden need his privacy

160 replies

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 13/01/2017 18:55

My OH and I have been together for 4 years with 2 DC together. We are going through a rough patch ATM , our youngest child has recently been diagnosed. With a chromosome deletion and we are struggling (not knowing what his future holds)
Along side this we have huge financial problems that are quite recent due to me not being able to work until we have a more stable diagnosis for our ds . We have no real family to speak of (both sets of parents have passed away) so we literally never have any time together.
Anyway we have 2 joint accounts 1 that we pay bills and buy shopping from that we both have access too, and one that he controls (child benefit goes into this one ) today I asked to have a look at the one he controls just to clock up how much petrol is costing us, and he became cagey 😕, said he would read it out to me etc but that he didn't want me to look at it as 'he deserves some privacy' ....but it's a joint account! He became very angry very quickly stormed out and went to the bank and took himself off the account and surrendered his card! . I mean wtf ! I have no access to the account that the child benefit goes into , and now neither does he .
I have asked him what he is hiding and he is just getting angry . Saying I deserve some privacy 😥It's really out of character for him, but I can't just let it go. as he has said he does not want me to know what he spends his money on.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 15/01/2017 12:07

My exh joined my account but it needed both of us to close it when we divorced. Obviously, from posters experiences it can be done by the sole account holder but I'd be seriously pissed off if my bank allowed it. I'd be complaining to the top if my bank did that on a joint account. I'd looked at changing to Santander but not after hearing this.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/01/2017 12:12

You 'know' what is to come? Really? On what has been written here, by one side, with no knowledge of the rest of this couples life?

That is blowing things up to more than they might be. Scaring the OP that actually her mariage is doomed because her husband is financially abusive/sleeping with prostitues/taking drugs/ hard gambling is horrible.

Things were said and he reacted in a surprising manor. That does need addressing but he is human and sometimes humans fuck up without it being as terrible as people are suggesting.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/01/2017 12:13

*manner

FP239 · 15/01/2017 12:22

I can't believe that everybody is speculating on what the man is actually up to and saying he is lying. He may not be. I recently got a new phone and my daughter set it up for me but I didnty realise she had used her email address. I started playing pokemon go with my sister and our boys and one day out of the blue my 18 year old decided to announce to my family that I had spent £50 ( over three months) on pokemon go. I was MORTIFIED that she had access to that information after I had lectured her about not wasting money ......despite it being my son's pocket money that HE was spending on the game. I hated that people judged me without knowing the facts and assumed I had a problem of some sort over a kids game. I got very deffensive very quickly.

OP, he could be telling the truth. There is a certain amount of shaming that goes on when people buy digital content for games, after all you don't actually get anything in real life , do you? It could be that he has just lost himself in the game instead of dealing with stress. It does NOT mean that it's 100% prostitutes/gambling/heroin/whatever like the pearl clutchers on here would have you believe. It could be innocent .

BonnyScotland · 15/01/2017 12:49

it's not innocent

kittybiscuits · 15/01/2017 12:59

Goady posters - do you think he's bought the OP's valentines present nice and early and doesn't want to spoil the surprise? Hmm

LindyHemming · 15/01/2017 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 15/01/2017 18:35

Don't worry about suggesting things he may/may not have spent money on as I've probably already thought it . He wants me to leave it now he has admitted to the clash of clans stuff and part of me wants to believe him. Purely because of everything else going on I don't have the room in my brain to stress about anything other than my Ds. But I think I would be stupid not to find out for sure what is going on , this is a huge red flag and I can't just let it go.
Thanks for the advice on DLA I didn't realise it even applied to children this young as they would need round the clock care anyway.? DS has physio twice a week , Portage once a week (which is a service for disabled children) as well as aqua therapy to strengthen his muscles. This alone eats in to 4 days as well as the day to day stuff . I just don't feel normal 'childcare' could cater for him .

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 15/01/2017 19:05

I don't blame you for not letting it go.

Yes absolutely investigate the DLA and some nurseries offer specialist SEN care- you should qualify for funding from 2 instead of 3 too.

ScruffyTheJanitor · 16/01/2017 07:47

Of course he wants you to leave it.
You've caught him out, he's told you a tale to placate you so now you should drop it.

How many times do we read on here someone saying something like:
"Confront him, his reaction will tell you all you need to know"
His reaction can only mean there's more to it.

Red flag? I'd say red flag with strobe lights, fireworks and the sound of big Ben bonging.

NettleTea · 16/01/2017 08:33

DLA increases any tax credits quite dramatically, and if your earnings are low then you can claim carers allowance too.

LEELULUMPKIN · 16/01/2017 09:05

Good Luck OP. Just wanted to say that you MUST apply for DLA and then fight like hell to get it. My DS is now 11 and it took 18 months for me to finally win his case. He was born severely disabled, cannot talk, eat/chew/ read, write is partially sighted, doubly incontinent still in nappies and wears special boots to aid walking. He has also attended a SEN since reception.

Three times they turned him down and it was really hard at times but thankfully I am not the sort of person to give up. When you get the forms they will overwhelm you but stay focused.

I got the local MP involved, went to CAB and familiarised myself with the disability discrimination act. Its a fair bit of work but so worth it and will give you and your DC options.

Also, you will be entitled to back pay.

If you need any help just PM me. I am so passionate about this. Fight for your rights folks.

JustGettingStarted · 16/01/2017 09:12

I hope you go to the bank today and get answers.

isthismummy · 16/01/2017 16:05

Any update op?

AccioMerlot · 16/01/2017 16:08

I don't know if you have heard of them already but Unique were very helpful when DS was diagnosed with a chromosome deletion.

newstartamiready · 16/01/2017 21:49

Does seem odd how your OH is acting I hope you get to the bottom of it! I would have to go to the bank to find out as it would drive me nuts! Good luck xx

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 16/01/2017 22:02

No trip to the bank? It is like you don't want to know...

Justaboy · 16/01/2017 22:19

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 seems to me that confrontation will just get you both to the divorce courts that bit quicker. Seems also that your lives are very strained perhaps the time has come for some very frank conversations about your future together either by yourselves or with a trained professional. He it seems to me isnt coping that well with the p[problems that you face and I wonder if its got to you and this is the manifestation of it all.

Anyway hope you can sort it or most of it, best of luck anyways:)

Original poster
Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 17/01/2017 07:30

I did go to the bank yesterday and he has closed the accounts , but they were still accessible for a few days , so I asked for 3 months of statement and my God it was a mess.
Just in 1months there was over £500 worth of iTunes purchases some days £80 then £11 in the same hour . 😞. However it's not the money it's the reaction I'm upset about.

OP posts:
DowhatIwanttodo · 17/01/2017 07:36

£500 on iTunes! I couldn't spend that if I had to.

If you have huge financial problems why is he doing this? He is obviously ashamed about it hence his reaction.

BonnyScotland · 17/01/2017 07:38

Listen...... now you know ..... you must get your Childs benefits etc paid into another account that is accessible by only you now.... Dad is throwing a massive amount of this Family money away on frivilous crap .... you need to assert yourself quickly ..... do not blame yourself for this either... look after yourself x

Naicehamshop · 17/01/2017 07:38

Have you shown him the statements op? He really needs to face up to this and apologise, at the very least.

Feel for you. Flowers

Naicehamshop · 17/01/2017 07:41

I mean, how absolutely dare he!! And to then get annoyed with you for trying to find out about it ! Angry

Only one of you is an adult in this relationship, I'm afraid.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2017 07:45

Well at least it's not an OW or anything sordid. He reacted out of fear, that does happen, but it's not okay that he's blowing away family funds like this.

He needs to set aside a sensible maximum spend for those things, not that he can't spend anything.

LotsoNumbers · 17/01/2017 07:49

So did you say he's put the money into an account you can't get at?

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