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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does he all of a sudden need his privacy

160 replies

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 13/01/2017 18:55

My OH and I have been together for 4 years with 2 DC together. We are going through a rough patch ATM , our youngest child has recently been diagnosed. With a chromosome deletion and we are struggling (not knowing what his future holds)
Along side this we have huge financial problems that are quite recent due to me not being able to work until we have a more stable diagnosis for our ds . We have no real family to speak of (both sets of parents have passed away) so we literally never have any time together.
Anyway we have 2 joint accounts 1 that we pay bills and buy shopping from that we both have access too, and one that he controls (child benefit goes into this one ) today I asked to have a look at the one he controls just to clock up how much petrol is costing us, and he became cagey 😕, said he would read it out to me etc but that he didn't want me to look at it as 'he deserves some privacy' ....but it's a joint account! He became very angry very quickly stormed out and went to the bank and took himself off the account and surrendered his card! . I mean wtf ! I have no access to the account that the child benefit goes into , and now neither does he .
I have asked him what he is hiding and he is just getting angry . Saying I deserve some privacy 😥It's really out of character for him, but I can't just let it go. as he has said he does not want me to know what he spends his money on.

OP posts:
Pringle2628 · 17/01/2017 21:31

Scary I was repeating what was said earlier!

BonnyScotland · 17/01/2017 21:40

he's behaved appalingly...... even leaving his other kids with you all weekend whilst he works .... you Lady must have the patience of a Saint x

Fidelia · 17/01/2017 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 17/01/2017 22:17

I disagree with all. I think he probably can't trust himself right now so having you take control allows him to hit the reset button plus his expression of only having a tender a week is his way of imposing a punishment on himself. Once he's reset his attitude to apps and iTunes etc, and served his 'penance' he and you can then look towards him taking no responsibility of himself again.

That's says you want to continue with him of course. He's damaged your trust and that's hard to overcome.

Justaboy · 17/01/2017 23:05

Seems as if he might not be too wonderfully well in the mind probably he dosen't know how to cope, or indeed can cope with whats going on. As said a few posts ago some serious talking and maybe counseling might be in order!.

toldmywraath · 17/01/2017 23:13

Joysmum I agree with you. Your post makes sense.

newstartamiready · 19/01/2017 15:38

Wow £500 in one month on iTunes! Seriously expensive games he's playing!

But the good news is you have got to the bottom of it and can work on things from there! Hope your ok op 💐

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 19/01/2017 18:56

Thank you all xx

OP posts:
Lemon12345 · 20/01/2017 12:52

I think a lot of posters have been a bit harsh. It sounds like an addiction of sorts and if he was addicted to drugs or alcohol I don't think as many people would be saying he needs to grow up and the rest of it.

But still it's an issue, and it sounds like something that now it's come out he is trying to work on. It's up to you OP to decide if this is something you can handle or if you need to walk away. And IMO it shouldn't be a rushed decision. If you fully know that you cannot live with it then go. Otherwise take some time.
See if you can get some counselling, relate or similar to try to get some of these issues out in the open and really talk. Speak to your GP and school to see if you can get any respite care for your DC with difficulties. It sounds like you need a break, even just a few hours to catch up with yourself.
DLA is a great place to start to help with the finances and talk to someone about any other benefits you could be getting.

With everything knowledge is power. Good on you for getting to the bottom of this, now it's just working back up.

As for those who are moaning about OP looking after her step kids on a Saturday, I don't think that's for anyone to judge. Maybe they are happy with this set up or there is no way around it other than husband getting another job with less hours (therefore less money). It's not all black and white.

Isetan · 23/01/2017 11:00

Saying he's going to hand over responsibility for finances to his partner is not taking responsibility, it's shifting responsibility. No doubt setting up a future defence of emasculation for explaining away future indiscretions.

This is who he is and unles he takes responsibility for who he is and change, then this behaviour is destined to be repeated. The question is, do you really want to hang around for the inevitable if he continues to dodge responsibility.

You need an accurate picture of your finances and you can not rely on the disclosures of a liar.

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