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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU want to know I'm the best

190 replies

Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 07:16

I want to know I'm my partners best. I feel stupid writing this but can anyone let me know what they think and why!

My partner had kids with ex, had ex's name tattooed on body (tattooed over now but still did it in first place), proposed (never got married).

I have been married but the back story is, childhood sweethearts that were friends only for many years.

I have never felt what I do for my partner EVER before, I actually didn't think I could feel like this. I'm finding it hard to deal with that when I asked him if he'd ever felt like he does for me, for someone else he replied 'yes, you know that - I had kids didn't i?!'

We are trying for a baby, another first for me as I didn't ever want them with my ex. I know it might look like I'm 'point scoring' but I don't feel I am, their relationship ended horribly so want to know his feelings for me are stronger etc so we can survive more possibly?!

OP posts:

NormaStanleyFletcher · 21/12/2016 07:22

Oh love.

It sounds like you need some self esteem boosting.

Why did his previous relationship end?

Angleshades · 21/12/2016 07:24

You sound very insecure and are trying to make yourself feel better but going about it the wrong way. You are setting yourself up for misery by asking questions like 'do you love me more than you ever loved anyone else?'. It shouldn't really matter if he's been in love before, he's not in love with anyone else now so that should reassure you.

It does sound as if you're trying to point score in your own head rather than out loud. What is it that's making you feel so insecure that you need these validations? Do you feel your dp gives you enough attention?

Original poster

Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 07:32

They fought...a lot. It got physical (on her part) and they split up for good that time. I feel like I want it more equal I suppose, it's like I'm new at this (despite being well over my 20's), and wish he was experiencing new things too, but his answer was almost like 'nah, this is old hat for me'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 07:34

Sometimes I do feel like I don't get enough attention- he has an active social life, which I don't really, and he's used to his own space, which is sometimes difficult for me to deal with, but other times I'm happy to be alone so I can just relax or whatever

OP posts:

Rudymentary · 21/12/2016 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duplodancer · 21/12/2016 08:18

Going against the grain here but I think it's completely normal to want to know you're loved most. It took me a few years to believe I was loved in my own marriage but got there eventually and am very secure now.
He was a bit insensitive about the kids thing but he's right and it's a completely different kind of love so nothing to be threatened by.
Just remember he's with you, not his ex.

lovelearning · 21/12/2016 08:23

ex's name tattooed on body
'yes, you know that - I had kids didn't i?!'
their relationship ended horribly

Tinselbelle: It's time to turn your sails.

Pluto30 · 21/12/2016 08:29

But their relationship ending horribly has nothing to do with how he once felt about her? He did love her enough to propose to her, and he loved her enough to have kids with her. What happened from there is largely irrelevant.

Honestly, I don't think you're in a mature stable enough mindset to be thinking about having children with this man. Having children isn't a bandaid thing. It's not going to make him love you more, or elevate you above his ex in his mind etc. It will add increased pressure and possibly tension. Insecurity can kill a relationship quicker than cheating. I think you need to address your insecurities before deciding to jump into having kids.

ElspethFlashman · 21/12/2016 08:35

If you're insecure now, wait till you're eleventy billion months pregnant. For all you know he's one of those guys who goes off sex during the pregnancy. You need to have a very strong foundation to not take that personally.

And nothing exposed insecurities like the first year of having a baby. None of that will be his "first" either. It may not even be his "best" as that first time wonderment has already happened for him earlier in life.

I fear you're not remotely secure enough to be ok with all of that.

Helloooooitsme · 21/12/2016 08:41

I don't think it's fair of you to ask him to compare you to his previous partner/s and expect him to say you're 'the best'. It sounds like he loved his ex once and why wouldn't he? You have to accept his past.

Also maybe he did love her more once upon a time. But it won't help you to know that. I'm not even sure you can compare love as every relationship is different.

As for having children, I agree I don't think you're ready or that your relationship is stable enough yet.

Libby34 · 21/12/2016 08:48

Awww OP my DP has a child with a previous partner and it is difficult. For me is was knowing that he'd had such a special moment (his first born coming into the world!) with someone else. But this was before he'd met me, things happen. I'm 100% certain that he loves me more than he's loved any other woman and that's because he shows it in other ways. What your DP said was an arsehole statement, but I understand that he doesn't want to downplay the feelings he had towards the mother of his children. You've missed lots of "firsts" with him, but that doesn't mean when he does it with you it won't be just as special. Try not to feel so down about it, he wouldn't be with you if he didn't love you

pklme · 21/12/2016 09:00

People feel things differently. They are wired differently, they express themselves differently. There is a thread on here somewhere about 'what your DH does that shows you he loves you'. Try reading that.
He may be cagey about expressing himself more openly as he has been burned before. Or he may not feel differently this time from last time. It doesn't mean it's not worth having.

TheNaze73 · 21/12/2016 09:31

Never ask a question if you might be afraid of the answer

ScruffyTheJanitor · 21/12/2016 09:39

Why are you trying for a baby with this person?

It reads, and I may be wrong, that he's always out AMD leaves ypou home, that's if you live together?
And you seem very insecure and he's doing little to help that?

If he dismisses your feelings as easily and still picks socialising without you instead of being with you, do you really think he will change of kids come along?

I doubt it. Then ypoull be oin here moaning that he's out all the time and is emotionally unavailable. Etc.

Run now before kids complicate things.

pictish · 21/12/2016 09:49

To me, if you choose to have relationship with someone who has been married before and has kids, you already know they have been deeply in love before.

However, every relationship is different and people connect in different ways with every person they love. It's not something you can always measure by degrees of 'best' or whatever. It's far too simple a notion to apply to adult relationships...particularly when someone is on their second time round...which you knew about him when you got together.

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 09:55

They fought...a lot. It got physical (on her part)

So he says.

pictish · 21/12/2016 09:58

Why is everyone so down on this guy?

Original poster

Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 10:04

@lovelearning what does turn your sails mean?

I absolutely know he loves me, I don't question that.
I don't expect a baby to make him change seeing his friends etc - I know the chances are that he will continue to go out and I will have no choice but to stay in because kids are in bed etc.
I don't want kids to 'up' his ex, or think that having kids will make him love me more (than he does already).
Other people seen her being physically violent to him and they seen him just restrain her when necessary so I believe that.

I do need to work on my emotions/insecurities but how?

OP posts:

ScruffyTheJanitor · 21/12/2016 10:08

I don't expect a baby to make him change seeing his friends etc - I know the chances are that he will continue to go out and I will have no choice but to stay in because kids are in bed etc

He sounds like perfect father material already.....

timelytess · 21/12/2016 10:11

Leave him. Certainly don't breed with him. He's left one family already.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 21/12/2016 10:13

Not quite sure what the man in this situation has done wrong exactly BUT the fact he loved someone else doesn't matter. All that matters is it is you he loves now, nobody else, or he wouldn't be with you and he wouldn't be trying for a baby with you, knowing what he knows now about how it can go wrong iyswim. I agree with a PP that you need to work on your self esteem problems before bringing a baby into your relationship, pregnancy and all that ensues thereafter will do you no favours if you don't get your jealousy in check. And stop asking questions which are guaranteed to hurt you.
I think it shows him in a good light that he acknowledges he loved his ex deeply rather than running her down or downplaying their relationship to appease your feelings. They have children together and I think it's quite nice to see a bloke who is a bit more respectful about his ex for a change!
As for the going out thing, I don't think there's anything to imply that he is out ALL the time, just that he has an active social life, which is a good thing!! We all need our own focuses and space. Just because you don't have an active social life doesn't mean he has to abandon his imo.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 21/12/2016 10:14

'They fought...a lot. It got physical (on her part)

So he says.'

I'm sorry but would someone come on here and say that to a woman?!
'My ex became physical and I left him'
'Well, so you say.'

pictish · 21/12/2016 10:16

I have an active social life. Should my husband leave me?

timelytess · 21/12/2016 10:17

I have an active social life. Should my husband leave me?
Why not? You're never home...

pictish · 21/12/2016 10:18

"Leave him. Certainly don't breed with him. He's left one family already."

Of all the ninny headed, small, judgmental comments to make. You know nothing about this man!

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