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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU want to know I'm the best

190 replies

Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 07:16

I want to know I'm my partners best. I feel stupid writing this but can anyone let me know what they think and why!

My partner had kids with ex, had ex's name tattooed on body (tattooed over now but still did it in first place), proposed (never got married).

I have been married but the back story is, childhood sweethearts that were friends only for many years.

I have never felt what I do for my partner EVER before, I actually didn't think I could feel like this. I'm finding it hard to deal with that when I asked him if he'd ever felt like he does for me, for someone else he replied 'yes, you know that - I had kids didn't i?!'

We are trying for a baby, another first for me as I didn't ever want them with my ex. I know it might look like I'm 'point scoring' but I don't feel I am, their relationship ended horribly so want to know his feelings for me are stronger etc so we can survive more possibly?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 14:27

User why do you say that?

I genuinely don't think he's done anything wrong. I'm not naive, I don't think at least! He has his bad moments and gets angry, as does everyone but I have never suspected he wants to be violent. He also showed signs of being attacked, like screwing his eyes up if I gestured etc. That also, I know, might have nothing to do with the ex.

I don't have a problem with the ex, per say, I have never met her and don't know her. It's just that I want to know what he and I have, is more and better than what they had. It's probably terrible of me but that's how it is. I can cope etc and don't think about it too much, but yes I really would expect most people would of posted on here saying they feel the same. I understand all love is different but I'd love to think he shares my view of being the love of my life!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 14:29

User sorry why do you say you bet he can't see his kids because she's a bitch?

OP posts:
lollylou2876 · 21/12/2016 14:30

It's information to aware of, as that's how it can start. No one is saying it is or it isn't but EA or abuse. But there are three red flags, in this story, you will find on every profile/signs of an abuser, 1. saying the ex was crazy/violent, 2.feeling something isn't quite right, and 3. Unexplained low self esteem.

so how is it a load of shit? We all would hope that is not the case, but it is best to be informed and educated, as its always easy to spot these signs in retrospect but hard to see whilst living it.

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 14:34

You don't mention his kids, other than he has some. Does he pay for them, does he see them regularly? Or did he just abandon them with the scary violent woman?

You see, abused women leave with their children, because they wouldn't leave them behind in that situation. Men just remove themselves, and leave the children behind. Which suggests that either she is not violent or scary, or he doesn't care enough about his children. Which is it?

MimiSunshine · 21/12/2016 14:48

Do you know how unusual it is for men to have full custody of children?

I know a man who's partner was emotionally / verbally abusive. They were splitting but he helped her move house, quite a distance I order to try and keep the peace for his child. While there she started being abusive again and was starting to get physical so he picked up his child and left.

She reported him for kidnapping and he was stopped on the way home and told he had to return the child. The chances of that happening if it was reversed? Probably nil.

Thankfully he had videoed her and said no way, he still had to get on to SS straight away because the status quo is children stay with Mum.

He now has full custody but it was a battle.

Just because more women are victims of abuse than men, doesn't mean no men are.

Newbrummie · 21/12/2016 14:50

MimiSunshine. Not being funny but I very much doubt he was stopped and made to return the child, that's simply not how it works.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2016 15:00

I think you need to stop focusing on his previous relationship. It's over, done dusted, you seem to be expending too much mental energy on thinking about it and that's not healthy.

I'm not sure it's just low self esteem, but I think there is some jealousy thrown into that mix too. You need to focus on the present and the future, not his past.

lovelearning · 21/12/2016 15:02

I'd love to think he shares my view of being the love of my life!

Tinselbelle, he's already shared his views on the matter.

'yes, you know that - I had kids didn't i?!'

You are not the love of his life.

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 15:03

Women cut and run too though User, it's just less heard of, just as a man getting full custody is. The 'norm' is that the kids go with mother and father moves out and leaves the kids.

A man can't be expected to be beaten daily for the sake of what? The kids? In this instance it's a cycle - her mother beat her father and my partners ex beat him. The kids were present but she never attacked them. In a round about way though she was attacking the kids too because they seen it happen.

He's no angel but I believe he did the right thing by leaving, she should of left him I think. But she didn't. It doesn't make him the bad one.

He does pay (more than what is expected legally) but he doesn't see them very often unfortunately. I wish the kids were in our lives more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 15:11

Lovelearning I'm not sure how you can take that from what he said, I think you're just trying to upset me for some reason. There are lots of people who have kids then go onto meet the love of their lives. He didn't say I wasn't the love of his life (I never asked that directly). He had kids with someone. His life became considerably worse (not because of kids as such but because of circumstances to do with kids and ex). He vowed to never let that happen again. Then he met me and now is (surprising his family and friends) planning a family with me. That speaks volumes, but, I do obviously have self esteem issues at times so things bother me and I need reassurance.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/12/2016 18:10

What do you mean by 'he's no angel' and what's the reason he doesn't see his kids more?

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 19:14

He has his faults (as we all do). It's too complicated to go into why he doesn't see kids. But he's done everything he can, would need to go through the courts as a next step.

OP posts:
AliceInUnderpants · 21/12/2016 20:22

Why would you want to have a child with a man who would not fight to see his kids?

Newbrummie · 21/12/2016 20:23

Going through court is not a big deal ... Fill out a form, pay £500 I think it is.

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 20:34

He has fought. It's £5000 for some reasons too complicated to go into. He's done everything. The ex is with someone else and the new man is making things worse.

OP posts:
Pluto30 · 21/12/2016 20:51

He has fought. It's £5000 for some reasons too complicated to go into. He's done everything. The ex is with someone else and the new man is making things worse.

The new man would have no impact on this situation at all, so I'm not buying that, sorry.

AliceInUnderpants · 21/12/2016 20:52

What bollocks.

He's done everything No he hasn't.

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 20:55

So I was right, he doesn't see his kids at all. I knew it.

Yes, its unusual for a man to get full custody. Sadly its very very usual that they not only don't bother to try for custody, but they don't see their children AT ALL. OR pay maintenance, which I bet this dude doesn't either.

But he has OP totally convinced its not his fault, any of it, and now she is going to have another kid for him.

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 20:55

Entitled to opinions but it's a fact I've been there. I do not put lies on here. Any things that are implied or imagined I will make clear.

OP posts:
lovelearning · 21/12/2016 20:59

I think you're just trying to upset me for some reason.

Tinselbelle, I'm telling you the truth.

This man is not the right man for you.

You know that; that's why you started this thread.

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 21:01

He pays more than the legal amount. And will continue to pay this amount even once we have a child, which legally lessens further.

OP posts:
AliceInUnderpants · 21/12/2016 21:02

How can you expect him to assure you that you are "the best" when he can't even show his own kids how he feels about them? (Assuming he does love his kids, of course, which I shouldn't take as a given)

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 21:03

I started it because I must have low self esteem and need reassurance that is not so common. He's the one for me. But glad to know you stick to what you say.

OP posts:
AliceInUnderpants · 21/12/2016 21:04

So does he 'over-pay' in place of spending the money to actually see the children?

Newbrummie · 21/12/2016 21:04

Honestly the poor "my children have been kept from me shit" is what 90% of men come out with, what you generally find is unless there's a damn good reason when you get to family court they are offered 50/50 then the men start back tracking and they can only do eow and the odd Wednesday. I've seen it myself and with friends but they like to make out they fought to everyone, even convince themselves. It's rubbish.

You might be ok with that, lots of women are. But if he can do it once he can do it again that's all anyone is saying to you.

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