AIBU want to know I'm the best

[Tinselbelle]

I want to know I'm my partners best. I feel stupid writing this but can anyone let me know what they think and why!

My partner had kids with ex, had ex's name tattooed on body (tattooed over now but still did it in first place), proposed (never got married).

I have been married but the back story is, childhood sweethearts that were friends only for many years.

I have never felt what I do for my partner EVER before, I actually didn't think I could feel like this. I'm finding it hard to deal with that when I asked him if he'd ever felt like he does for me, for someone else he replied 'yes, you know that - I had kids didn't i?!'

We are trying for a baby, another first for me as I didn't ever want them with my ex. I know it might look like I'm 'point scoring' but I don't feel I am, their relationship ended horribly so want to know his feelings for me are stronger etc so we can survive more possibly?!

How long for a civil conclusion ? 6 weeks tops, then I would be kicking the front door down to see my children never mind court, but realistically I'd give it a month then file because it takes another month to get to court, so then that's 8 weeks without seeing them.

And you're still worried that you aren't good enough for him?

OP Do you understand why we think you'll be back here before long, as a single parent?

I must admit, I'm starting to wonder if you haven't just lapped up his bullshit too. There are a lot of cliches coming out of his mouth. Of course cliches are cliches because they're true, but when so many are connected to one man you begin to wonder if he is the cliche.

She was violent. It was all her...I only restrained her. It's just the oldest line in the book OP you know? I mean it's possible he was the victim of this horror of a woman's abuse but when you follow it up with:

I've done everything in my power! You start to see a pattern of well used cliches emerging. No need to elaborate on this one btw...it's an outright lie. He has done very little in order to see his kids.

Her new man is making things hard. Not possible...the new man doesn't get a say on whether or not your dp has contact with his kids. In legal terms, his influence amounts to zero and that's a fact.

I don't want to drag the kids through the courts. Nothing to do with reality, this. It's a cliche that makes his inertia seem noble and selfless, but is actually anything but. He can't be arsed love...that's the truth of it.

Whatever it is you feel for him and think he can offer you, I would ask you to really consider his track record as a father so far before getting pregnant to him.
Like i say....a lot of cliches going on here.

No I don't. Maybe it comes across as I see things one sided but I don't. There's not much I can say to make people believe that - as things progressed I too was all about the courts but having been sat down and told the process and likely outcome it just seemed better to try to hope she'll see reason (which she does intermittently). It's almost like a dangling of a carrot effect, you think you can get it then whoosh off it goes too far from reach. It's awful. There have been many discussions with family and many many tears and therapy. Luckily the kids do seem unaffected. It was an on/ off relationship from the start so not at all like mine and his. I think he is hard to live with in some ways but she also seems that way so together it just didn't obviously work. They were not trying for kids. We are. He loves his kids but it doesn't change that they were not planned- he never knew she come off the pill etc. He tried to make it word and took the abuse. I don't abuse him. I don't know why anyone thinks I might end up single parent, sorry no.

I know what you mean about the cliches but it's not like I've just heard from him - a guy I know works in a shop near where they lived and he said the same things - just from what was going on in the store. It seems obvious to me he's not lying but yes I know people have their doubts on here but I can't say anything to change minds heee really

With every post you simply reveal yet more naivety. I'm not saying that to insult you...it's just that naive is what you are.

"He loves his kids but it doesn't change that they were not planned- he never knew she come off the pill etc."
Shall we refer to him from this point on as That Old Chestnut?

I am laughing...but blackly.

I'll turn it back to you OP: how long do you think you would go without seeing your child?

By the day I moved out, or they moved out, I would have agreed a contact schedule.

The first time that their other parent varied that, I would be checking my options.

Have they kept to arrangements consistently for months and they seem to have a good reason? I'd let it go - ONCE.

Is it the very first time I'm supposed to have contact and the other parent seems to be pissing me about - i would firmly remind them not to, and let it go ONCE.

Do you really want to have a child with a man who can just walk away from his children?

Was your own father absent, shit, or 'just' uninvolved for you to think it's no big deal?

Because when you have children, not being with them just isn't an option. It would be like having both your arms missing.

Mine drive me fucking insane, up the wall most days. But I can't not see them, not know they are well and by know I mean see it with my own eyes, regularly because things change in a heart beat. You can't carry on through day to day life without knowing the next time you'll be in their company.
And I'm no Bloody Mary Poppins so if i can't understand how anyone could not see their children imagine what it must be like for a normal parent !
If he can walk away once, it's much easier the second time and he's telling you blantently he isn't keen that keen on having a child with you.

PICTISH well done that made me laugh

The other thing men do, well humans I guess is they rewrite the story in their own head and then tell everyone so often that it becomes the truth. How the fuck would the bloke working down the local shop know anything about the ins and outs of somebody else's marriage ? He may have seen a snapshot and somebody else has filled in the gaps. But only two people know and you're highly unlikely to get the truth out of either of them.

What??! How is he telling me he doesn't want a child with me?! We talk about kids (present and future) every day. Don't know how I've given impression he doesn't want kids with me

You also seem to be eluding to the idea that it's ok for him to effectively abandon his existing children because they weren't planned...and that it will be different with yours.
So much wrong with this I just can't even begin to respond.

You seem to want to swallow his crap, so good luck with the big romance. I hope it all works out like you imagine.

User, I've already said he tried to see them, they never showed up! Don't get why you are jabbing at things I have already said. And 'no backward glance' what are you on about?!! I asked a literal question and you give me a comment like 5 seconds - either be real or don't be anything at all - why post?!

He didn't try at all. He hasn't DONE anything. I assure you I am being entirely real and truthful...you could not keep me from my children and I will NEVER understand how these so-called parents just move on and make another family without doing everything they possibly could for the children they already have.

LAdy, you are deluded. His kids seems unaffected, how would you know, you don't know them or see them. You don't know the ex, you don't know any of it.
You do know the script he's fed you, which is the classic "it was all her, poor me" shite. I could have guessed they weren't planned, she trapped him into having kids, absolutely nothing is his fault.

In a couple of years you'll be back here asking why he's gone, why he doesn't see your children.

I was a bit older than him, I had kids, couple of long term jobs, divorce and an LTR under my belt so to say. A fair bit more life experience. He was fairly inexperienced (whilst having a great career but still quite naive IYKWIM). I think I might have been his best (but from a handful of relationships), and whilst things were great, we'd had a policy of honesty. So I told him straight that he wasn't my best in that one specific area, but there was still opportunity to reach the same level.

I think if we'd stayed together he'd have always compared himself to my previous experiences. I KNOW he'd have been a better dad than my exh if we'd have got that far, he was definitely more thoughtful, sensitive, educated, considered, entertaining, social etc etc.

But that one single thing that he asked me, that I couldn't lie to him about, completely destroyed us both.

Really think hard before any more ttc. Only you know how much you mean to him. Only you know how valued he makes you feel.

Unfortunately it is human nature to want to exceed those who have gone before us, but it is also human nature to want what is best - your chap isn't with his ex (for whatever reasons, but I would be wary of him not seeing the kids, my ex doesn't see his despite them begging to see him, god knows what excuses he's telling people). He's with you for a reason. He chose you, so there must be reasons why you're 'the best' for him otherwise he'd be with someone else!?

Well shop guy said wasn't surprised he'd 'got away from the fishwife' and glad to see him happy with me. I didn't try to get any info out of shop guy who seen things several times a week and was appalled that the kids didn't react at all when mum screamed at dad to 'hurry up useless ----' swearing and shoving him about.

So he has a friend as awful as he is, proves nothing.

I don't think he walked away and it's acceptable because they weren't planned at all!! Twist much!!

So because of the circumstances that it has been decided on here 'nobody but the two of them can know' people are basically saying that he does not deserve kids or a life with someone else?

Have I got that right?

What a draining way to live Op. Must be exhausting for you holding on to words of 'shopkeepers' 'friends' etc to get some reassurance that you are 'his best'

If he is as good as they say, why on earth did you come up with this thinking:

"I don't expect a baby to make him change seeing his friends etc - I know the chances are that he will continue to go out and I will have no choice but to stay in because kids are in bed etc. "

That is not a normal assumption about a partner and father in 2016. Where is the bit where you go out and enjoy yourself and he has no choice but to stay in because kids are in bed? If you can't visualise this as an equally plausible scenario, then you do need to think again about why that is.

And she might have given him the night of his life when she got home from the shops, or he might have whacked her around face the minute they stepped outside. Nobody knows because it's their marriage, you will never get the truth out of either of them.

Doesn't matter anyway because he's got a great social life, he's done the kid thing for a few years, it's old hat now and he's walked away from them. Those are the cold hard facts.
And you want to go round two ?

You can do better than that.

After the bashing I'm taking on behalf of my man and the circumstances surrounding our relationship I'm surprised at any comments like 'you can do better than that'

Perhaps you are his 'current' best....
If you have a DC with him will you worry that they are his 'best' too?

Cory it was said I was having an Elastoplast baby to make things change so pointed that out. I do go out, just not as often and my friends are not as social as his either

Only I never thought of that

His friends are more social - I bet they bloody are !
God I know loads of them and their girlfriends - they don't marry them - lead a dogs life.

I'd want better for you if you were my daughter. The writing is on the wall.
I fucked up. I married a man who cheated on his first wife and guess what da da he cheated on me too. Learn from the mistakes older women have made from this board and you will have a better chance than we did.
This man has not lied to you, he's shown you who he is and you don't believe him 🤔