AIBU want to know I'm the best

[Tinselbelle]

I want to know I'm my partners best. I feel stupid writing this but can anyone let me know what they think and why!

My partner had kids with ex, had ex's name tattooed on body (tattooed over now but still did it in first place), proposed (never got married).

I have been married but the back story is, childhood sweethearts that were friends only for many years.

I have never felt what I do for my partner EVER before, I actually didn't think I could feel like this. I'm finding it hard to deal with that when I asked him if he'd ever felt like he does for me, for someone else he replied 'yes, you know that - I had kids didn't i?!'

We are trying for a baby, another first for me as I didn't ever want them with my ex. I know it might look like I'm 'point scoring' but I don't feel I am, their relationship ended horribly so want to know his feelings for me are stronger etc so we can survive more possibly?!

Ok so...

Given I have low self esteem and have the issues raised here... what would you do in my shoes (not leaving him)

You can talk all you like about circumstances and facts not in evidence but lets look at the actual fact

HE does not see his children, he has no plans to fight to see his children, he has made no application for court or mediation to attempt to see his children.

Is that the fact? Because really, what else do you need to know?

At least get married before you have dc with him. It offers you a measure of protection and security. If he's never married before maybe that would allay your fears. And putting ttc on hold until you're married gives you a chance to see if you could get access to his dc.

shop guy who seen things several times a week and was appalled that the kids didn't react at all when mum screamed at dad to 'hurry up useless ----' swearing and shoving him about

If that's what she's like, he should be walking through fire to make sure she isn't the only parent his DC grow up knowing.

You need some therapy to find out why your self esteem is so low that you would accept all this bullshit. What's your family of origin like? Fucked up?

He must marry you before kids. That's the bare minimum. My advice to you as would be any young woman, do not stop working. Have a savings account with £3000 in it that he doesn't know about - first months rent, deposit and a Bed for you and the kids should the day arrive. And keep him on his bloody toes. Domestic duties are 50/50 because you both work, child care is 50/50 - and paid for equally - it doesn't come out of your salary.
And discuss all this before you get pregnant because I've heard a man say to his girlfriend, you want a baby you will look after it and pay for it, he wasn't joking. Needless to say she found somebody else thank goodness. But that is a lot of men's attitude. They want you to cook clean provide a family and sex and give absolutely nothing in return. Once you see that for yourself - take a look at his friends family life - ask yourself can you do better, I think you can.

I grew up in a totally 'normal' together family - no splits, no cheating, no extended family etc never on benefits or out of work parents. Total ideal tbh.
This sort of going on is like a horrific episode of Jeremy Kyle.

If it's true and he left us, I'd be fine on my own with kids, I hope that never happened but I'm strong (allbeit with low self esteem at times)

Given I have low self esteem and have the issues raised here... what would you do in my shoes (not leaving him)

Read. Read up all you can about healthy and unhealthy relationships. Start with the "Listen up everybody" sticky in this topic. Other things worth a look:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/healthy-relationships
captainawkward.com/category/relationships

And try something like MoodGym for looking at your views of yourself and what you deserve out of life: moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Good advice newbrummie thank you

What would I advise apart from leaving him?

Well do NOT have a baby with him whilst you're still angsting like a 16 year old over being his "best".

And don't have a baby with him until he has sorted out his contact with his first family. Your child's siblings, remember.

I'm actually not sure about the marriage advice. Let's not assume that this man has all the assets! You may be better off not tying yourself to him.

But totally agree with the advice not to be dependent on him.

What kind of person gets an on/off girlfriend's name as a tattoo?

His judgement is all shades of off - another reason not to have a baby with him.

How long have you been with him?

53rd thank you

Your priorities are seriously screwed up. You are fretting about whether you are his 'best' when really you should be fretting about having a baby with a man who doesn't see his existing children. It isn't actually hard to get a contact order. If as you say his children won't even remember him now then he clearly hasn't bothered for an extended period of time. Plenty of women have childen with deadbeat Dads and then complain that their children suffer the same fate when they too split up. You already have insight into what kind of separated father he is, you are on notice that he doesn't give a toss. More fool you if you carry on regardless.

This sort of going on is like a horrific episode of Jeremy Kyle

Then why are you living in it, when you know better, when you come from better?

I know you think I'm just being a bitch, but I'm trying to pull all that wool from your eyes. You are mired in denial and dreams. This is not a good guy, good guys don't leave their children and move on.

User don't think you're being a bitch but what is it Baz Lurman said - advice is taking you own experience, putting it through the garbage disposal and picking out the good bits (something like that) and I feel like the ones who have no empathy towards my bf must of gone through what his ex is going through (in their heads) the fact is that it may be totally true what I say and he is a good guy trying to live his life the 'right' way seeing as there's no going back and starting over. Does that make sense? I'm very open minded so struggling to think of a subject I wouldn't budge on but that's how it feels with some of what you say - like a dog with a bone almost

How long have you been together?

TBH he would be an utter twat if he had kids with someone he didn't love in my mind. Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons but it's not a bad thing for them to have been good in the first place. If you only ever entered into crappy relationships it would be an indicator that you need to examine why.

Don't look at what you can do "better" look at what he is doing with the situation he is in. Does he see his kids? Does he pay cm? Does he love them? Does he care for them well? Does he parent them in the same way you would?

You have a chance to see your future. Make sure the answers to all the above are positive before you jump into this boat. Kids add stress to any relationship make sure yours is strong before you take that step. You have a chance to spot any big flash points right now so ignore everything else and focus on that.

The mark of a good man canned puns in how he treats his kids and his ex once the relationship has failed.

2 years

So in the 2 years you have been together how many times has he seen his children? How often have you met them and seen what his parenting is like? How many solicitors letters has he sent? Has he attended mediation?

You just have to be 100% sure you are making he best choice for yourself. You can't make someone love you more and you can't erase Someone's past.

You have to decide. You learn to cope with his past through either counselling (my local council has a wellbeing service which runs free classes for relaxation, self confidence etc. You literally just ask your surgery for a welllbeing appointment, it's a short meeting and they put you in touch with the right places) or through self help books or you find someone else who doesn't have kids already.

This is a choice only you can make. I also think you need to get out more. Do you have friends from work? Could you instigate a night out? Could you join a club eg local running or cycling club? There are so many free or cheap clubs these days that would get you out.

Stitch I can't answer that. I have never been allowed to see them. I have seen messages to and fro and she is incredibly threatened by me. Before that the visits were stable weekly, then got less and less until even the lies about where and when to meet were not bothered with on her part.

So lets get this straight. He was seeing the kids regularly and then he met you and now they've stopped ?

Nick I've got friends but most have babies so uninterested in social visits or going out. I don't really have time either, I'm starting a business that can help support us while I'm off with kids but I don't mind being in a lot. He de-stresses when he goes out to see his mates and it's not all nighters or anything he always comes home by 11pm

he is a good guy trying to live his life the 'right' way seeing as there's no going back and starting over. Does that make sense?

No it doesn't, at all. A good guy would be fighting for his children. A good guys right way to live would have his children in it. Why doesn't that make sense to you?

I'm very open minded so struggling to think of a subject I wouldn't budge on but that's how it feels with some of what you say - like a dog with a bone almost

Have a baby and then you'll easily have a subject you wouldnt' budge on. You'll understand what we are talking about then.

You have never even met his kids, what on earth are you thinking of trying for a baby with him. You have no idea what kind of parenting he does when he actually sees his kids, you have no way of knowing how you would get on with his children, not to mention the damage caused to his children by him moving on with another baby when he doesn't see them. Why don't you wait whilst contact is re-established and things settle down, when you can then create a blended family in a healthy way? Unless your DP has already decided he won't be bothering with his kids again until adulthood?

Newbrummie not exactly, they have stopped and that's probably for almost a year. She had a real problem when I came on the scene. If I'd of thought they had a chance together I'd of left them to it but once I realised that they were toxic together i never thought of leaving him again. He deserves love and happiness. There's a lot of crap going on but it is her doing, yes I agree to some extent that he could of done more but she's guarding those kids like her life depends on it. They need no protection from me or him. I understand that for single mums it must be excruciating when another woman comes into the mix.