Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU want to know I'm the best

190 replies

Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 07:16

I want to know I'm my partners best. I feel stupid writing this but can anyone let me know what they think and why!

My partner had kids with ex, had ex's name tattooed on body (tattooed over now but still did it in first place), proposed (never got married).

I have been married but the back story is, childhood sweethearts that were friends only for many years.

I have never felt what I do for my partner EVER before, I actually didn't think I could feel like this. I'm finding it hard to deal with that when I asked him if he'd ever felt like he does for me, for someone else he replied 'yes, you know that - I had kids didn't i?!'

We are trying for a baby, another first for me as I didn't ever want them with my ex. I know it might look like I'm 'point scoring' but I don't feel I am, their relationship ended horribly so want to know his feelings for me are stronger etc so we can survive more possibly?!

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 22/12/2016 12:27

You say his kids are "all" under 6 - so presumably he has three DC or more? So possibly three times his ex 'tricked" him by coming off the pill? Or did she have triplets?

And why get a tattoo of someone you're in an on/off relationship with, someone who's violent towards you?

None of this makes any sense.

user1480946351 · 22/12/2016 12:51

it is devastating that I have not met his kids. Years are going by and it doesn't feel easier or better. But I have no control or power over the situation

No you don't. He does though, he just isn't doing anything about it. He's telling you that the kids are fine, they have a step dad, he doesn't need to. Its' all justification for him doing nothing, and to make you believe that he's a good guy.

Think about it, if you truly believed everything he told you, why would you be asking here about wanting to know if he loves you better than her? If you really believed that she was the evil, violent awful woman that is keeping his children from him, why would you need reassurance that you are better than her, that your relationship is better?
And if he was telling the truth, why wouldn't he easily agree with you that it is better?
It doesn't add up, and I think you know that deep down, which is why you are so insecure about it all.

TempusEedjit · 22/12/2016 13:03

That's a good point User, why does this man think his relationship with a violent bullying ex was/is better than what he has with the OP?

And another thing - his response of "yes, you know that - I had kids didn't I?only makes sense if those kids were planned, not accidents because the ex came off the pill without him knowing. Sorry OP but the harsh truth is this man clearly doesn't love you in the way that you hope he does.

PaterPower · 23/12/2016 21:39

Some of the comments on here are just staggering, even for this site.

I was assaulted three times by an ex. Thought it was a one off for the first, went to the Police on the second occasion and was pretty much dismissed out of hand, although they acknowledged the wounds on my face (nail marks - I looked like Freddie Krueger) more than qualified as assault / abh. Still sent me away from the station empty handed / back to the situation. Third time it took six very large policemen to arrest my ex. Despite having attacked me, and then threatening me with a knife (and assaulting the officers / resisting the arrest) the Sergeant on the scene "suggested" to me that I "wouldn't really want to bother having ex charged, would I" and they promptly let ex go the next morning. No talk of a restraining order, no offer of support for me. Sweet Fanny Adams in fact.

As for taking the Court option for seeing your kids. Well, I had had almost three years of (barring one day a week difference) 50/50 access to my two kids. Despite this, and despite having done nothing other than be a brilliant parent (even the ex acknowledged that both before and during the court process) and despite Cafcass saying nothing other than we were both good parents and that the kids were happy, the ex was allowed to move 180 miles away (from the Fmh area, where they'd been born, had friends, went to school etc) and my access was set at eow and half the hols.

I spent over 10k of money I didn't have and had to borrow, did all the mediation stuff etc etc, and the upshot was the court decided I could maintain a perfectly adequate relationship via Skype, phone calls and eow.

And by the way, the ex cheated on me and decided the grass was greener elsewhere (until the cheater was cheated on in turn, prompting the push to move).

And in case you hadn't guessed, I stand when peeing. Apparently that means, to some of you at least, I must have either imagined all the sh@t that I've been through in my life and/or I'm lying or exaggerating.

OP - getting back to the point, whether you have kids with him or not, whether you stay with him or not and whether he succeeds in negotiating access without involving the court or not (and it is not cheap, or easy, or emotionally painless), do what feels right to you. If you don't feel "as loved" then find someone else. I'm with someone now who is a million miles from my exW. She's had kids by two diff fathers but I have never felt the need to compare myself to them (or the other partners she had before me) and I don't worry that she doesn't love me as much as I love her. If you DO genuinely worry about it, perhaps he isn't the right person for you but YOU should make that choice and not get sucked into the very one-sided / black & white view of life that some people on here seem to cling to.

Angleshades · 23/12/2016 22:17

Op I think you need to take a step back from what is your dp's situation with his kids. It really is his resposibility to sort out and you shouldn't get too involved. Forget what texts his ex is saying about you, don't be goaded into responding as it's not really your business. The only time you should get involved is when you're finally introduced to the children. It'll be important that they're made to feel welcome and comfortable in your home and that's as far as it should go at this stage considering you haven't met them yet.

As for your self esteem could you perhaps get out more with friends? Maybe building up a better social life for yourself will help take your mind off how you think your dp feels about you compared to how he felt about his ex. It sounds like you feel this relationship feels a bit unequal at the moment and that might be why you're looking to him to reassure you. If you were very busy with your own life you probably wouldn't need his reassurance so much.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2016 22:49

PaterPower

So you: had established 3 years of 50/50 care.
Challenged your ex's decision to move away.
Went through mediation and court.
Spent £10K.
Continued to see your kids EOW and half the holidays.

Oh and you pee standing up.

Can you not see that if I met you and I saw all this I would think you were a good father... But I'd think you were totally different to OP's boyfriend?

You're exactly the point: good fathers (parents) do EVERYTHING to keep their relationship with their children.

This man - well, he hasn't.

PaterPower · 23/12/2016 23:40

Elisandra
The point I was making was more in relation to some of the previous comments on this thread, but thank you.

Having gone through the whole Cafcass / Family Court process, merely to try and keep the status quo - I wasn't asking for more or trying to deny her any time - I would no longer recommend it to any man unless there was absolutely no other course of action available to them. The process is so massively stacked against you that, tbh, you would be better off accepting anything your ex offers you (that's better than eow) because you'll just spend a lot of money and achieve nothing better at the end.

As a result, I don't feel I can condemn the OP's partner for not having gone down that route.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/12/2016 04:32

'yes, you know that - I had kids didn't i?!'

Imho, this is a very dismissive statement. It pretty much shut you up, didn't it?

He does a lot of talking. Why are you so eager to believe everything he says? I know I am cynical; but really- you need to be making assessments based on his actions rather than his words. Words are cheap. It is called lip service.

He has a very active social life, but you don't. So he goes out a lot without you. He could be up to anything.

You have never met his kids but feel assured that they are doing fine because of money and trips? Please check out a long running thread here called "But We Took You To Stately Homes". It is about the effects of, and coping skills for, surviving dysfunctional families of origin...such as having been abandoned by one's father.

Your gut is raising a flag here. Imho, you are not his best, sorry. He has "history" and to be honest, he has a freight train of baggage. Things with him will only be "complicated". You do not need this. Do not be the "cool" girl friend that is so understanding. You are making yourself invisible doing that...and that is your own choices damaging your own self esteem. Of course he is happy with that. Bit of a doormat. Don't do that to yourself. It stinks of being desperate.

SomeonesRealName · 24/12/2016 06:59

But this guy (a) doesn't have something better than EOW; doesn't have a 180 mile distance to negotiate about; and hasn't tried at all. He's the opposite of you Paterpower.

Newbrummie · 24/12/2016 09:06

PaterPower. It's amazing because every man I meet tells me your version of events and every woman tells me their ex got exactly what they asked for in court, it's as if they attend different hearings or something ..... Confused

PaterPower · 24/12/2016 12:30

Well, short of sending you the court paperwork Newbrummie, I'm not sure how I would ever convince you but I can assure you I got nothing I asked for from the Court other than the original PSO to stop her removing the kids whilst the hearings were set up.

I was very explicit that I wanted to keep things as they were (and had been for three years prior) with the only change being either that the status quo was documented and made the subject of a permanent Contact Order (effectively stopping the move) or that the PSO was made permanent and that we'd sort access out on an ongoing basis.

She asked that they set aside the PSO and formalise Contact as EOW, explicitly so that she could relocate the 180 miles. Cafcass found nothing wrong with either of us and made no recommendation either way. The Court (2 women, one man, all in their late 60's plus) in all its infinite, deeply sexist and outdated, wisdom decided not to apply the legislation which can prevent long-distance moves and told me, via the paperwork and in summation, that Skype, phone calls and eow were adequate for maintaining the relationship I had in place. Cafcass had an hour, I had an hour and she had an hour to give evidence and be cross-examined. Apparently that's enough basis for a Court to make relationship and life-altering decisions. Think you'd be able to "know" a family well enough to do that in that sort of timeframe? I wouldn't presume I could.

I was a massively hands-on Dad, both before and after she cheated on me and we split (her instigation too). I was heavily involved with schooling, clubs, pick ups, having friends round etc and had been with nappies, feeding, getting up at night, nursery etc etc etc before that. Not one bit of which made a jot of difference to those three magistrates.

I spent 10k, had a barrister in Court (as did she) and just ended up getting completely and utterly stiffed. I then had to listen to her "family" (previously absent and useless fil playing doting Dad for the day, SM, family friend) actually CHEER when they heard she'd got what she wanted. Not one of them stopped to consider whether pulling the kids away from friends, established school, their father, my very hands-on M&F etc would be in the kids best interest.

F. Court, I can tell you from my experience and that of several close, previously very-involved-Dad friends, rarely "favours" the Father. It's expensive, it's sexist and it's in need of root and branch reform. Good Dads these days don't sit on their arse and expect "wifey" to do everything - we're interested and involved and committed. FC and the presumptions it makes are rooted somewhere back in the 40s and 50s - coincidentally (not) when many current magistrates were growing up.

Sorry, OP, for the thread hijack but nobody much likes being called a liar, particularly by someone who's never met you and hasn't had to walk in your shoes.

Newbrummie · 24/12/2016 12:35

I'm not calling you a liar, I just find it surprising at the discrepancy in experiences, not to say yours isn't true but the courts must be seriously inconsistent

user1480946351 · 24/12/2016 12:57

Nobody called YOU a liar, they said OP's man MIGHT well be a liar. Don't make the mistake of thinking all fathers are the same, all are interested and good dads. Many, like the man in this thread, are not good dads, or good people.
Why align yourself with people like that, simply because you both have penises?

PaterPower · 24/12/2016 14:23

Newbrummie - The inference was pretty clear, even for a dumb bloke.

User - one could make much the same comment (with genders reversed) of many of the posters on this site but I wasn't defending this guy or comparing him to myself.

I was originally trying to make the point that not going to Court isn't necessarily a sign you don't care about your kids or what happens to them. There's a presumption that "Mum knows best" which I've seen and all the people I personally know who've had encounters with the system have experienced too. It may not be what happens in "every" case but it's prevalent enough that if a man were to ask me whether going to Court would be the right course of action then I'd almost always tell him not to, barring some sort of catastrophic situation (and even then I'd advise him not to expect much).

I met a number of guys in the Court-stipulated communication course (everyone has to do these; it's pointless when one of you is just determined to get his/her own way and beggar the consequences) and not one of them had any faith in the system. By contrast, the women on the course were largely very pleased with what they'd encountered through it.

Anyway, it's a long way off the original post so that's my lot on this thread.

user1480946351 · 24/12/2016 15:16

I was originally trying to make the point that not going to Court isn't necessarily a sign you don't care about your kids or what happens to them

Not making any attempt to use any official channel to see your children is absolutely as sign you don't care about them. Telling your new GF they are fine because you send them money is a sign you don't care about them.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread