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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU want to know I'm the best

190 replies

Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 07:16

I want to know I'm my partners best. I feel stupid writing this but can anyone let me know what they think and why!

My partner had kids with ex, had ex's name tattooed on body (tattooed over now but still did it in first place), proposed (never got married).

I have been married but the back story is, childhood sweethearts that were friends only for many years.

I have never felt what I do for my partner EVER before, I actually didn't think I could feel like this. I'm finding it hard to deal with that when I asked him if he'd ever felt like he does for me, for someone else he replied 'yes, you know that - I had kids didn't i?!'

We are trying for a baby, another first for me as I didn't ever want them with my ex. I know it might look like I'm 'point scoring' but I don't feel I am, their relationship ended horribly so want to know his feelings for me are stronger etc so we can survive more possibly?!

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 21/12/2016 10:21

Of all the ninny headed, small, judgmental comments to make. You know nothing about this man!
Glad someone else said it. I just cannot wrap my head around the judgement here!!

pictish · 21/12/2016 10:33

If he has been through a bad relationship with an acrimonious end, it is normal for him to value his own space. When people have been hurt they sometimes deal with it by becoming reliably self sufficient. I know I have.

You will read scores of women on here who have been through the mill and who guard their independence and personal space jealously. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 10:33

I'm sorry but would someone come on here and say that to a woman?!

It's not the same thing. It's very common for abusive men to claim the woman started it or is the abusive one, happens all the time.
I know the "what about the menz" people like to pretend that men are just as much victims of DV as women, but its not true.

Newbrummie · 21/12/2016 10:43

Equally it does happen, my brother was kicked black and blue by the mother of his kids, didn't want her arrested but she didn't hesitate to cry wolf regularly

pictish · 21/12/2016 10:44

I agree with you user.

But you can't just decide what's going on in this scenario and post as if what you have imagined is fact. OP hasn't said anything to suggest that she is being lied to or mistreated in any way.

Gallavich · 21/12/2016 10:49

Why don't you expect having a baby to change his social life? Why do you think you'd have no choice but to stay in alone? I'm far more concerned about that statement TBH

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 10:49

I didn't decide anything. Just offered a possibility.

IME, when a man tells his new woman that his exwoman was violent, she should be careful. Especially when he's the tattoo their names on himself then wipe them off type, who doesn't seem very aware of or care about his new GF's low self esteem issues even though they are trying for a baby.

I don't know those people, I have no idea what is going on. No reason we can't make suggestions based on experience and stats though.

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 10:49

I didn't decide anything. Just offered a possibility.

IME, when a man tells his new woman that his exwoman was violent, she should be careful. Especially when he's the tattoo their names on himself then wipe them off type, who doesn't seem very aware of or care about his new GF's low self esteem issues even though they are trying for a baby.

I don't know those people, I have no idea what is going on. No reason we can't make suggestions based on experience and stats though.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 21/12/2016 10:54

It's not the same thing. It's very common for abusive men to claim the woman started it or is the abusive one, happens all the time. I know the "what about the menz" people like to pretend that men are just as much victims of DV as women, but its not true.
I am hardly one of 'those' people and I resent the implication. I understand about DV. My father, stepfather and ex boyfriend were all violent towards me in varying degrees, from throwing items to slamming my head in a door, but I wouldn't immediately assume that any man who told me they'd been hit by their DP was lying based on NO information.

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 10:59

I didn't say you were one of those people.

It's not NO information. OP has told us quite a bit.

pictish · 21/12/2016 11:06

User fair enough. And again, I do agree. I would even add to the OP that witnesses to his ex's violence does not mean that the situation was cut and dried all her doing. That's simply what other people saw. It tells nothing of what they didn't.

Statistic show that women in prison for violent crimes have almost inevitably been previous victims of violence themselves.

I'm doing that thing of taking as I find here though. Taking his gender out of it, he sounds like a person on the other side of a poor relationship and that's all.

lovelearning · 21/12/2016 11:24

I absolutely know he loves me, I don't question that.

Tinselbelle, you are protesting too much.

It's time to turn your sails = You need a new direction in life.

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 12:20

Lovelearning there's no way I'd leave him, he's the love of my life and he loves me. That's how I see it.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who would like to hear that their relationship is more equal in the way they view eachother. But I now understand most of you think I have low self esteem. But now the question is, what do I do about it, seeing as some people think I'm not stable enough to start a family, what do I do about it? Any ideas there. I feel like I can't go to the doctors with my concerns, I feel like it's something but nothing at the same time.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 21/12/2016 12:23

I don't expect a baby to make him change seeing his friends etc - I know the chances are that he will continue to go out and I will have no choice but to stay in because kids are in bed etc.

Yeah....but NO.

For the first year or so everyone's social life has to take a hammering. He would be 50% the babies parent. Just cos he can't whip his tit out doesn't mean he has licence to go out as much as before leaving you as Her Indoors. Babies can take a bottle of expressed milk you know. He can certainly stay in more so you don't end up doing 100% of it.

Don't be a doormat even before the conception!!!

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 12:32

@elspethflashman that made me laugh thank you for that! I have had this discussion with him and he said it's a good idea to express and/or do part bottle part breast (if possible) to alleviate the pressure on me as the 'tit bearer'

OP posts:
lollylou2876 · 21/12/2016 12:40

I think you are digging yourself into a hole thought wise. Either something is off with the relationship and that is making you question it or you are seeking validation through your partners love.

He may have loved her more or differently to you, maybe they just had more life experiences but either way it did not last and he is now with you.

I think you need to look into your own thoughts and get to the root of what is making you feel this way.

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 12:41

How do I look into my own thoughts? Any suggestions welcome. I cannot afford a psychiatrist

OP posts:
lollylou2876 · 21/12/2016 12:55

I would just like to add the ex is supposedly violent, and others have witnessed this, which I suppose are from "his camp of family/friends".

Yet he is happy to leave her in full time charge of their children unsupervised.

People do not just explode into anger, unless she had mental issues which again would render her unfit to parent until recovered. Would you leave your child in that situation? or call the ss or police or anyone who could help you protect your child. He doesn't we'd been arguing about xxx and she punched me on the nose etc which would be a plausible story.

Something does not add up it screams of hidden EA and perhaps physical violence as the best form of defense is attack which is what he has done saying she was violent and then this has been verified by someone he knows not an unbiased third party.

You are feeling insecure and don't know why maybe your gut is picking up on something.

Original poster
Tinselbelle · 21/12/2016 12:59

He's not at all happy leaving his kids but she was violent in front of them and it was not getting any better. I've heard off people that have nothing to do with either of them (one guy I know who works in a shop seen them) and yes his family members too but that's always the most likely people for me to hear from. - I don't know her or any of her friends/family.

I believe it though.

OP posts:
lollylou2876 · 21/12/2016 13:04

It's having a deeper think so you know you feel something is off that is a knocking your esteem. But there will be a root cause maybe something in his behaviour is triggering it or maybe it's just you. discreetly take a closer look at the day to day interactions between you& look at your thoughts to get to the root cause.

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 13:10

He's not at all happy leaving his kids but she was violent in front of them and it was not getting any better

Let me guess, he doesn't see them now because she's such a bitch and won't let him? That is usually the next line....

lollylou2876 · 21/12/2016 13:18

I would just be wary as once you are pregnant there is no going back and you may find yourself in the same predicament.

My ex tells people I kicked him out and was physical with him, the first time it happened we were on his works do, everyone was going to a pub after, a bit tipsy and all dressed up I said I want us to go to he said no and pushed me in a large planter, so my beautiful dress got dirty meaning we definitely weren't going. We get home when inside I tell him that he is never to push again as it's a form of violence and he very hard pushes me on the sofa backwards I grab his shirt as I'm falling, it rips all the buttons.

I kick him out he tells everyone I went psycho because he said no to the pub and i attacked him ripped shirt as proof, not that he pushed me twice I'm 5'4 he's 6'5and very heavy built. They are clever.

But hopefully your just over worrying

lovelearning · 21/12/2016 13:56

How do I look into my own thoughts?

I absolutely know he loves me, I don't question that.
there's no way I'd leave him, he's the love of my life and he loves me.
That's how I see it.

Tinselbelle, you are in denial.

whattodowiththepoo · 21/12/2016 14:05

Jesus Christ, the mans done nothing wrong.
Some posters here are so full of shit it's insane.

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 14:08

How do you know he hasn't? You can't have a go at people for assuming its one thing when you are simply assuming the opposite.

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