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Original poster

To feel harrassed about OH's affair?

202 replies

Sohardtochooseausername · 10/11/2016 10:06

Last summer the bottom fell out of my world.

I received a facebook message from husband of a woman that my OH had been having an affair with for at least 3 years, possibly much longer.

At the time our DD was nearly 3 and the message said that they had been having an affair throughout my pregnancy and beyond. It also said that OH was worried this woman's kid was his.

At the time I debated leaving OH but decided against it, because I love him and he is a fantastic father. He promised me it was over and I decided to trust him again. We moved back to my home town and over the past year we have rebuilt our lives here and we have been happy.

The woman's husband bothered me on facebook and twitter, asking me if I was leaving OH, telling me all kinds of disgusting things about what OH had done with his wife. I told him to leave me alone and blocked him.

Then yesterday I got a message on Facebook from a woman I've never heard of telling me about the same stuff. She doesn't say any more than the husband did. I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past.

AIBU to be really upset about this again? Who is this woman? Why is she telling me about this again? Am I being stalked? Should I delete my facebook account? Come off social media altogether just to stop people harrassing me about this? AIBU to be suspicious about what my OH is up to?

OP posts:
Hassled · 10/11/2016 10:11

So the woman messaging you now isn't the same woman your OH had an affair with? Or is the woman messaging you from a fake profile set up by the husband? Either way your OH is in absolutely no position to start getting angry with you - you've done nothing wrong. You should be able to use FB without being bombarded with messages about your OH's affairs - that's entirely his doing, not FB's doing. If you want to keep using social media, keep using social media.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/11/2016 10:13

Is it actually a woman or a fake account the husband set up? Probably upset that your DH seems to have escaped without consequences after all this.

Why is your husband angry that you have a Facebook account? And um, if he didn't have an affair, there would be no reason to drag anything up, so he should just SFTU.

QuizteamBleakley · 10/11/2016 10:13

It sounds very likely that the DH of OW could have created a FB account or roped in a female relation / friend. Clearly, he is still hurting and angry about it but, yes, you're probably best to leave social media as you focus on re-building your lives.

All the best - you must've been through hell but focus on your own family now. Flowers

QuizteamBleakley · 10/11/2016 10:14

It sounds very likely that the DH of OW could have created a FB account or roped in a female relation / friend. Clearly, he is still hurting and angry about it but, yes, you're probably best to leave social media as you focus on re-building your lives.

All the best - you must've been through hell but focus on your own family now. Flowers

CockacidalManiac · 10/11/2016 10:14

What has you being on Facebook got to go with your husband?
It's a bit fucking cheeky of him to get annoyed with you.

MardyGrave · 10/11/2016 10:17

I wouldn't appreciate anger from your husband, not one bit.

SerendipityPhenomenon · 10/11/2016 10:35

How on earth does your husband make out that it is you who was dredging up the past? This situation was brought about SOLELY as a result of his conduct, he needs to be apologising to you again that it has caused you further distress and helping you to deal with it.

ToastDemon · 10/11/2016 10:38

So your husband has a three year affair, including while you were pregnant, possibly impregnates the OW, and now has the weird cheek to get annoyed with you for being on fb?
Wow. What a prince.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/11/2016 10:39

Exactly what Serendipity said.

This is all your husband's fault.

NerrSnerr · 10/11/2016 10:39

He's probably angry you're on Facebook because there's mor chance of you finding out about who he may be currently shagging or other things he hasn't been caught doing.

TheStoic · 10/11/2016 10:39

Your husband is angry with you??

That doesn't sound like the reaction of a remorseful person. What is he worried about you finding out on Facebook?

lollylou2876 · 10/11/2016 10:40

Your dh should not be mad at you for other people initiating contact & you have a right to be upset, over still having to deal with the consequences of his actions.

I would send one final message to the ow's dh & say - it wasn't just him, who got cheated on, but you also, you understand he\they are still dealing with it, which you assume is the reason for the random messages. You just like him, as the injured parties, have the right to deal with it in your own way and have chosen to move on & this is not your concern or business. If this unwanted contact continues you will be calling the police.

Then block him & her & anyone else necessary.

Hellochicken · 10/11/2016 10:45

YANBU to be upset.
Like pp said could it be the OW's husband again, who wants your H to lose you as punishment for the affair.

YANBU to be suspicious of H. He lied and cheated on you for 3+ years.
I really don't know how you get past an affair like that and rebuild some trust, but you have done. I just think it would be natural to be suspicious and with good reason.

Him saying you shouldnt be on facebook is totally unreasonable. You coming off facebook to avoid this man is not unreasonable.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/11/2016 10:46

your husband needs to fucking take responsibility.

I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past

so because he cant keep it in his pmnats you cant go on social media? That's bullshit .

I think he needs to step up and defend you here. Of the OW DH is pissed off, introduce them- let them fight it out

I am angry on your behalf OP,

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 10/11/2016 10:54

This is two separate issues.

Firstly - stay on Facebook if you want to. Make your account completely private, and do not allow anybody who is not already your friend to either friend request or message you.

Secondly - your OH should be eternally grateful that you gave him a second chance and forgave him. He should also realise that any pain you feel about it now or in the future is not your fault, it is his, because he was the one who cheated. Therefore he has no right to be angry or to accuse you of 'dredging up the past'. He needs to realise that there will still be times when you are hurt about what he did, and he needs to treat your feelings with understanding and respect.

Mamadothehump · 10/11/2016 10:54

So your OH has a long term affair, yet gets angry with you for being on FB?? I think he needs a major kick up the arse to sort out what's important here.

riceuten · 10/11/2016 11:03

I wouldn't appreciate anger from your husband, not one bit

Hmm, to use a well-worn cliche, "I think the lady doth protest too much"

CockacidalManiac · 10/11/2016 11:03

At the time I debated leaving OH but decided against it, because I love him and he is a fantastic father

Why do people always say this? He obviously isn't.

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 10/11/2016 11:05

Agreed Cock - I always wonder that too. A wonderful father would not risk breaking up his DC's family by having an affair.

UnoriginalNN · 10/11/2016 11:08

I am genuinely sorry to say this - but as a child of a man who had an affair whilst my mother was pregnant with me -

That makes him, from the off, a shit father. That is complete disregard for a life that hasn't even started yet.

I am sorry but truthfully, he's vile for doing that. And I can testify to the fact they don't change.

Crunchymum · 10/11/2016 11:09

&I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past.*

REALLY? I mean REALLY?

Your partner had a long term affair whilst you were pregnant and for almost all of your child's life and HE has a go at you for being on FB??

OP, I am not a "LTB" type of poster but I think you need to look long and hard at your choice to forgive and stay with this man.

Crunchymum · 10/11/2016 11:10

Let me try again:

I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past

REALLY? I mean REALLY?

Your partner had a long term affair whilst you were pregnant and for almost all of your child's life and HE has a go at you for being on FB??

OP, I am not a "LTB" type of poster but I think you need to look long and hard at your choice to forgive and stay with this man.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 10/11/2016 11:12

I still think about leaving him BTW.

My father had affairs when I was a kid.

I guess I'm hoping that my OH is different.

I have no reason to believe he is still cheating on me. If I ever do again then that will be it.

OP posts:
chipsandgin · 10/11/2016 11:12

Up to you if you are happy being a doormat, but I feel sad for your daughter who has the pair of you as her role models. When she is older would you want her to end up/put up with a lying cheat who fucks other women whilst she is pregnant? Would that really be totally fine as long as he was a 'good father'?

Getting angry with you for going on facebook is controlling behaviour and more than likely because he has more to hide than you currently realise. YANBU at all to suspect that he is up to something.

There are some good men and good fathers out there, he isn't one of them.

chipsandgin · 10/11/2016 11:17

x-posted with you there OP. You say your father had affairs when you were young which explains a lot - you have followed the pattern, maybe break it so your daughter doesn't end up doing the same?

Hope you find the strength and perspective you need to deal with it, IMO he does not deserve to have a family when he showed so little respect for you.