To feel harrassed about OH's affair?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Last summer the bottom fell out of my world.

I received a facebook message from husband of a woman that my OH had been having an affair with for at least 3 years, possibly much longer.

At the time our DD was nearly 3 and the message said that they had been having an affair throughout my pregnancy and beyond. It also said that OH was worried this woman's kid was his.

At the time I debated leaving OH but decided against it, because I love him and he is a fantastic father. He promised me it was over and I decided to trust him again. We moved back to my home town and over the past year we have rebuilt our lives here and we have been happy.

The woman's husband bothered me on facebook and twitter, asking me if I was leaving OH, telling me all kinds of disgusting things about what OH had done with his wife. I told him to leave me alone and blocked him.

Then yesterday I got a message on Facebook from a woman I've never heard of telling me about the same stuff. She doesn't say any more than the husband did. I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past.

AIBU to be really upset about this again? Who is this woman? Why is she telling me about this again? Am I being stalked? Should I delete my facebook account? Come off social media altogether just to stop people harrassing me about this? AIBU to be suspicious about what my OH is up to?

Op, I totally get that, but do you not feel you should know for sure either way?

All you are doing is asking this woman who she is and why she's contacting uou, you don't even have to tell him that's what you're doing. It's then up to uou what uou do. You can ignore it and carry on till you find "the right moment" or you can confront it. But either way I genuinely don't know how you can live with not knowing.

Honestly, I'm sorry , but the more you post, the more it reads like you think he may still be with her. And you could be wrong.amd not knowing that will stop you both healing. And if he is, then is it really worse than the not knowing position uou are maintaining just now?

You're living in a state of fear OP. In a normal forgiving an affair situation being contacted by the OW or her husband/partner would naturally create feelings of anger. But it has made you scared.

This amount to which you're having to bend yourself out of shape to force yourself into an extremely uncomfortable hole comes off your posts in waves.

If there was one thing I'd do in your shoes it would be to explore options that would enable you to leave. Not necessarily to leave but to give yourself some breathing space where you can feel less horribly trapped.

This amount to which you're having to bend yourself out of shape to force yourself into an extremely uncomfortable hole comes off your posts in waves.

That's it, but I don't know what would be comfortable.

You know that his wife didn't cheat on him, Right?

I agree with Mackerel. I think it is highly unlikely that any of the messages you are getting are from the husband. I would bet money on all of them being from the other woman. You also have no way of knowing whether her child is also your husband's as you only have the online word of someone who is highly likely not to be the wronged husband. It is possible your DH has a child with the OW. OP you do seem to be burying your head in the sand. You are bothered by the messages, your DH is defensive and stroppy about the messages, and yet you are taking them at face value and not looking at all at why deep down, they might be ringing alarm bells. The affair may well have ended, and this is the OW hoping to split you up, but it is strange for an OW to be so bothered after so much time, especially if she has a small baby. I would be looking harder into this, finding out if she has a baby at all, as if she has then your DH needs to organise a DNA test. I would also be telephoning her husband , as then I think you will know that it isn't him contacting you. I think your DH knows it, hence his reaction.

It's very strange that you have been contacted a year after the affair came to light, if I am reading right?

And to answer your last sentence, yes you are right to be suspicious of your OH.

Would you not be comfortable if he was out your home and you had peace of mind, you could also be you instead of forcing yourself to carry on in a bloody awful situation.

Yes because your DH is a cunt for cheating on you for so long and being so vile about it. The husband probably thinks you're a pushover for taking such a scum back.

Then your H has problems with you using FB? Yeah duck that.

It's the husband I feel sorry for. He must be gutted :(

What did the message say?

A normal reaction to getting a random message of this sort would be "wtf, who is she, sorry darling, let's ask her who she is " not get angry because uou are on Facebook and accuse uou of dredging up the past, the latter being totally illogical clearly. It's not like uou asked for the message.

I also find the idea the husband waited a year, set up a profile as a woman and suddenly messaged you again as a bit outlandish. Possible but highly unlikely. My money is this is the woman or it's a friend of the woman.

Did the message refer to the affair in the past? Because someone seeking uou out now, a year later, indicates the current.

Mainly read the ops posts.

You seem reluctant to entertain the idea of NOT having a man yet keep choosing duffers!

Definitely get some counselling to improve self esteem, get advice on your financial and legal position if you were to split (it might not be as bad as you think).

He's got a blood nerve getting angry with you! HE fucked up he doesn't get to play the victim! The few examples I know where women stayed with cheats there were ground rules

Complete access to phones, email, social media etc (I find it very hard to believe he's not on social media)

Things move at the right pace for the cheated on partner re sleeping in same bed, sex etc

NO lying - not even minor shit.

NO blaming the person who was cheated on for the affair.

Attend couple counselling to be certain why it happened and to stop it happening again

Frankly I suspect

There's a strong possibility her child is his

It's the ow messaging you - it's unusual behaviour for a man to be honest in my experience, a man especially a copper is more likely to have come round and belted him one!

It's probably still going on

You need to get tested for stds

Also if it's all about stopping upheaval for DD/debts etc then if he is still fucking her or someone else you still won't do anything in that logic.

Look I'm not angry with you per se, just how fucking double standard these situations are. It's either wrong or it isn't.

If you put up with it you might as well not bring it up again because it won't help anything - even though you need to talk.

I hope you and your DD are happy one day and meet a properly decent man or do it alone

Report the harassment to Facebook and the police. If it is the OW's DH he'll get a glorious arse kicking. I suspect it could be OW though. I'd certainly be double checking DH's whereabouts, phone bill etc for my own peace of mind.

I know you're trying to keep things together for your daughter, but this isn't the way. For a start, he's an asshole, and she'll see that at some point whether she's 6 or 16. The older she is, the more she'll feel you colluded in that. You didn't make him an asshole.

Secondly, your dad showed you this was normal and you're staying so that your daughter doesn't have the same childhood... but you're setting the same precedent for her. You're making it very likely that she'll suffer this, too. It's not your fault, it's entirely DHs, but let's face it - he doesn't care. He told you to drop it and went to sleep.

anchordowndeepbreath brilliantly put, totally agree and what I wanted to say but in a gentler and more succinct way!

Really glad to see OP that you have realised that you have shut out the way you feel and are starting to explore it, I hope you take something from all of the above and build yourself up to doing what you know you need to do.

You sound lovely and are clearly worth so much more than what he is capable of giving you because he is an asshat. Good luck.

Op, is it feasible that the messages are regarding another woman or does it talk about this particular OW?

I wouldn't trust him I'm sorry. I think his anger is probably fear/guilt that someone is going to put him again. Why would he he angry otherwise?!

This has major red flags for me and I would be messaging the person back and asking for details of who they are.

Thanks chipsandgin and anchordeepbreath and others. My head is whirling round with thoughts and last night we barely spoke to each other. He didn't mention anything.

Ballsdeep the message was about exactly the same affair, all the details were the same. No new news.

He himself is quite traditional and repressed. He's not one for sharing his feelings or for confronting problems.

He has always told me the same story: that his affair with her started before he met me and it ended before I got pregnant. He's either a good liar (because there is no way I could tell the same lie consistently like that for so long) or it is true and these guys are trying to wreck his life through me.

He himself is quite traditional and repressed. He's not one for sharing his feelings or for confronting problems.

So he is good at hiding things then OP, like an affair.

Sorry but if you honestly believe his story then I think you are in denial.

If the affair happened before he met you how was it an affair and if it ended before you got pregnant, so he was seeing her first then you then both of you then ended it with her?

No way would I believe that - why would these guys do that for no reason, it's the scorned OW trying to land him in it OP.

Until you actually find out the truth you are never going to get off this merrygoround and I hope in the meantime you kick his cheating backside out until he can be truthful.

Of course he can lie consistently, just because you can't doesn't mean he can't, you are two different people.

In fact he has to keep the lie up doesn't he or you would really see him for what he is.

Sorry I just do not believe him.

Your timeline makes no sense here,

Firstly you say the husband contacted you last summer to tell you, and your daughter was nearly three, yet uour partner says it ended before you were pregnant, so you are saying he was telling uou about an affair that ended four years previously? And you believe that? Because at the very least it sounds like it was Recent and current when the husband contacted you.i think uou know that.

Now arguably five years on from it ending, someone else is also contacting uou? You understand how unlikely this is in terms of timeline?

in addition he is telling uou it was going on when uou got together, and he was seeing both of uou at the same time, so your relationship started with him cheating on uou, and again uou are accepting this?

Someone is lying, that much is clear. My money is it's on your partner.

Sorry and why the hell is he not talking to uou??

Bluntness, I am not accepting it. I am questioning it. The timeline is mental. It doesn't make sense to me. Yes, he says that he had us both on the go for a while. It was an affair with her because she was married with a toddler, then pregnant with another baby.

The OW's husband or the OW herself wants to get at my OH through me, that is for sure. It could be because she cheated on her OH when he was only starting to see me, it could be because he finished with her and she wanted him to run away with her, it could be because it went on well past the time he said it stopped. It could be because it is still going on. I just don't know.

He's not talking to me because he knows we will have a row. I'm saying nothing to him about it until I have figured out what to do.

Ok, so you're not buying it,,,I get that, did uou email the woman on Facebook and ask her who she was, that will help uou decide and know more.

You are going to have to face this realistically OP, I know you want to believe him but honestly, wtf will it take - two people now have approached you, do you honestly think they are doing it to bring him down and if so, why, they must hate his guts then, wonder why that is.

Speak to them if you can, get to the bottom of it and get a DNA done, there's every chance this is being hidden so much by him because he knows he's the dad to this baby.

And get him out for now, how can you even be in the same room as him, stop making his life so easy, he caused all this crap and it's bad, really bad but yet, what consequence has he had, none, well protected behind his wife by the sounds of it, what a loser.

Sorry just angry on your behalf that he has gotten away with this so far.

I messaged the OW last night. Didn't message the random woman. She hasn't got back to me. Don't know if she is still with her OH. Her profile picture is just of her and her two boys.

I was reluctant to play their game and send them messages back. Last year I was really hassled by the OW's OH, constantly messaging me asking me if I was going to leave my partner because of what he had told me. I didn't feel that was any of his business, he came across as a really nasty piece of work. Made me less keen to play that game, particularly when my partner said they were exaggerating.

Maybe it's just me but I don't think I'd ever tell a stranger that their partner was having an affair. It doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do.

If I'm reading this right, he was having occasional drunken sex with her, at the time you met. He carried on seeing her (occasionally) until he realised things were getting serious with you. Then he broke it off. So, she feels dumped. The OW husband is bound to me more angry than you, as his wife had an affair with your OH for 3 years. Your OH though was single though, for the most part, wasn't he? How much of an overlap was there? Lots of people date non-exclusively in the beginning, that's very different to cheating.

So, in my view, if he was seeing you both for say 2 months, and you hadn't had the "exclusive" chat, then fine. If however the overlap was a year, well, that's a completely different story.