To feel harrassed about OH's affair?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Last summer the bottom fell out of my world.

I received a facebook message from husband of a woman that my OH had been having an affair with for at least 3 years, possibly much longer.

At the time our DD was nearly 3 and the message said that they had been having an affair throughout my pregnancy and beyond. It also said that OH was worried this woman's kid was his.

At the time I debated leaving OH but decided against it, because I love him and he is a fantastic father. He promised me it was over and I decided to trust him again. We moved back to my home town and over the past year we have rebuilt our lives here and we have been happy.

The woman's husband bothered me on facebook and twitter, asking me if I was leaving OH, telling me all kinds of disgusting things about what OH had done with his wife. I told him to leave me alone and blocked him.

Then yesterday I got a message on Facebook from a woman I've never heard of telling me about the same stuff. She doesn't say any more than the husband did. I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past.

AIBU to be really upset about this again? Who is this woman? Why is she telling me about this again? Am I being stalked? Should I delete my facebook account? Come off social media altogether just to stop people harrassing me about this? AIBU to be suspicious about what my OH is up to?

Btw, I wouldn't trust a single thing, that the OW tells you! Your OH dumped her for you, so she will hate you, I should imagine. If she thinks she can drop a bomb on his relationship with you, by lying about the timeline, that's exactly what she will do.

You do know that the nastiness would been coming from hurt from the OW,OH still not fair on you of course but he was hurting.

Now the timeline
2 girlfriends and he continued behind your back with the OW as you where unaware.
Still cheating whist pregnant
OW second child could be his also. I'd be asking him to get that checked out through a DNA test
One year on someone has messaged you on FB and he gets Arsey and goes to sleep fuck that.
He's still having an affair as after a year of not seeing OW both parties move on usually. Sorry I think he is and he's only telling you what can be proved by the way or what he thinks he can get away with.
He should be bloody grovelling for your forgiveness not getting Arsey with you this is his fault no one else's.

I wasted 10 years on an ex through infidelity as he thought naive me wouldn't mind the shagging around as I'd forgiven him once already. I should of left then but stayed. he made me think I was paranoid, he wouldn't talk to me about why and I got the cold shoulder a lot.
Not talking about his feelings is bullshit after an affair if he wants to work this out he needs to sort it himself not you.
Counselling go to one yourself then couples if needed.

Random woman is OW. pound to a penny it is

I think you just want to believe your OH OP, understandable really.

And yes I would tell the man's wife if he was having an affair with my wife, definitely!

It's a nice thing to do if you are living in ignorant bliss and it's definitely a nicer thing to do than have an actual affair!

People get hurt, this is the aftermath, just find it very strange it's a YEAR later.

I've messaged the random woman too now. I want to know!!!

I don't think I will ever know the truth about this. We weren't serious for about a year, we moved in together after 18 months together. So by his timeline, there was a year or so before we met each other, then another year and a half of seeing us both. I always thought they were just good friends. I am very trusting and open minded. Gullible too.

So I was really annoyed, hurt, upset to hear that he'd been seeing us both in the beginning but that contrasts very sharply with the OW's husband's story, which would have the affair going on for much longer than 3 years, through both her pregnancies and my own.

I also don't know when my OH would be still seeing her. He is home every night, hardly goes out, hangs around with us at the weekends. He commutes to the city where we used to live every day so he could still be fitting her in on his lunch break. But that seems a bit far fetched.

However, I want to know why I'm being contacted again after all this time. And what exactly is the truth. And if I've been a complete mug.

HuskyLover1 - I've no doubt whatsoever I've been painted as a certifiable pschyo by my ex. But I'm telling the truth as random as our story may sound. Women blame other women far too easily in 99% of cases. And that's where we all go wrong

A lot of men start up affairs when their partner is pregnant, it's actually scarily common!

You definitely need to find out the right dates here OP, I hope you get some truth.

Response from random woman:
I'm just aware of it and aware of the lies. I obviously know having spoken to [OW's OH]. I think he said he had contacted you before. As long as you are aware. They are friends of mine and it's had a big impact. That's why. You won't hear from me again.

Random.

I then asked if anything was still going on. She says not that she is aware of.

So it would appear they are trying to mess up his life again.

He messed up his own life when he got involved with a married woman, I still find the whole thing dubious.

You still don't know when the affair started OP and when it ended.

Why would they do that ? Really

What do you think pissssedofff? Nothing going on, random woman is just a busybody!

Meanwhile it's making me feel really crap again about my choices. I'm going to try and get some help to work through this.

You need to do what's best for you and your daughter.

Do I believe random people going around being a "busybody" no I don't, who has the time, energy or inclination ?
You need some closure here though to build a peaceful future.

Omg, why would some random woman do that, that's just appalling. To email a stranger like that.

Anyways, well done in asking, I'd put this behind uou now. You were already doing that and successfully so before this weirdo decided to interfere and bring it all up again,

Ignore freaky busy body lady. Move on with uour life. 😍

Now that is strange after a year she random woman wants you to be aware. Mmm I smell a rat myself but you can only decide on what best to do.
Id seriously go for counselling.
Also talk to your husband and don't be fobbed off either and tell him why. You need reassured from this as he wronged you. If he gets Arsey call him on it. You don't need the gory details but you need to know it won't happen again.
In fact what would you do if he did it again would you leave then.

I smell a rat too. I would be seriously questioning my oh, despite him having his head up his arse! It's not on and it's not nice for you to read, but I have a niggle about this and am wondering why a random would message u in graphic detail???

I have no reason to believe he is still cheating on me

...other than the fact he is super angry and wants you off facebook - not the actions of an innocent man. I'd wager.

Maybe it's just me but I don't think I'd ever tell a stranger that their partner was having an affair. It doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do.

So being told the truth by a stranger isn't nice? Even the truth that enlightens you about you being betrayed?

I'd want to know if my husband was cheating or if he'd cheated.

It doesn't meant the person telling you isn't nice. Knowledge is power. If you know the truth you can make an informed decision.

I can't trust him and I can't trust random messages on Facebook.

I'd rather find out about infidelity myself in the traditional way. Lipstick on collar, OW perfume on his clothes, wondering why he's working late all the time all of a sudden, complete change in behaviour, that kind of thing.

Maybe it's my screwed up upbringing but I've always thought people's relationships were private things. One thing for a friend to tell a friend that their partner's cheating, or even the wronged partner in my case -- but a random friend of theirs who knows I know and just wants to check I know. That's weird.

Yes I'm going to get someone to talk to and sort this out.

It's possible to stay with someone after the affair but trust is built and ensuring you don't feel
Like crap is so important.

This means reassurance months/ years after the affair. Your DH should have reassured you after getting the fb message not
Get angry. You should have access to his phone - wether you look or not is a different matter but trust is built

I've known a friend to tell their friend of an affair anonymously, for fear of not being believed and being accused of being a troublemaker. She did it via a fake email address and provided facts and proof that were undeniable.

Once people have been betrayed themselves, some have the view that they will always tell if they know. They feel made a fool of and angry that those who knew said nothing. I know colleagues that told the wife or husband, because they were sick of the workplace affair going on.

You seem to want to be in denial.

I don't use my real name on Facebook, I have a fictitious name and it means not only are my settings private ( until change them, which they do from time to time) it means people can't find me unless they have my email address, or they know my silly fake name ( think Moon Shine)

I add friends and they know it's me from a clear up-to-date photo of me.

Just an idea for you if you want extra privacy.

I work in a role where I have dealings with police and have been told having a fake name on fb is an excellent idea - just saying

But OP Facebook is what we have now, same with mobile phones, whatsapp and instagram. Unless an affair is playing out right under your nose, you aren't interested.

I think you're burying your head in the sand.

I don't want to be in denial, but if everyone is saying this was over years ago and there are no new allegations and I have absolutely no reason to believe anything else is going on right now then that's not really denial is it?

I may more be in denial about the kind of relationship I want and what I want my future to be but that's not about his past infidelity that's about whether he is the right guy for me. That's for me to work out.

If a stranger had messaged me to tell me something new, something I didn't know then that would have been different. In this case it was like self-righteous rubbernecking. But I take posters' points about how this has stirred up all my uncertainties and I do need to work on that.

It seems that you might never know the full truth. The question is can you come to terms with that? If you are sure there is nothing going on now and your relationship is good can you move on? X