To feel harrassed about OH's affair?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Last summer the bottom fell out of my world.

I received a facebook message from husband of a woman that my OH had been having an affair with for at least 3 years, possibly much longer.

At the time our DD was nearly 3 and the message said that they had been having an affair throughout my pregnancy and beyond. It also said that OH was worried this woman's kid was his.

At the time I debated leaving OH but decided against it, because I love him and he is a fantastic father. He promised me it was over and I decided to trust him again. We moved back to my home town and over the past year we have rebuilt our lives here and we have been happy.

The woman's husband bothered me on facebook and twitter, asking me if I was leaving OH, telling me all kinds of disgusting things about what OH had done with his wife. I told him to leave me alone and blocked him.

Then yesterday I got a message on Facebook from a woman I've never heard of telling me about the same stuff. She doesn't say any more than the husband did. I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past.

AIBU to be really upset about this again? Who is this woman? Why is she telling me about this again? Am I being stalked? Should I delete my facebook account? Come off social media altogether just to stop people harrassing me about this? AIBU to be suspicious about what my OH is up to?

Come Armageddon this man has not got your back, he'd feed you and your daughter to the zombies to save himself from what you've described !

Either stay with him and carry on being treated like shit and him being unfaithful to you, which he will be.

Or leave him.

God knows who the woman is, and who cares. That's not part of your real life. He is.

HE got annoyed with you - cheeky, hypochritical git ... if he hadn't been so deceitful in the first place for a massive period of time, you'd have no reason to say anything - you are wonderful though because I couldn't bear to be with anyone who had cheated - I don't think my nature would allow me to ever trust them again or get things out of my head.

Who was the recent person who sent you a message?

Personally, I would be looking at his phone without his knowledge. I would need to know.

I wouldn't be surprised if both the messengers (the 'DH' and the 'friend') were the OW trying to upset you and to get you to seperate. If they're saying the same things and know lots of sordid details, it seems possible.

Why would the DH want to break you up? That would leave your OH free to pursue a relationship with his DW! The OW has much more of a vested interest in you getting upset and angry. I suspect they are both her. She could of course do it under her own name, but that would paint her in a bad light to your OH. This way she looks like a victim.

This is awful. I think one day in the future you will wake up and wonder why you didn't leave this selfish man sooner.

I do understand that financially it would be difficult and scary, so I'm absolutely with you on that score. However, although you clearly love him and you say he is a good father he has treated you abominably, and this FB reaction from him is very immature - it's like he just expects you to get over it all because that's what he wants, completely unrealistic of him and actually very selfish. He should certainly not be pointing the finger at you for any reason after betraying you so massively.

He may be a good and loving father on the surface and in a practical way, but he knew when he was having the affair that if he got caught his child could end up with a broken home, and he still put the needs of his dick higher than the future security of his child.

You can (and I hope you will) do much better than him. Nobody deserves to be repeatedly lied to for three whole years, that really does show a staggering lack of respect for you.

Well, you certainly held onto the booby prize, didn't you

Good for you Pisssssedoff!

I think I probably do have lower expectations from men than most of my friends. I truly thought OH was different, I was so happy with him until last year. I would never have had a child with him if I had had any suspicions that he would treat me badly (hence a hideous line up of dumped losers before him.)

His version of events is different from the husband of the woman's. He said that yes the affair lasted 3 years but started before I met him, was mostly drunk sex and she was unhappy in her marriage (because her OH does sound like a complete asshole, especially given the stuff he wrote to me last year.) He said that he ended it when he and I 'got serious'. That there was some contact after I got pregnant.

I don't believe either story particularly. I think it is somewhere in between and like many people say, if there was any doubt about who fathered her child I should be dropping him like a hot potato. And I would have if I had known any of this before we had a child together.

I reconciled myself to giving OH the benefit of the doubt the one time. But if there is any indication that it is still going on (and I will investigate) then I will reconsider our 'happy family' for sure.

I realise there is no 'good' time in a child's life for their parents to separate. I am watching one of my friends dealing with it with her 2 year old, another with a 6 and a 5 year old, and I know how painful it was for me when I was 12. Finding out your father is an asshole is not a great feeling, whether he is a cheater or just a regular asshole. I really don't want that for my DD so I want to give him a chance to prove himself.

Magicpaintbrush - yes that's kind of where my head is at. But it is hard to imagine a life without him around.

You chose to stay with him so that is your path to walk.

He has no right to get angry at you being on any social media you chose.

He has no right to get angry you showing him a message you have recently been sent.

You are not dredging up the past.

He is angry because he feels guilty for what happened or there is something going on now.

No matter what he has absolutely no right to take it out on you and you should knock that on the head and refuse to accept it.

But he is an asshole, whether she finds that out now or in 5 or 10 years doesn't take away from the fact that he's an asshole

OP I'm sorry you're getting harassed and hope you can block them.

It's obviously your choice to stay with your husband but he has no right getting angry about you being on FB. I would be telling him how very lucky he is. 99% of other women would have kicked him out and he would now be living in a grotty bedsit. Let him ponder on that next time he decides to be angry with his wife who forgave him cheating for three years.

What was her version of events?

You say this nan harassed you on fb.

Then an old friend harassed you also.

Now this other person is harassing you... what do you mean by harassing? trying to get you to see the truth?

He is angry at you.

Is he quite controlling in general?

man not nan

God, how utterly depressing.

YANBU to be suspicious of your h. A three year affair is just beyond the pale and as you've chosen to stay with this liar/cheat, this is your life from now on sadly. No man is worth this and no child deserves to be raised under this sham marriage.

Oohthatsme - I never heard the OW's version of events, just her husband's. His was that it had been going on for years, might still be going on, that my OH was begging her to leave him. OH's version is that it was over when we got serious, before DD was even a concept, and that he cut off all contact about two years ago. I suspect somewhere in between but I did choose to believe that it was over.

Therealloislane - he is very passive and gentle generally. Not controlling really. I am free to pursue my interests and we do fun things together. I've been very content with him, the happiest I've been with anyone.

Harrassing - telling me things I already know, uninvited. Looking me up and barging into my personal space, my relationship. I know they want me to leave him but is it a) because he's an asshole b) because they want him for themselves c) just a bit of revenge? I don't know the people who have messaged me about this. It's creepy.

I need to be sure before I blow my world apart, my daughter's, my wider family's, my friendships.

Last year when this was all kicking off and I was sleeping in the spare room and thinking of leaving we were at the park and there was a guy there with his kids and it was clear it was 'daddy's day', and I think the penny dropped for him then, that if he didn't shape up then that would be him.

I've had no reason to be suspicious since, I just don't know why I am being contacted again, when the message was all about the stuff in the past which I knew about and had decided to trust was all over.

I think you need to really decide what you want your life to be.

If you want to carry on with forgiving him and getting over the past then you need to block all contact with the husband, probably come off all social media (in case he is cheating still/you find out more gory details/ow tries to contact you) don't snoop on him at all and trust him

If you are at all like me then I would be tearing him a new one for even thinking about getting 'cross' I was on Facebook, I would be snooping in car/phone/pockets etc, I would be finding out why he is so worried about me being on social media and would be packing his bags and telling him to fuck off tbh!

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you are setting an awful example to your DD, you are being a doormat and allowing yourself to be treated like shit! He cheated on you for 3 years if not longer! It was not a one off, he didn't give a shit about you or your DD at any point. He is a shit father, shit role model and shit person.

So he has an affair..

As a result you both moved, and now you are not allowed to mention it again..

I would be furious with him for been angry with you..

What was your response because it does sound like there are plenty issues that need dealing with.

My exh hated S.media...Fine he didn't have to go on it..You make your own decisions.

I'm sorry OP, but your dh is horrible.
He should be putting your mind at rest and sorting this mess out, it isn't yours it's his.

Please don't allow him to be angry with you, stand up for yourself and tell him he better sort it, stop having a go at you.
If his dick hadn't wondered you wouldn't be getting these messages.
Time to ltb, not because of the affair in itself but his despicable attitude.

Starlight - I am furious. I said that he had no right to assume it was done and dusted or that I would not be upset by being harrassed by whoever it is. It's not my fault that people are contacting me to tell me about his wrongdoing. He said I was trying to make him feel bad and that it wasn't his fault either. I said it is his fault and he said don't make me feel bad. Then he turned out the light and pretended to go to sleep.

gillybeanz, this is where my head is at. It's so hard. I am so sad.

I think it's so disappointing that posters call a betrayed wife names because she's decided to stay with her husband after a betrayal. No one calls a wife who leaves names. Stop it. This poster has decided to stay for now, support her in whatever way she wants. Don't criticise. It's her life not yours.

OP, I hope you find happiness.

sounds like all he cares about is his feelings - where is he caring about how much he's hurt YOU?