To feel harrassed about OH's affair?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Last summer the bottom fell out of my world.

I received a facebook message from husband of a woman that my OH had been having an affair with for at least 3 years, possibly much longer.

At the time our DD was nearly 3 and the message said that they had been having an affair throughout my pregnancy and beyond. It also said that OH was worried this woman's kid was his.

At the time I debated leaving OH but decided against it, because I love him and he is a fantastic father. He promised me it was over and I decided to trust him again. We moved back to my home town and over the past year we have rebuilt our lives here and we have been happy.

The woman's husband bothered me on facebook and twitter, asking me if I was leaving OH, telling me all kinds of disgusting things about what OH had done with his wife. I told him to leave me alone and blocked him.

Then yesterday I got a message on Facebook from a woman I've never heard of telling me about the same stuff. She doesn't say any more than the husband did. I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past.

AIBU to be really upset about this again? Who is this woman? Why is she telling me about this again? Am I being stalked? Should I delete my facebook account? Come off social media altogether just to stop people harrassing me about this? AIBU to be suspicious about what my OH is up to?

I guess I'm hoping that my OH is different

But love, he's already proved he is just the same

He's a shit for doing this to you, and if you don't mind me saying so, your dad was a shit for doing it too and teaching you that it's acceptable behaviour.

Well you've obviously decided to accept your OH's behaviour and not think too deeply into it.

So yeah you should probably come off FB, because I'm sure there are plenty more OW and wronged husbands out there who will "harass" you at some point.

I think if I read my story then I would think LTB - but it's never that simple is it?

I don't think we are setting DD a bad example just now. She is happy and thriving and as a family we are very loving and we'd all miss that.

I guess I'm hoping that my OH is different.

He won't be. I'm sorry.

He had a long running affair through your pregnancy and beyond.

Now he gets angry with YOU when something crops up.

Get yourself away from him and into therapy for a good while before you date again. Your DF's past behaviour is affecting your perspective on your current situation.

But he isn't different, he's already had an affair.

He has no right to be angry at you. Fucking cheek. He caused this.

Dixiewishbone - I wish there was someone who would explain that to him.

I will check my privacy settings on fb (I thought I was mega private after an ex school friend bothered me) and change my name - I have an unusual name so it is easy to find me.

Does your dh allow you open access to his social.media accounts/whatsapp etc?

This would be the bare minimum if I chose to stay with a cheater.

He doesn't use social media, NapQueen. Not that I know of anyway!

I have his phone password but I don't check up on him. I have to trust him or it's over.

chipsandgin

"Up to you if you are happy being a doormat, but I feel sad for your daughter who has the pair of you as her role models"

This is really unnecessary and overly harsh. The op hasn't done anything wrong, it is her decision to stay with her husband and she is trying to do the right thing by her family, she is not a bad role model.

But yes your husband has absolutely no right to speak to you like that, he should be doing everything possible to make things right and I hope you find a way to communicate that to him.

from hard experience…if your OH can maintain that level of deceit for 3 years…through pregnancy, birth and beyond then he is an arse. That is a long time. A one night stand is a bad mistake, this is proper deception. And he's cross with you about bringing up the past? I would be heartily suspicious.

Goodness me. I suspect he is probably still having an affair with this women, and she's created another account so she can tell you about it. Again.

How long has the affair been 'over' for OP?

I do agree with other posters op that if you are choosing to stay with your husband you need to make sure everything is out in the open for your own peace of mind, and not let him bury things under the carpet by accusing you of dragging up the past. His mistakes are impacting on the present atm.

You are not unreasonable to be suspicious of him.

Apologies, misread the OP. I wonder if its the husband of her setting up another profile to tell you this.

I guess you don't know if their marriage is over or not.

He is not a good man, a good husband, or a good father.
Good men, husbands and fathers don't risk breaking up their families and hurting their wife and child to get their dick wet.
I feel very bad for you, but when you stay with a man who makes a deliberate mistake , you kind of give it permission to follow you in future, and you accept there is a higher chance of it happening again (Whatever that mistake is)

dangermouseisace I'm sorry to hear you've had experience. It is not nice.

I don't want a lot of upheaval in our lives. Not just now. We moved house at easter and we are skint. DD is starting school next year. I'm about to start a new job. The world has gone mad, Brexit, Trump etc.

I want my DD's world to feel safe right now.

Sohardtochooseausername. Babe if you've got his phone passcode, he'll have another phone if he's cheating. Ask to borrow the car keys to get something out the boot one evening, see if he'll give them to you and have a good check over the car

Jackiebrambles - I don't think their marriage is over. Not according to OH or to the guy who messaged me last year.

Cocklodger - How many good men are there out there?

Your partner is a twat. Has an affair and then gets angry with you when somebody randomly sends you the sordid details on facebook?

Tell him to get a fucking reality check and it is all HIS fault for not keeping his dick to himself.

If you still think about leaving him, then it is clearly because you KNOW deep down it is the right thing to do.

So is he the father of the other child?

You are deluded if you think he is a good father to your child. He had an affair for three years including whilst you were pg. unbelievable you stayed with him. Expect more of the same really.

Pisssedoff - I don't want to snoop on him. I don't think I'd get more honesty from him that way.

I wouldn't let brexit and trump mean that you have to stay with him. Your dd is 3 she doesn't know about those things.

OP you already know that you can't trust him so that ship has sailed. You don't even know for sure how long the affair lasted. How did he meet her, does he still see her? Does he know if her kid is his? Have you been screened for STDS? He has no reason to get angry at you, if I was you I would definitely be checking his phone, after what he did why wouldn't you?

mouldycheesefan - he is 100% not the father of the other child. The man told me this had been checked out.