To feel harrassed about OH's affair?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Last summer the bottom fell out of my world.

I received a facebook message from husband of a woman that my OH had been having an affair with for at least 3 years, possibly much longer.

At the time our DD was nearly 3 and the message said that they had been having an affair throughout my pregnancy and beyond. It also said that OH was worried this woman's kid was his.

At the time I debated leaving OH but decided against it, because I love him and he is a fantastic father. He promised me it was over and I decided to trust him again. We moved back to my home town and over the past year we have rebuilt our lives here and we have been happy.

The woman's husband bothered me on facebook and twitter, asking me if I was leaving OH, telling me all kinds of disgusting things about what OH had done with his wife. I told him to leave me alone and blocked him.

Then yesterday I got a message on Facebook from a woman I've never heard of telling me about the same stuff. She doesn't say any more than the husband did. I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past.

AIBU to be really upset about this again? Who is this woman? Why is she telling me about this again? Am I being stalked? Should I delete my facebook account? Come off social media altogether just to stop people harrassing me about this? AIBU to be suspicious about what my OH is up to?

[Jackiebrambles]

If they are still together (I mean the OW and her husband) then this could well be him trying to make contact with you again by setting up a fake profile as you blocked him before.

I wonder if he thinks the affair is still going on and is trying to get you to engage with him.

So shit for you

[PupPupBoogie]

What steps has he taken to find out if he is the father of the child he suspects is his? and to support snd be involved with that child?

Im guessing none, in which case hes not relly a good father at all, is he.

[Cocklodger]

There are plenty of good men, and bad, out there.
This one falls into the latter category I'm afraid.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

mouldycheesefan - we are in a fair bit of debt, will be for 2-3 years. With economy etc I don't know what horrible surprises are around the corner, so while DD doesn't know about them she'd know if we lost our house. Maybe I am being a bit calculating but I'd rather keep things stable for a few years till I feel a bit more in control.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Puppupboogie - it's not his kid. Thank fuck.

Cocklodger - I always seem to end up with the wastes of space.

[Bluntness100]

This is very strange,

Firstly ask this woman who she is and what skin she has in this game, why she is contacting you. I'd absolutely want to know that. Why are you trying to go more private? So people can't tell you what he's being doing?

But right off I'd want to know who she was and why she is contacting you now. Could she be the woman he had the affair with? A friend of the woman? No way I'd just go private and ignore that, I'd want to know why she was contacting uou and what her part in this was, why she felt the need. You don't need to tell your husband your asking, just message her back and say who are you and why are you sending me this?

And as others have said, your hubby is off the wall out of order. He's angry because uou are on face book? Really??? You're dredging it up? Don't think so,,,I'd say that sounds like guilt to me. Either over the previous affair or because it's still going on.

Find out, don't just bury your head in the sand,

[bumsexatthebingo]

It sounds as thought the husband has set up a fake account. He is likely pissed off that your oh has ruined his relationship yet has lost nothing and is still playing happy families. He shouldn't be harassing you though.
And how dare your oh be annoyed with you about something that has come about entirely as a result of his poor behaviour - and when you have forgiven him as well. There are men out there who will treat you much better than that op but if you're choosing to stay with your oh then you can't really complain.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

It's not a great situation to be in, is it?

I don't want to know any more about it. I got all the sordid detail last year than I could ever want.

Yes you're right I can't complain if I am choosing to stay with him. I like his company and I am upset about being contacted by strangers. I know it is OH's fault not mine we are in this situation.

Is there anyone out there who does stay with someone who is unfaithful? Or anyone who has worked through an affair and got to the other side? Or do you all think that once a shagger always a shagger?

[Underthemoonlight]

I'm surprised you stayed op you will never trust no matter how much you tell yourself. 3 year affair started when you were pregnant he could have endangered your health and that of your unborn baby at the time. The level of deceit that he would have had to go to through those years makes him an expert, he started this when it was suppose to be a happy time in your lives what is he going to be like when times are hard.

Break the cycle show your dd in the future this type of behaviour isn't tolerated.

[BabyGanoush]

ask the woman who she is and why she is messaging you.

Get angry with your H for telling you you should not be on FB

If he doesn't want you on FB, he probably has something to hide

[midsomermurderess]

I struggle to reconcile a man being unfaithful to you for three years with him being a fantastic father.

[Underthemoonlight]

OP HE CONTINUED THIS FOR 3 YEARS IT WASN'T A ONE TIME THING OR SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED AT CHANCE!

[MistressDeeCee]

Horrid man. & I guess if there's suspicion the other child is his then he wasn't using protection either. & was no doubt coming home sleeping with you. Sorry to put it in such basic fashion but it is what it is

His anger is wrong you've the patience of a saint OP because Id have rocketed him for being angry when HE is the one who played away and risked breaking up his family. & what about the child does s/he matter? If that is his child then s/he may come knocking on your door one day I hope you're prepared for that

Up to you if you stay or go, we all have our unique ways of dealing with things but please don't insult good, decent men by calling sexually loose cheating men "great fathers". Great fathers are focused on their family lives not sneaking around getting their end away risking the break up of their own family, and colluding alongside another nasty cheat in destroying another family home/marriage

[NerrSnerr]

I wouldn't trust again after a 3 year affair. A good father does not shag someone else when they have a pregnant wife/ newborn. My husband hated being away with work when our baby was tiny as he wanted to be with us as much as possible.

I think he is angry you're on FB because he has something to hide. I'd probably be having periodical STD tests as well.

[Marynary]

I think that having an affair for three years is very different to a short term affair as it would suggest he is capable of an incredible amount of deception (unless you are very unquestioning) and probably doesn't have much of a conscience. It is very likely that if he has something to hide at the moment and that is why he is angry that you are on facebook. He has absolutely no right to get angry about anything to do with his affair and you have every right to not trust him an inch.

[mouldycheesefan]

Do feel sorry for the little girl. Dad being an utter shit but mum thinks he is a great dad, hopeless case really. Doubtless she will grow up with rock bottom expectations of what a reslationship is and what being a good parent is. Poor kid.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

A one off that someone was hammered and genuinely sorry for, I'd think about it. A 3 year affair whilst I as pregnant and could have potentially fathered any other child, nope, no coming back from that. Sorry OP, in the nicest way, you are a mug for accepting this.

The anger and comment that you shouldn't be on social media would have me looking at his phone I'm afraid. He has no right to get angry at you, he created this mess.

[Manumission]

How many good men are there out there?

Millions!!!

[SemiNormal]

When my son was in SCBU I met a wonderful lady and her beautiful tiny baby. We got talking about why our babies were premature. Her OH had cheated on her whilst pregnant, contracted an STI and passed it onto her causing the baby to be dangerously premature - very well could have lost that little all because the OH couldn't keep his dick in his pants. At the time she said he nearly killed that baby and so he'd never see the baby, ever.

People need to realise that when they have affairs they are putting the health (and sometimes lives) of their child or partner (who may be the mother of their child/ren) at risk. THAT is the most disgusting and unforgivable thing.

OP Your OH is being beyond unreasonable about you being on FB. In fact I would be highly suspicious of the fact he doesn't want you on there.

[Adorabell]

Message back once, say that you and your OH have moved on and you suggest the other husband does the same, whether that meens rebuilding his marriage or not. Hope they can find happiness/peace again.

Then block.

And as pp said, using social media is not wrong but OH being angry if you do is wrong.

[YoHoHoandabottleofTequila]

Getting angry at you would make me think he was guilty of something.

[Marynary]

To be honest OP, your forgiving/resigned attitude towards his affair probably stems from the fact that your own father had many affairs and you have much lower standards than the majority of women as a consequence. You should consider breaking the cycle so that your DD has higher standards and expectations from a relationship.

[Pisssssedofff]

Sohardtochooseausername
I turned a blind eye for nearly ten years. He did it once, I told his dad to tell him I knew and to stop it. His dad wasn't that direct and so he thought he'd got away with it, whilst I thought he'd been warned. Then he did it again, I threw him out into the snow Christmas Eve, again warned never to do it again but this time he knew I knew. All that actually did was give him permission to shit all over us because he'd been told you can do it again and get away with it. So guess what he did !
The last time I found out I smacked him round the head with a lap top, which I regret. I needed that laptop.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Your daughter needs a better relationship role model than either of you are currently showing her

[sparechange]

OP, your posts just make me so sad.

Is there a part of you deep down that thinks there is something going on and that's why you are in denial about checking his phone?

You also come across as very anxious - using the Trump election as an excuse to not LTB is... tenuous at best but you seem to be catastophising and assuming the only way you will survive whatever disaster you think is coming is with him?

This must be eating you up inside. I wonder if you anxiety would improve if you weren't with this constant reminder of betrayal in your home...