To feel harrassed about OH's affair?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Last summer the bottom fell out of my world.

I received a facebook message from husband of a woman that my OH had been having an affair with for at least 3 years, possibly much longer.

At the time our DD was nearly 3 and the message said that they had been having an affair throughout my pregnancy and beyond. It also said that OH was worried this woman's kid was his.

At the time I debated leaving OH but decided against it, because I love him and he is a fantastic father. He promised me it was over and I decided to trust him again. We moved back to my home town and over the past year we have rebuilt our lives here and we have been happy.

The woman's husband bothered me on facebook and twitter, asking me if I was leaving OH, telling me all kinds of disgusting things about what OH had done with his wife. I told him to leave me alone and blocked him.

Then yesterday I got a message on Facebook from a woman I've never heard of telling me about the same stuff. She doesn't say any more than the husband did. I showed OH the message and he got angry with me for a) being on facebook and b) dredging up the past.

AIBU to be really upset about this again? Who is this woman? Why is she telling me about this again? Am I being stalked? Should I delete my facebook account? Come off social media altogether just to stop people harrassing me about this? AIBU to be suspicious about what my OH is up to?

[Pisssssedofff]

He's just worn you down and trios your confidence into the ground - again mine did this and then when it came to the crunch he had the fucking audiacity to leave me because I wasn't a happy little soldier after all that, I apparently drained him with all my crying and shit over him shagging 30 year olds - imagine !
Just don't give him the satisfaction

[Sohardtochooseausername]

yellowfrog - he is either totally selfish and doesn't care or he is telling me the truth when he says it was all over well before DD was born. Either way, he should care that someone is harrassing me about it on social media and be nicer to me about it.

[Bluntness100]

I'm unsure why people are so sure this is the husband,,,it very well might not be. It could be the woman he had an affair with, it could be a friend of hers, it's been over a year for goodness sake.

Op. are you worried it's still going on? and that's why you won't check his phone and don't want to ask this woman the question? It seems to me you're putting you head in the sand here, which is exactly what you said you didn't want for your daughter because of your own child hood and I assume what your own mum did.

You don't have to leave him, you don't even need to confront him, but I don't know how anyone whose husband had a three year affair and gets a message from a woman a year later can just ignore it and tighten up her privacy settings,

Simply ask who she is and why she is contacting uou now.

[RichardBucket]

What exactly are this "man"'s good qualities? He certainly isn't a good father or a good partner. What does he bring to your life?

[TitaniasCloset]

I agree with a lot of the comments on here, you do sound nervous and as if you are catastrophising
And OH is a selfish arse. But I understand telling you to leave because other people would not put up with it puts a lot of pressure on you as you are scared to leave and be a single mum and struggle. As a single mum myself it has been really hard and constantly scraping by financially is no fun, so I get that. If you ever decide to leave you need to do it on your terms and in a way that benefits you, this is not being manipulative, its just being realistic, you were the wronged party in this after all.
I do think you need to find out who this person is and why they are contacting you. But if its the other husband or wife then yes it probably is a case of them not believing your OH has suffered enough and deliberately trying to break up your marriage. And you don't need that stress and upset on top of everything else.
I feel for you, not really sure what to advise but can understand this from your point of view
I think trying your best to keep a marriage together for your child is also understandable. Easy for someone outside to see it in a clear cut way.
The only advice i have is to work on yourself, even get therapy/counselling just for yourself if you want, and take a course or part time job or something to add to your CV for your own future security and self esteem.

[JellyBelli]

Complain to the police, let them look into it, If the husband has created a fake account to harass you, or persuaded a female friend to do so on his behalf, its stalking. You should be able to get a restraining order against him for starters.

Second, tell your husband this is aftermath from his affair and he should be supporting you. You are the one being harassed. Complaints about you haing and FB acount are a red herring

[Pisssssedofff]

God if the police looked into every FB incident they would do nothing else all day, they aren't interested

[Greengoddess12]

Whatever you decide love and it's your decision and your marriage and no one else's I wish you luck op you sound so nice.

[missmoz]

If you are in your hometown then you should have the support network to leave him if you want to.

You are allowed to make him feel bad, he made you feel bad when he lied to you for years. You are allowed to discuss it all you want and ask for any evidence you feel you need. It's not so much the cheating (although that's pretty fucking bad) it's the way he is treating you afterwards.

[JellyBelli]

If you dont complain they dont know how prevelant it is. This person hasnt let it go aftre 3 years and has changed identity, he's a stalker. It isnt a few nasty comments.
They wont ever be interested if people just sit in fear at home and dont say anything.

[Greengoddess12]

jelly

Seriously you think the police would be interested when it's a simple click to block on FB and there were no threats made here.

[toptoe]

He shouldn't be angry with you. Perhaps he's angry it has all been resurrected but he should be angry with himself if anyone.

On the FB note, ramp up your security as you say and if I were you and you suspect the OW's husband is messaging you disguised as a woman, then put as little information about you, your dh and your dc on fb as possible.

Does a shagger ever change? No, is my honest opinion built on a lifetime of experience. Even if they are with their 'soul mate' they can't help themselves. For me once someone cheats, they will always be a cheat. Some people genuinely would never do it because they would not be that unkind or compartmentalise their actions in that way. It's the same if someone lies, they are always going to use lying as a way of getting what they want. Unless they have major, lifechanging event like they have a near death experience and it fundamentally changes how they view life and other people.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Titaniascloset - thank you for being so understanding! I would not do what anyone said on here but many of the posts reflect what I am feeling.

I think I would benefit from some counselling/I was considering couples counselling this morning. But yet again that's me trying to fix it, not him.

I am the breadwinner in the house, I am senior management. I earn twice as much as OH. We do need the combined income, or we will need to change where we live etc. And we just bought a house we can't really afford, so couldn't sell that even if we wanted to.

As I said he is passive, easy going. I do all the work, financial stuff etc. He washes the dishes every night and he is very attentive to DD. I am keeping a lot of resentment about him locked up. I probably do deserve better but it is terrifying to think about.

I did wonder about the police jellibelli but didn't think it would be worth bothiering with. The OW's husband is apparently a cop so I am pretty sure I'd not be taken very seriously.

[JellyBelli]

Its gone beryond harassment, its stalking. Dont tell women to STFU and put up with it, its shit advice.
At least pick up the phone and make a complaint. It takes 15 minutes.

[JellyBelli]

OK OP you dont want to leave him and you dont want to complain about the stalking. I'm going to hide this thread.

[ENormaSnob]

I feel so sorry for you op.

This man doesn't have an ounce of respect for you.

Get some councelling for yourself before you embark on couples councelling.

I hope you find the esteem to leave the lying prick.

[Nanny0gg]

You don't need couples counselling, you need it for yourself. You may also find it better to get this moved to Relationships rather than AIBU as it's not quite so harsh.

For the moment at least you have decided to stay with your husband and it isn't for a load of strangers on the internet to insist that's wrong and you should leave.

You do have a lot going on, your husband has no right to be telling you what you should and shouldn't do and if you want a FB account you should have one. Just block unpleasant people.

But I do think you would benefit from talking to someone.

[yellowfrog]

sohard - you DO deserve better, and he has no excuse to be angry at you even if it was all over when he said it was. To be honest, you also sound like you know you want to leave him eventually but are daunted by how hard it will be. You don't have to do it all at once you know. Look at your finances and work out what you could do now to set yourself up to be in a position to leave in the future. get some counselling just for you, and start thinking about what you want your life to be in (eg) 5 years time, then take little steps to get there.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Thank you everyone. It's the first time I have told anyone about all of this.

I am back in my hometown and I will make better use of my support network. It was awful last year because I was so far away from home.

[TitaniasCloset]

You sound like an amazing woman OP. Not surprised you are holding resentment towards him, its not just about the affair. If you do decide on counselling let it be about you and your feelings, unless he actively wants to go to one or two of the sessions. I wish you the best.

[Sohardtochooseausername]

BTW How do you get a thread moved to Relationships? I am quite new to MN.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

People repeat what they have learnt, OP. Your DD cheated on your DM when you were a kid, and now your OH is cheating on you. It fascinates me how adults who grew up in dysfunctional homes almost instinctively choose partners who ring no alarm bells at first but who later turn out to be a cheat/drunk/violent just like their parent who damaged them.

So I guess the question in your mind, OP, is if you learn to live with an unfaithful husband what are you teaching DC? Do you want to repeat the pattern or do you want to break it?

[YoHoHoandabottleofTequila]

Report your thread and ask for it to be moved.

Does no one know?

[adora1]

Never mind his disrespect for you and the family, he's now dragged you into some sordid tit for tat game with god knows who and yes I'd imagine the affair has been going on for years.

What I can't get my head around is this:

HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR THIS VILE, VILE EXCUSE FOR A MAN, NOBODY CAN BE THAT DESPERATE.

You say you hope he's not a cheat, he already is OP, for a long, long time, lying sneaking about, now you are being harassed and he gets angry at you!

Just completely gobsmacked that you can even spend a minute in the same room as him, you are one forgiving person, please don't transfer that into being a mug for him, you and your children can be perfectly happy away from this Jeremy Kyle style lifestyle.

[Starlight2345]

You can report it to MN and ask them to move it.